Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Question

Thank you, but every time I try to set boundaries he gets mad. Says I am controlling him. He said yesterday before he left that he needs help. He needs to find a counselor and said wanted to read DR. He said that he noticed that I am happier after reading it, and I am, but him leaving again after being gone for 5.5 months then home for two weeks and me doing everything in my power to show him I was all in, I am weak and did not make the best decisions. Now he is emotional and I just don't know. I am just going to leave him alone. Go to the viewing and funeral of his grandma and be there for support, but no calling, texting, e-mailing, etc. Just leave him alone and see what happens.

I can't help you much here. My W is so set on divorcing and making it on her own, I don't know how I'd handle it if all of a sudden she wanted me to come back -- but only on her terms.

I love the idea of being a family soooo much it would be really tempting.

But then what would I be going home to? More tension and unhappiness with a person who doesn't want to work at making the M better.

This is going to be tough no matter which way it turns out. The others are right, this guy has no right to make demands of you. You have every right to make demands of him. He needs to grow up and I agree with the others that you need to make him grow up.

So what if he gets mad. Is that what you want in life, someone who gets mad at you and makes you walk on eggshells when they are wrong?

I pray for you today.

Still not doing well. Work is keeping my mind off of everything. H text me and said do not take off of work because I am no longer his problem. I don't know what that means. Is he done? Is he talking out of anger or tiredness or sadness? I will just have to be patient again, but I am tired of being the one who is hurting and being hurt. I want to be the princess. I am tired of trying. I am looking forward to next week because I have 2 days off, but because of H coming home I can't go to TN like I was planning before he came home. He has ruined everything. I am just hurting so bad! I told H it is like my heart has been ripped open and I am slowly dying.

Back to work, at least it keeps my mind off of everything.

forgot to put above, but I also don't want to let go and lose him. It is so scary.

Absolutely it's scary, but what is worse is remaining with someone who does not actually want to be there. At first you might be elated just to have him there with you, but it won't be long before you'll feel cheated that he is not meeting your needs. You'll get tired of constantly being on guard not to irritate him because he might leave you again. He needs to want to be in the marriage with you for the right reasons, anything else will just cause you even more heartache in the future.

S4H

I agree. It is just hard right now becuase I always feel like this is all my fault. If I would not have sent the e-mail this morning when I woke up crying about how hurt I was, he would have never gotten upset or mad and would be just fine. He would get DR read it and possibly be home soon. I know deep down it is not my fault and I know that he is still planning a life with OW (according to him that changed at noon yesterday, but I can't believe that) so why am I punishing myself for him hurting me and me telling him it hurts? I don't know. I have to get prepared now for a viewing and a funeral. I hope he got some sleep and is not going to be mad at me the entire time. I really want us to work, but really I just want to be loved and taken care of, which I don't know if he will ever be able to do, which scares me because I will ahve to start over after 10 years, and have no where to start looking.

This is a good reason to employ the 24 or 48 hour rule (whichever works best for you). Don't immediately respond to things, especially those things that are emotionally charged. Wait, relax, and breathe. You'll find most things get smaller in importance as time goes on and the need to respond to them will disappear. If after 24 - 48 hours it is an issue that still needs your attention then more than likely your response will be more logical and less emotional.

Secondly, stop beating yourself up over all of this. Accept those things that are yours to accept and work on changing them. However do not shoulder the blame for things that are clearly not your fault.

Thirdly, at the viewing employ your best effort at acting "as if". Keep your attitude positive and interactions with him light if possible (I know it's a funeral viewing, but still).

Lastly, yes you have invested 10 years in this relationship, however recognize that if things do not work out the way you want them to you are still ONLY 27 with a lifetime ahead of you. Your H is not the only fish in the pond. There are many fish out there looking for a someone they can love and that will love them equally.

S4H

I second the above post. It sounds like you are a teacher. You should have plenty of friends then who are still single to hang out with. It sucks having to go back out there when you thought those days are over -- try being a 40-year-old guy hanging with his late 20s, early 30s coworkers and their girlfriends.

And that is still down the road a bit. A little bit of tough love may get him back on your terms. That's what you really need here, him back on your terms -- then you can figure out how to meet him in the middle.

It sounds like he has everyone wrapped around his finger from you, to his parents, to the OW. He needs a reality check and that would be you telling him to shape up or stay away and then heading back to see the L.

The viewing went well. H said he was sorry for this morning and said he was just upset about everything and mad at himself for moving again and with the viewing, he was upset and took it out on me. He said he is glad that I am talking to him and wants me to tell how I am feeling. He started all of the R conversation. I just listened. I was supportive and later he text me saying how he appreciated me being there. Things are not perfect, but I feel better. He keeps saying he just wants to read the book without feeling pressure so he can take everything to heart and truly make some changes. I said I am scared he will be gone for another 5 months and he said he does not want to be gone that long, just a few weeks to start going to a counselor and get some real change. Not really getting excited, but at least feel better enough to sleep.

So what's going on with OW. He said something on that changed on Sunday. If she's out of the picture, you are moving in the right direction.