As to the whole staying out until 3am with small kids comment that some of the men agreed with - you guys don't get it! If a woman has a man who treats her right at home and makes her feel special, those very rare nights that she stays out late with her partying girlfriends are just a huge reminder to her in how awful the men are out there in the bars and what a great guy she has right at home! All her friends will be amazed that her husband trusts her enough to go out and offers to watch the kids once in awhile because he knows she deserves a break and he wants her to have fun. (My husband always scored major "points" in my book for when he did this.) If you make your wife feel sexy and appreciated then you should be pushing her out the door once in awhile to ensure she keeps realizing the grass is not greener on the other side!
Buttercup, I agree with all of this when the marriage is healthy, or during recovery, or even when a wife is a walkaway but there is no infidelity involved. But once she brings someone else into the marriage, the above would not only be unproductive, but COUNTER-productive.
And even when there is NO waywardness, it's completely inappropriate for a mother (or a father) to be staying out THAT late, that often, and to show such a casual disregard for her children's well-being (his wife's comment when he asked her what would happen if one of the kid's woke up and needed their mother at 2am). A regular weekly or twice-monthly "night out with the girls?" Sure -- good, healthy stuff. Regularly going out 'til 3 a.m. and running away from her marriage and children? BIG DIFFERENCE, and she's at such a progressed stage right now that he can't win her back by "making her feel special." In her current state, that's only going to feed into her sense of entitlement, in my opinion.
As to the whole staying out until 3am with small kids comment that some of the men agreed with - you guys don't get it! If a woman has a man who treats her right at home and makes her feel special, those very rare nights that she stays out late with her partying girlfriends are just a huge reminder to her in how awful the men are out there in the bars and what a great guy she has right at home! All her friends will be amazed that her husband trusts her enough to go out and offers to watch the kids once in awhile because he knows she deserves a break and he wants her to have fun. (My husband always scored major "points" in my book for when he did this.) If you make your wife feel sexy and appreciated then you should be pushing her out the door once in awhile to ensure she keeps realizing the grass is not greener on the other side!
Maybe in Boston where the bars close early. But here last call is 4am, and the smiles I see with them wandering eyes after midnight arent implying your awful and my husbands is great. And their conversations arent leading up to green grass but rather leather seats.
Just an observation.
Originally Posted By: Eric Clapton
After midnight, were gonna let it all hang down. After midnight, were gonna chug-a-lug and shout. Were gonna stimulate some action; Were gonna get some satisfaction.
Thanks for the reply's. I need to let her be responsible for her. I just was always a jerk in the past and didn't want to come off as being neglectful.
I was in a catch22 when booking the trip a couple of months ago we didn't have alot of money for her to go. if I didn't use points and she would have went ahead and booked the trip anyway. We wouldn't had the money to pay certain bills. So i booked the trip since I had to use points and miles that were under my name. Remeber she is home alone with the kids 10-12 nights a month because of my travel schedule. Those points belong to her just as much as me.
But, because she is wayward I think you are all trying to tell me to stop and let her take care of her. If she needs space, give her space, all of it. I'm struggling with that. Jerkish behaviors versus being the caretaker.
I need to refocus on me and start saving up for an attorney. I don't want to divorce. But if thats what she wants should I give it to her.
JJ
WOW! Did you read that part, she would have went anyways even if you guys didn't have the money and you wouldn't be able to pay the bills - so you think enabling that behavior is scoring you any points with her? She is pretty much admitting, "I'm a spoiled brat, I'm going to do what I want, you figure out how to make it work and pay for it".
I don't care if she's home with the kids 10-12 days a month or 20-30 days a month - she wasn't forced to have kids, they didn't choose to be born, once you're a parent, you're a parent for life and I'm not going to feel bad for any mother or father out there, I feel bad for the kids that there are parents out there that view them as a burden instead of a gift.
Your w is cheating on you and taunting you too while she is getting even with you.
I don't know what to say except that I will never, ever understand why couples have children when they really don't want the responsibility. It is heartbreaking to me.
These are little kids and your w thinks that "now that they're grown...."
Wife has expressed her frustration with going out of town and really not having that great of a time wither her friends. " I should have just stayed home and and went to the kids sporting events."
Yesterday I noticed she posted on the pantries white board that she planned on going to a football game for her Gf's Bday. I called her art work and stated that I was planning on going to that game and if she wanted to go she needed to set up baby sitting. I admitted to her later that maybe I should have said I was planning on going to that game. What can we do to make that happen?
It initially went down the road of W: "why are you throwing in my face that I was gone all weekend. When did you know that you were going? Who Are you going with? Do you have tickets?
Me: Because you were gone all week end and I need to get out. W: you can go out any time you want.
Me: I was thinking about going for a couple of weeks and was trying to get someone to go. But as for now no such luck.
Me: So I will probably go by my self. W: thats really weird. I can't believe you are going by yourself. M: thats not your problem. I just really want to go to the game.
Me: I don't have a ticket but i should be able to find one at the game. Do you have tickets.
W: GF and I know plenty of people with season tickets.
Me: I will see if i can get a sitter. But would like you to also try.
Nothing else really came of it I plan on heading to the game on Sunday.
