Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Problems after the affair...Rebuilding

So you've had these types of talks before, so why not just be totally honest with him and say "this no sex isn't working for me and WE need to figure out what the issues are"?

Seems so easy, doesn't it? Well, I have said things like that and he just never follows through all the way until I'm on him daily. He will do it if I make him and you can imagine how that makes me feel to have to make my h try to find out why he doesn't do anything about having sex with me. I guess the issues are pretty emasculating, and we both just think it is going to get better with time....never does.....we want it to just naturally happen. It's not going to happen quickly, and I have to remember that. He just started reading a book about it about a month ago. That's progress I guess. He also said he'd be open to counseling. It's the follow through and i'm just frustrated and sad...... He did say just recently that at least he likes to give me pleasure orally because from what he read, many men do not like that. I think it is the intercourse thing that freaks him out...performance anxiety he believes...I dont know......sorry, if this is TMI, I wasn't going to go on this topic on here, but I'm just so frustrated. how embarrassing.

Kat,

I understand what you're saying, and it is a possibility of course, but it is entirely two different things for someone, male or female, to be of low-desire versus being homosexual. Moreover, if Didi should start taking that tact in her thinking and she guesses wrong, she can pretty much kiss her M goodbye. That's not a question to take lightly -- especially given how fragile the male ego can be regarding such matters.

For what it's worth, I got wind of my xW talking to her mother and sister about me just prior to our D -- she was insinuating that my inability to jump through her particularly odd set of hoops to gain time for ML was supposedly an indication that I was less of a man ("If he was really interested in having sex with his wife, he would have done everything in his power to accommodate his W. So there was obviously something seriously wrong with him.")

My ego is not really as fragile as it might be for some men about these things, but if nothing else convinced me there was no way in H*ll we would ever get back together, that surely did!

[Edit: this conversation is moving too fast for me -- by the time I manage to key in a response, some other bit of information comes to light that makes part of what I say irrelevant. Like the fact Becca has already broached the gay question with her H.]

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about his sexual orientation, either.

You have made mention of his bad childhood. I don't know what all that entails, but I do know that sexual shame and inhibitions acquired in childhood can last well into middle age and beyond if not dragged out into the light, faced, and dealt with. Good counseling sounds like a good path here.

Thanks, Nocode...sorry about the speed of posting. I'm not usually so available, but today I am.

Kett, yep, and that is what the convo has always turned to when we talk in depth.

I started a thread in ssm. Figure I'll probably be there quite a long time. I'm never going to have another baby. I'm all teared up as I type that. If you are a woman, you can understand the pain I feel with that knowledge.

How do you know you're not going to have another baby? You're still young. There's plenty of time.

Do you think maybe your H might be afraid of another child and that's why he's ok with one type of sex and not the main deed?

I've heard of men that have issues after their wife has a baby. Like they can't think of their wife sexually after a baby. Was your sex life ok prior to your son?

I'm thinking we never will because the trouble we had the first time...the clock is ticking....this info. tonight will not help this....

He wants another child, too. At least that is what he tells me.

My H said he felt like I was the most sexy when I was pregnant. And, boy was I pregnant...gained like 50 pounds...said he was most physically attracted to me then. Right after having baby sex was ok (meaning at least once a month) but then dwindled fast. Sex life before was Ssm all the way....once a month if that.....got really bad when trying to conceive because of the pressure to perform.

I wasn't try to hurt you with the suggestion of his possible orientation. I am terribly sorry if I did. I certainly wasn't saying that he is, just a possiblity.

hugs, kat

I know, Kat.

No, that would be a lie of omission. If he asks what did he say, you should tell him what he said.

Puppy