Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Still in the tunnel with hubby

K
Glad to see your H kept it together and is being supportive during this time'
I have a 14 year old D also
she is a good kid
and the MLC has not affected her for the worse
at least as far as I can see
I have tried very hard to keep a good and respectful R wioth her and after xh left it seemed easier in some ways to develop that
I try to give her mostly positive affirmations and I sent her to a christian school and youth group
I think that has helped her the most to fit in
sometimes she has meltdowns but that is a female/and teeneage issue
I try to listen when I can and set aside talk time for her
peace

Venting.....

D14 got home from their finals marching band competition at 1:15am this morning(they were supposed to get back at 11:45pm-this is unusually late in and of itself)-they had to drive the kids back from Pueblo..a pretty long drive. So I waited up and texted dtr so I knew when she'd get home..I didn't wake H b/c he doesn't sleep well to begin with (and hasn't since the EA last year) and he was sound asleep.

So this morning he goes off about how D14 is too young for this band stuff and its "killing her" and why didn't I wake him up... He doesn't think D14 should do band/drumline..she's doing it because she's miserable at home..he feels guilt for what we're all going through, he feels shame..he doesn't think we can go on like this. I agreed that we couldn't go on like this and something will change.

Then we're driving D12 to school and then to drop off my car at the shop..H didn't know D12 had a yearbook meeting at 8am and says "I can't be a good parent if I don't know what the kids are doing"..after D12 goes to school, H asks me what she had for breakfast and I say a bagel..and he asks "with butter" and I say yes. Then he tells me about her pitiful lunch she packed and all I feel is blame from him for being a bad mother...

So my rant...Since when did I become responsible for feeding everyone? Isn't H capable? He was sitting their on his laptop while D12 was making breaksfast. He could step up and help. He works less than me and brings home much less than me, drives the kids less than me and complains MORE. I've given him the kids schedules and he says he just can't keep it straight.. Well I can't get in his brain and fix that. I've suggested organizing things for the house but he doesn't want that...

If I do give him logistical info then he complains that thats all we talk about! No winning, of course...but sometimes I don't always believe this is the MLC, maybe its just H (and the relationship with me)...It makes me pretty sad and this is the kind of time I feel like just giving up. If he wanted to walk away-I would let him and be done with it.

Is the Drumline interferring with D14's grades? If not and she likes it, regardless of the reason, IMO it's a good thing. How often do they have late night stuff like this during the week?
Again, for me comes down to grades and her commitment to it. I think these are arguable/negotiable points.

At 12 and 14 your D's are perfectly capable of getting their own breakfast and packing a lunch for themselves. Sure, he could have helped, but I think it's a cap off the toothpaste kind of thing. he's frustrated and miserable and needs to complain.

Something I've tried is "Wow, I can see you're really frustrated about this, what do you think the solution is?" Obviously, it can't be that you do everything. It may require brainstorming, where you don't offer a bunch of solutions, let him come up with some. Then try one and if it works, tell him that was a good idea.

I know how this sounds. I also know that even when I do it sometimes, i don't feel great right then, but I let it go. My H feels like he contibuted and that counts for alot.

I have a calendar at home that is always in the same spot with important stuff written on it. My H and I talk once a week re: kids activities etc. And, even though he doesn't live at home he knows where the calendar is and is welcome to check it anytime.

I know how tough this is for you and the truth is, right now you are doing everything. Is it fair? Not hardly. Is it worth it? Only you can answer that.

My only caution is not to be reactive. I can't tell you the times I've thought I couldn't do it anymore. Then when I calm down and think (and in my case meditate) about it, I know I can and more importantly I want to.

You have your own answers.

HUGS

I am starting to perfect the art of not reacting.. Unfortunately this seems due to lots of recent practice!

H has these moments of just getting so frustrated beyond what seems reasonable..and I am walking away more often and not getting entangled.

I am still defensive over some things and need to work on that...

H woke up on the "normal" side today...Just weird how it flips from day-to day and sometimes moment to moment. Last night he was kind of pissy and easily angered, bored at D12's choir concert...today he seems normal..at least for now.