I also told her I planned on being out of town the weekend of her friends wedding. Since she hasn't mentioned us going together. W: Well my GF isn't taking her husband because he won't know anyone and I thought you wouldn't know anyone until I found out some people from the small town we grew up in were going to be there.
I can't prove she is in another relationship with someone but I can't disprove it either.
Last night she went to the GYM at 9:15 and sent me a text at 11:55 ststing that she was sorry and on her way home she met up with GF that couldn't go on trip on show her pictures from facebook. The GF in question is not on FB so this is plausible.
Limbo land stinks. I really appreciate both the detachment thread and especially the Boundries thread. Thanks Coach.
One last thought as I walked past her this morning I grabbed her hand she took hold of mine. I leaned in a little and so did she. She asked if I needed something and I said nope and went upstairs to my office. She did offer to take son to Cub scounts after i told her that I was to busy tonight with work and house stuff.
I wanted to give her a kiss today. She knew I wanted to. DETACH!! I'm already Dead! i'm already dead! I'm already dead!
JJ
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
Me: So I will probably go by my self. W: thats really weird. I can't believe you are going by yourself. M: thats not your problem. I just really want to go to the game.
Me: I don't have a ticket but i should be able to find one at the game. Do you have tickets.
yeah that is weird. we need to come up with a better story line for you.
Yesterday I noticed she posted on the pantries white board that she planned on going to a football game for her Gf's Bday. I called her art work and stated that I was planning on going to that game and if she wanted to go she needed to set up baby sitting. I admitted to her later that maybe I should have said I was planning on going to that game. What can we do to make that happen?
It initially went down the road of W: "why are you throwing in my face that I was gone all weekend. When did you know that you were going? Who Are you going with? Do you have tickets?
Me: Because you were gone all week end and I need to get out. W: you can go out any time you want.
Me: I was thinking about going for a couple of weeks and was trying to get someone to go. But as for now no such luck.
Me: So I will probably go by my self. W: thats really weird. I can't believe you are going by yourself. M: thats not your problem. I just really want to go to the game.
Me: I don't have a ticket but i should be able to find one at the game. Do you have tickets.
W: GF and I know plenty of people with season tickets.
Me: I will see if i can get a sitter. But would like you to also try.
Nothing else really came of it I plan on heading to the game on Sunday.
I also told her I planned on being out of town the weekend of her friends wedding. Since she hasn't mentioned us going together. W: Well my GF isn't taking her husband because he won't know anyone and I thought you wouldn't know anyone until I found out some people from the small town we grew up in were going to be there.
I can't prove she is in another relationship with someone but I can't disprove it either.
Last night she went to the GYM at 9:15 and sent me a text at 11:55 ststing that she was sorry and on her way home she met up with GF that couldn't go on trip on show her pictures from facebook. The GF in question is not on FB so this is plausible.
Limbo land stinks. I really appreciate both the detachment thread and especially the Boundries thread. Thanks Coach.
One last thought as I walked past her this morning I grabbed her hand she took hold of mine. I leaned in a little and so did she. She asked if I needed something and I said nope and went upstairs to my office. She did offer to take son to Cub scounts after i told her that I was to busy tonight with work and house stuff.
I wanted to give her a kiss today. She knew I wanted to. DETACH!! I'm already Dead! i'm already dead! I'm already dead!
JJ
You stood up, said something, she called your bluff and you folded pretty easily.
I wouldn't have called her at work to let her know about the football game, a simple text would have worked, less contact the better.
- I'm going to the game on sunday and if you are planning on going you need to arrange for a sitter.
And that's it.
If she asked when you knew you were going, it's like telling you that you need to ask her permission - you need to see this, it's a form of testing, most of what she will do is testing your boundaries, seeing how far she can push past them. You need to realize that at this point in your relationship, she will be testing you constantly (it's subconscious action at this point, you've given up so much ground, she'll continue trying to take more from you).
So what she asked when you knew you were going, your answer should have been "It doesn't matter does it? I'm going because I want to go"
- Who are you going with? "I'm not certain that this is any business of yours is it? I'll go with who I want to go with."
- Do you have ticket? "Why are you asking so many questions? Why do you need to concern yourself with any of these details?? Stop being so nosey!"
When you told her that you need to get out because she was gone all weekend and she told you that you can go out anytime, your response should be: " I know I can go out anytime, I'm an adult, I decide when I go out and who I go out with, stop trying to control what I do and trying to tell me when I can go out - that's my decision."
Why tell her you're going by yourself? That's lame, keep that info to yourself. Hello? Mystery? Stop giving her details of your every move, it's not required, you're an adult, you don't answer to her anymore, she certainly doesn't answer to you, she seems to do alot of dictating though, you need to put your foot down and put a stop to that crap behavior.
Telling her you don't have tickets... why? Again, too much info. Your response should have been "Yes I have tickets, why are you asking? Why does it matter to you?"
Do you see how all of these responses turn it around on her, making it look likes she's controlling & insecure and that you are in control of yourself, you don't care what she does and you are telling her not to concern herself with what you do & how you do it.
When she told you "GF and I know plenty of people with season tickets", the response would have been "Why are you telling me this? I didn't ask"
You grabbed her hand? Why? Are you a glutton for punishment? You keep telegraphing your moves a mile a way, she can tell you still want her, you have to appear to be moving on, you have to detach, let go, stop pursuing, stop communicating as much.
