Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Feel like giving up

Wife has stated she will stay and work on M for 6 months. She has stated that she does not love me, she never will, she does not like who she is with me, we are not right for each other, etc., but she is also afraid that D would be a mistake and wants to try MC (again, tried about 1 year ago, but changes did not stick). I have been trying hard for past 1.5 years to address her grievances (bringing work stress home, criticism, mood swings) after realizing that she was on her way out. I went through a significant emotional transformation and have learned to accept and embrace most of those things that bothered me about my W. Learning to love her unconditionally has made me recommit to her and our marriage and significantly increased my physical attraction for her. She has been consistently cold, distant, and degrading our entire marriage as a total failure for most of the past two years. She has also been contacting all her exes to talk about our problems, and although I suspect an emotional affair, I have no proof. She puts so little effort that sometimes I feel like I am wasting my time and setting myself up for further hurt. Been GALing and trying various 180s and monitoring results. She generally responds positively when I give her space but also seems to appreciate my expressions of love, affection, and attraction, but also says she is worn out by pressure to respond a certain way and to return affection. She is living in a fantasy world in which everything is better if she were with someone more compatible, and sometimes I think I need to let her experience that reality before she will appreciate what we have. I really want to save my marriage but feel like I am the only one working at it and wonder if it can work if she continues to focus her energy on her relationships with her exes. How do I stay hopeful and help her gain a more realistic long-term perspective?

Hi Stardust

Sorry you find yourself here but you will get a lot of good advice from people who have a lot of experience with this. I am a newbie but I have read a lot of advice from other sitches that apply to your quote below:



This appears to be WAW script and a lot of folks here say believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.




Remember that with most WAS sitches, the LBS is the only one who is working on the M, the WAS already believe that they are done with M. The bulk of the work will be on you but you have already shown that you are strong by wanting to work on M and by seeking advice on this forum. I am still new and making lots of mistakes but one thing I do know is this will be a long haul process and that it is going to be challenging. Your hope will ebb and flow, sometimes hour by hour, but just try to stay strong and know that there are a lot of others going through this with you.

-HBH

Your situation is eerily similar to mine. The timelines are different, but I heard all of the same things. I ended up moving out at her request on Mother's Day and am rebuilding my life while trying to remain an every day presence in the lives of my daughters.

I know the DB principals but haven't followed them very well. I've asked on four occasions in the first five months to go to counseling. She turned me down every time, each time more emphatically than the one before.

So now I'm treating the M as dead and gone and doing my best to move on without her. Everything else hasn't helped.

Just follow the rules -- don't pursue. I haven't done it and am trying it now. And be ready for a long haul. Dia, a contributor on this site, is a former WAW who was separated for two years before deciding to recommit to her marriage. It takes a long time. I haven't had the patience necessary.

Have you read "His needs, her needs"? Maybe it could help some. It took me about 14 months to get the marriage back on track. Was told many times that I was "hated".
If an EA is suspected than a keylogger and a little snooping may help. Certainly seems like she wants to justify her unhappiness with her marriage. Far more easier than realizing that unhappiness may come from within.
Finally, a little c'est la vie may help. I finally decided that I would live and be fine with or without my hubby. The choice is his, I'll let him know that I would like to remain married and in love, continued to DB to the best of my ability (with setbacks of course) and just rode the wave. He knew my thoughts on the issue, my action was inaction in a way. I waited it out and DBed. I was not going to let what-if's stress me out.
I also tried to be really perky and happy. I was not going to let the events bring me down. (or try to ).


Of course, no relationship talk. Never ever goes over well. Not in this period of the marraige.

Outside activities also help you focus on your own happiness.
I am in love with meetup.com (not a dating site but a social site for local groups), it was really helpful.

Did you ever separate or was this accomplished while you stayed together?

Stardust,

For me it took a divorce. Read DR, and started doing everything it said to the best of my ability. It was tough giving her space and not pushing; I let her know I wanted R and she was not really interested. I started to do some serious self-assessment and work on ME and not worry about what I thought were her issues. Because of the kids and grandson (its a complicated situation) we had contact 3 or 4 times a week, which made it really hard to stay detached and not push her.

It didn't take long at all for her to notice the changes in me. I'm still not pushing her on anything; when the time is right she'll deal with her issues. And, although we still have a long way to go and both of us want to take it slow to avoid past mistakes, we are now working towards reconciliation.

My advice would be to concentrate on YOU and try to see yourself as she has seen you over the past 2 years. Start making the appropriate changes for YOU, not her. Don't worry about her issues. Clean up your side of the street. If she still has any love for you she'll notice, and react accordingly.

I just decided that, although we both need to make changes in ourselves, someone had to start. The "I will if you will" deal will just make both spouses want out more. Take care of yourself, remain committed to making it work as long as there is any hope, and be patient.

And good luck!

Thanks everyone for your support and insight. I think my primary challenges are to be patient and stay upbeat. I have a very stressful job and dysfunction in my family of origin so sometimes the stress gets the best of me. I get so angry at how hurtful and insensitive my W has been/ continues to be, while at the same time missing her so much that my heart keeps breaking over and over. Trying to keep my hurt and sadness to myself, but she has come to expect it and looks for it. Regarding the WAS script, hearing those words makes me wonder how it will ever work. I guess that is part of the struggle is not knowing and accepting that I am going to be in limbo for some indefinite period of time. Thanks again!

CTH,
He never left the house. Was very done with me though. We financially could not afford a separation and he wanted to be full time with the kids. He actually was hoping that I would eventually leave. Asked for me to on several occasions. Let me know often how he "hated me" and felt nothing for me.
Being in the same house helped a lot towards reconciliation. He knows my stance though. I will not live with it again. If he decides to "end it" with me again I am going to file. Enough is enough. I put in way too much effort and suffered way too much upset to deal with this again.

It makes me sick every time I read about a WAW who has little kids and is so willing to tear her family apart for the silliest of reasons.

And I believe that most reasons WAS's give for wanting out are ridiculous:

"Needs not being met" Ick! This one always makes me throw up in my mouth a little. It reminds me of the bumper sticker step-talk from any of the 12-step programs. Needs not being met.....hmmmm....and who is ultimately responsible for "meeting our needs?" Oh, that's right.....WE ARE!!! Personal responsibility. What a concept.