K,

So how did yesterday play out for you? OK, I hope.

Well Grace its one good day then one not-so-good...My patience is wearing thin at times and although I thought I was doing pretty well not reacting -I sure reacted last night.

The weather here is pretty snowy-kids have had two snow days in a row(which is a rarity!) and H doesn't do well in the wintertime anyway(SADD). H is self-employed but works at an office nearby in a professional building. He can stay home and work if he wants. H is very touchy about anyone thinking he doesn't have a legitimate job(He does, he's a financial planner/investment manager)-he says this has always been an issue between us since he became self-employed. H feels that when I ask him to help shuttle the kids or take them to appointments that I am not respecting him or his job.

My take is that I do pretty much everything at home(cooking/cleaning/laundry) and hold down a 40+ hour/week job. I don't ask him for much help and when I do I try to make it easy on his schedule and certainly can do it myself if he is busy with clients.

Before the MLC H seemed to pitch in much more and even has said for awhile he tried cooking meals and cleaning more so I would have more time to spend with him on the weekends...this went over my head b/c he'd spend the weekend in his home office at our old house and I would think he was busy with work...

In any case...I'd told H I needed to schedule the girls a doctor appointment and checked if the time worked with his schedule. last night I reminded him the appointment was today and he went off about the respect thing. I said I'd be Ok taking off work and shuttling the kids to and from for their appointment. H said I was being passive aggressive and he thought that was just 'snotty"! I'm sorry but I wanted to laugh-
I was being flexible! I was being the adult! I was being the parent! I just stopped myself and walked out of the room.

So to sum up my long vent. Things are still very much up and down. I'm getting worn out.

I think this part of MLC would be easier if H wasn't living at home, in fact I wish he wasn't. I think he'd re-appreciate that he hates living alone. He'd re-appreciate all that I do for him and our family.

Would it be easier? In some ways, yes.

As far as his appreciating all you do? It wouldn't necessarily happen with him gone.

Just be careful what you wish for.

I get that you work 40+ hrs a week and it sux that you do all the shuttling etc. The fact that he sees it as passive/aggressive would make me step back and re-evaluate what I was asking and how.

I get the "real job" thing. I was self-employed for several years. It doesn't matter how you see it, the fact that he's telling you how he sees it gives you the chance to approach it differently.

Perhaps you could approach him with differnt options for ways to be helpful.

Since he offered with cooking etc before, perhaps he would be more willing to go that route.

I know it's tough and stressful and while they are at home you never get a break. My H isn't at home and you know what? I still never get a break (my kids live with me). The difference is the stress level in the house. You have more power than you realize though.

HUGS

Hi Grace,
I realize I have it pretty good overall. I realize I may seem like a whiner right now. In general-I'm not. I only vent here b/c I really don't have any other place to.

Behind all of this is the concern(not so much worry anymore) that at some point H will get fed up with how he's feeling and blame me/our relationship and leave..or ask me to leave(which I won't). The cycling up and down seems faster.

There are definite positive steps(H is going to an all day communication refresher course on 11/4) and little steps back (H being more solitary-saying he always seems to be alone, despite the fact that I encourage and ask him to join me on various errands/walks)..more anger.

I know its hard doing the single mom thing. I agree, I think the stress at home is the difference and that is what I think is wearing on me and the girls a bit.

You call this whinning???

Palease.

This is the place to vent. Just know that I'm one of those that will poke you and say "is that really what you want?"

Personally, I like cheese with my whine (Cheeeze, Grommit). We all do it and if I came off as being critical, that was not my intent.

I do get it. In some ways it is really so much harder (or was for me) with them home. Here you are doing it all and ther he is, like a bump on a log (hopefully, not literally). The stress and if you're not careful, walking on eggshells or the opposite I don't give a fu*k.

I am not minimizing this at all. Give yourself credit for having the guts to step up here.

Just putting a different spin on things.

Thanks Grace! Its nice to know other people "get it"!