I continue to feel like your husband is RIPE for a pure DB approach, and you going darker and more mysterious, as I still don't think you've ever fully implemented it. And he's shown that he's still HIGHLY connected to you, and -- for lack of a better term -- responds to good ol' JEALOUSY, very predictably.
Quote:
Friday - Got a phone call from H around lunchtime asking if I wanted him to get the 4-wheeler all ready to go for my weekend plans. At this point, things had been cancelled for that part of my weekend and I didn't need the 4-wheeler, so I just explained that no, plans had changed and wouldn't need it.
MISSED OPPORTUNITY!
Better:
"No, but thank you. I'm fine."
Quote:
When I pulled up at home about an hour and half later, H was in driveway about to pull out. Backs up and rolls down window inquiring about the cancellation of my weekend plans. Just gave vague and brief explanation to which he got irritated and said "what's so secretive, why can't you just tell me what happened?" I said with friendly, nonchalant face "not secretive, I'm kinda bummed about it and just don't feel like explaining is all."
Closer. You created mystique (good), but you conveyed you were "bummed" (bad). Remember, you want to convey "Life is great! Never would've voluntarily chosen this path, but beginning to grow, and to like the view!"
Better: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be. Look, I really gotta go, cuz I'm already late for something. We'll catch up at some point later!" (and then BE GONE, looking good and smelling good and SMILING).
Read puppy's reply again. He is dead nuts on. Project to him that you have moved on and have found happiness. At this point, he does not need to know anything about your life.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Puppy - I was hoping to get your response and input. Thank you! I went into the weekend with your last post on my mind about going darker and being more mysterious and was ready to do just that. I need to see exactly where I am falling short and what to do/what not to do and how to handle things better and you are great at pinpointing and S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G it out, which is what I need and want!
Today at lunch: H came home while I was still in bedroom with door closed getting ready. H knocks on my door and asks if he can borrow my car keys. I just said sure and handed them to him and closed my door. I didn't ask why, what for, nothing and he never said either.
Little later I went to kitchen to get water and start some soup but had cute outfit on, smelling good and was almost done getting ready. H was in office and asked from other room while I was in kitchen "How was your weekend?" AFG - "It was great, I had a lot of fun." H - "Did you go to food and wine fest?" AFG - "Yep." Then I went back to my room. H came and got me a few mins later. I had forgotten about soup and it was done. Went to kitchen to stir and turn off. H was leaving out garage door and as the door was open I saw in the garage not his truck but a car. I am assuming this is OW's car as per the conversation I overhead and wrote about last week about him making arrangments to take OW's car to get it fixed/serviced. I didn't say a word and he quickly closed the door behind him. I had to take a few breaths after that to regain my composure. One part of me feels like I am being taunted and my personal space is being encroached upon. Another part of me is just like Oh well, it doesn't matter anymore anyways and I will be out of here soon enough and not have to think/see/worry about any of it anymore. I still have no idea why he needed my car keys earlier as well.
Another thing weighing heavy on my heart and mind right now is that this coming Sunday is Oct. 25th - which would be our 12th wedding aniversary. How does one prep themselves for this occasion? Just let the day pass with no acknowledgement? I'm sure he will be gone for the weekend anyways so it probably doesn't even matter. Or why would I even care to acknowledge it when there is OW in picture...ugh. ???
Another quick funny thing I thought of - in my car, I put some silver beads and a pin from a friend as a joke that says "Single" on it hanging from my rearview mirror, which there was no way H could have not seen, it's right in your face when you get in my car...lol.
Last edited by aflowergurlie; 10/19/0907:55 PM.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
Thanks R2C! - Read it, read it again, reading it again now, will read it again later...lol! At some point it's bound to stick!
Everything is counter intuitive.
This works: Push someone away and they will chase. Tell them to go away and they move closer. Chase someone and they run away.
Test it out on kids. Works with adults too. It is human nature to want what you can't have. Become something mysterious that H can not have, and he will start to desire it....
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Puppy - I was hoping to get your response and input. Thank you! I went into the weekend with your last post on my mind about going darker and being more mysterious and was ready to do just that. I need to see exactly where I am falling short and what to do/what not to do and how to handle things better
Do you think that between you and me, we could safely predict what your H is going to say and do most of the time?
I bet we could. And IF we could, wouldn't that then mean that we could plan -- AHEAD OF TIME -- how best for you to respond, hmmmm???
I posted this to another poster, a week or so ago. Maybe it will help you more than it seemed to help her:
Quote:
This stuff IS difficult -- probably the most difficult (and also counter-intuitive) -- thing you will have ever had to do.
But it should NOT be "perplexing."
In fact, this "script" that we often talk about, can be used to your advantage. In fact, I can help you predict just about everything he's going to do, before he does it. Between me (who knows affairs, and their "scripts") and you (who knows your husband better than anyone on the planet besides himself), don't you think it's very reasonable for us to think we can predict NOW what he will try to do, or what he'll try to NOT to?
I was told this by a parenting seminar guy once, but it applies to wayward marriages, too: the mistakes we make (as parents/LBSs) is that we don't anticipate what our (child/cheating spouse) is likely to do or say, and to PLAN AHEAD OF TIME how we are going to handle it. Instead, we get caught up in the anger of the moment, and we REACT -- usually, poorly, and unproductively.
In fact, not to swing a 2x4 at you, but you've been very reactionary, haven't you?
Well, resolve that that's going to start changing, RIGHT NOW. If you have to, write it out, and rehearse it out loud when you're alone. Write out the script as if it were a play, and you are the playwrite, and write down what your husband is going to say and do, and then practice what YOU are going to say or do to respond to him.
Calmly. Forcefully. With conviction, and great eye contact.
I'm a salesman by trade, and I'm pretty damned good at it, and I'm also very social and not at ALL shy. But when it comes to confrontations, I SUCK AT IT, and this really helped me when I had to do my initial confrontation -- and then my RE-confrontation -- of my wife.
And, if I may be so bold . . . I NAILED THAT SUCKA!!! grin grin
Make TODAY the day you STOP REACTING to him, and HIS agenda. Cuz guess what? HE (and his girlfriend) do NOT have your marriage's -- or your family's -- best interests at heart right now. So why would you let someone who doesn't have its best interests at heart, dictate the rules and timeline?
YOU need to do that. You won't be able to control ALL of it, but you CAN begin to exert some influence, using your husband's own predictability to your advantage.
SOrry for the hijack, but Puppy, I have a friend fairly new on the boards (shellshockedga) who could really use your help. Earlier today, he found hard evidence to confirm his W is in an A with OM. He has his head on straight, but could use your advice on how to bust up his W's A.
Yes, I definitely think that H's predictability is high. And I am very much looking forward to you continuing to work on this with me! I'm ready to plan ahead, script it out, and be prepared for what is still to come my way so I will be able to respond in the best possible way, and not REACT with knee-jerk like reflexes based on emotion showing my anger, hurt, or frustration.
Thank you for the other post as well. I am taking a lot out of that and going to put it into practice immediately.
I will be your little protege', mold and shape me as you will.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
