You're right it is scary, but why with H? I can stand up for myself with pretty much everyone else in my life? Maybe because my friends/family will still like me, they might not talk to me for awhile, but they still like me. Most be my fear of rejection.
Right after my H left Saturday night, I desparately wanted to call him right away and say I was sorry, to see if he was made because I said what I said to him? But for what? for letting him call me names?
I just berate myself and feel awful for standing up for myself. I'd rather the other person feel good about themselves than myself? I cannot believe how hard I am on myself.
And now he hasn't called or made contact since. He's mad, he's blaming it on me, I'm the bad guy. How do I know this? Because this is what he does to S19. S19 is learning to stand up to his dad, he did tell him one time that he ever called him stupid or names again he wouldn't talk to him and then H turns it around and will say "I don't care if I ever talk to Son again as far as I'm concerned I disown him. H will not call S, but if S calls him to talk, then all is well with H again and Son is back in his dad's good graces....
I pick son up from daycare, come home and am cleaning windows, which need it very badly. The bugs are terrible! So about half hour after I get home, H shows up and I see he has a cooler in the back of his truck. Well it's the processed bear meat from his hunting trip in September to put in the freezer in the garage. He also brought me my extra arrows that he had taken with him and his old bow for Ss19…not too long ago H told me Ss19 was going to have to buy his own bow and that he wasn't going to give him his old one.
He really doesn't say to much to me. He won't say hi, but that isn't unusual. He unloads the cooler, I try to help he doesn't let me. We goof around outside of awhile with son. He does joke around with me, like old times.
It get dark we come in the house, I made us both salads, which he did eat. S3 then leaves the room. H then says, how come you were so ornery or something to that affect Saturday night? I said why because I told you not to call me names? H then said I was all set to come here on Sunday and pack the rest of my s*** BUT I talked myself out of it. And then I was going to do it tonight, but you were here. Now I didn't believe this because why would he have brought the bear meat here, I didn't say anything either. He then says I can see nothings changed, which he hasn't said in a long time and which he knows isn't true, and I said "how so" and he said your attitude or something like that. My attitude? Because I stood up to him and told him not to come back? Isn't that a poor excuse on his part? He then says you didn't even say thank you for all the stuff I've been doing around the house the last couple of weeks. What, don't you think I don't help out. I DID say thank you, I remember saying it, but he claims I didn't. Is this normal? To forget? I then said I think I'm sure I said thank you and he then says oh you THINK you're sure, I said I know I'm sure.
I have plans to go the football game Saturday night with some friends. He then wants to know when I ordered extra tickets, I said in April and he said before April 9 or after April 9. I said I don't remember and I didn't. I was planning on going with gfs then because for the two months before the bomb he didn't want to do anything with me anyway. He then says he can't watch son because HE'S GOING TO BE GONE. I said okay, I can get a babysitter. I think he just does this because he knows I have plans so he wants to make sure I know he has plans. He wants to know who's going I tell him. You mean PW is going to drive down here and then tell him KV is coming. Oh she won't come. These are wives of friends of both of ours, too.
Son is taking a shower and H comes into the room where I'm laying on the bed? He wants to know if I'm seeing wacko counselor? I said no. Then he said something about her telling me stuff like "am I coming back" "am I not coming back" does she say "don't worry about what he's doing", etc. It don't really know what his point was either.
So as he's leaving I say thank you for all the help around the house I really appreciate it...OH YEAH RIGHT and he makes a face. I said I do appreciate it why wouldn't I? Becuase that's the way you are he says. So tomorrow I'm hiring a skywriter to write it across the sky.
Since we were doing so well, I mean he was starting to come out of his tunnel, has Saturday night set him back to the beginning, meaning six months ago? I mean he hasn't said "nothings changed" in a long, long time. Some say the do come out and go back in and that this process could take awhile.
I'm holding tight, he was very okay by the time he left and talkative. Didn't say bye though.
He's so rude and why the heck is telling me I have an attitude. I just wanted to let it all out on H tonight! He's the one living somewhere else, not me. He's got the attitude, he hasn't changed very much either, but would I dare say that to him. Oh no it would crush his little ego, but does he care what he says to me, oh no. That's okay, he's got it soo backward.
Okay I think I'm done venting, I really feel bad for him, I want to help him feel better, but he can only do this when he's ready. I just felt such compassion for him towards the end of the evening and I just wanted to hug him and say I'd always be his friend. But, of course, he wouldn't have let me do that either.
I think I may have an explanation for his comment about "your attitude"
I think he did NOT like you standing up for yourself the other night. It shook him up. It made him LOOK at himself and how he treats you and that's not something he's real comfortable with, is he.
I think (JMO of course) that he lashed out about you not thanking him, and "nothing's changed" as a way of regaining control, redirecting the issue.
I'm NOT saying (if any of this is on the ball) that he did this consciously, but it would help explain things.
Maybe you're right, he's a controller and I read that they like to make you feel like you don't know what you're talking about, meaning if you say something, they'll say you didn't say it to try to make you feel like you didn't say it...does that make sense, but he used to do that, made me doubt myself even though I knew what I had said or told him.
Well the bear meat is on our freezer...so why did he say he was coming to pack up the rest of his s*** as he likes to refer to the stuff he hasn't moved out yet, but I was there.
Even though he was trying to push my buttons with his words later in the evening, actions leading up to that were saying something different.
The swing broke, we looked around for a bolt and couldn't find it. I sat with S as he was playing in sandbox, H got up and went into the house, a few minutes later came out and went into back garage and came back out with a bolt to fix the swing.
He seemed really down last night, also. Not many smiles unless he was playing with son...I just love that kid and so does H.
H seems soo sad, even when he left after putting son down to sleep he seemed sad. I said is S asleep already, H just said yeah, no emotion. H said I'll probably be over Thursday night. I said can you pick son up, he said he didn't know he's had to work late the last couple of nights. So I said are you still coming over and he said yes, I just don't know if I can pick up son. I said okay and then goodbye and H left.
H also mentioned the fact that I don't ask him what he's doing? I told him I didn't want to know what he's doing, meaning anything with OW, I don't want to know. Besides if I really wanted to know what he was doing, etc. I could find out..his local hangout and guys that he works with like to gossip. I then said I don't need to know or something like that and H says sarcastically "that's right!"
I can't put my finger on it, but somethings shifting in H.
Quote: I can't put my finger on it, but somethings shifting in H.
My words exactly:with my H too. But I feel like my H is shifting to wanting to have a R with me in some way. I can't put my finger on it, but i feel like I'm on the edge of something and don't know what!
Sounds like your H ran back into the tunnel. He seems very confused; saying he wanted to pack his $hit up, but then brough over the meat! He is very confused right now. You will have to watch what you say and do. I'm not saying that you have to be a doormat, either. You really sent his head spinning, by setting him straight Sat. . He wants to pick a fight with you, so don't let him. Compliment him when he comes over. Tell him how much you appreciate what he does. Honey must drip from your tongue. It totally confusses them. Makes them wonder what's up! He is feeling guilty; big time! Doesn't want you to do things for him; that is what my H does, it's GUILT! He is still seeing OW? Are you sure? My H is still seeing his OW. But I noticed something last night. 1) H hasn't shaved for a while 2) H has put on weight; in the stomach; it was a big difference since 10 days ago!!?? 3) When his cell phone rang, he seemed VERY nervous, scared $h^tless, acxtually. But, then he relaxed when he saw who it was. 4) When he got done with the call; now this is REALLY strange! He said it was his nephew;Brett. I said I know. He looked up in shock and said how did you know? I said "I could tell by your side of the conversation! I asked how his nephew was and he told me that they were expecting again. 5) H wanted a hug before he left, usually I have to iniatate the hug. So you see I'm confused, also! When he came he drove in like he was coming home from work; that was strange. He went and parked where he used to... He seemed very relaxed, except when his cell rang. Even our D told me later; that dad looked scared that it might be the OW. And I told him about the thing with our Middle D. Wow, he actually seemed interested He said I was lucky that I wasn't naked. I said I don't sleep in the nude anymore, do you? He said once in a while. I think he was fishing; wondering if I was having sex with someone, what a bozo, he is the one breaking vows, not me! The whole thing left me wondering what the hay! Take Care Deb
He is still LIVING with OW. Which is the strange part also, the way he acts around me and son, is like he doesn't still have her in his life. I have no idea what's happening with that either.
Quote: The whole thing left me wondering what the hay!
My thoughts exactly.
Quote: He is very confused right now.
I'm confused! I'm still replaying last night in my head over and over and getting different feelings each time.
I'll keep processing.
It does sound like our H's are at the same point in our travels doesn't it?
Quote: I'm confused! I'm still replaying last night in my head over and over and getting different feelings each time.
I'll keep processing.
try not to spend too much energy trying to "process" h's behaviour...it will drive you mad.
I watched my h fluctuate (during sep) from being chatty and hanging around the house after putting son to bed to putting his boots on as fast as he could to leave, calling to not calling being grumpy, to looking sad, to getting some greys...he ran the whole gamet it all made no sense...just when he'd start being friendly he'd take a few more things from the house...but then he'd move stuff in the house to it's new place (finished the basement while he was out and he moved his stuff from the attic to it's place in "his" sports pub)
plus think of it this way..if you keep the focus on "his" actions and "his" reactions to things then when he does come home to you may find yourself on overload "processing".
try to just relax...keep the focus on you and let things flow.
. He wants to pick a fight with you, so don't let him. Compliment him when he comes over. Tell him how much you appreciate what he does. Honey must drip from your tongue. It totally confusses them. Makes them wonder what's up! He is feeling guilty; big time! Doesn't want you to do things for him; that is what my H does, it's GUILT!
He said I was lucky that I wasn't naked. I said I don't sleep in the nude anymore, do you? He said once in a while. I think he was fishing; wondering if I was having sex with someone, what a bozo, he is the one breaking vows, not me!