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I feel so cranky right now!! Last night I went to dinner w/my friend and we talked about having faith, and I felt refreshed and like renewing my faith. (I've fallen off the wagon big time.) So, I go home in a good mood, H seemed to be in a bad mood (just real quiet, not affectionate, not smiling). I asked him what is wrong, he says nothing. I said, you feel icky? he said kinda. So, i go to read & write and come back out to the living room and watch tv with him. We went to bed and read, and he did initiate snuggling. I really wasn't tired, and I thought maybe he needs to laugh, so I was playful and started biting him saying that I wanted a midnight snack. He laughed, and I told him that he wasn't trying hard enough to get better, so he joked back and we went to sleep.

I am trying really hard not to take his mood personally and to just believe that it is b/c he was sick (and on his days off which have been really nice-70's, sunny-unusual for Ohio ). So, I can't blame him for not being happy, but why wouldn't he say so? I'm thinking, "is he thinking about his resentment towards him & how I'm screwing up our M. Is he thinking about the sitch. w/the truck..." I have a really guilty conscience about the prob's I have created in the past 3 5/6 years. It's like can't I just QUIT this BS and get on with our lives???

Tonight I play vball. We haven't talked about the weekend yet.

Keep venting here and be nice and playful to him. We do tend to think 'everything is about me' in this cirscunstances but there probably were a hundred other things in his mind at that time. You managed it well.

I find helpful to repeat in my mind: 'I cannot control him or his moods but I can control what I do'

You mean it's NOT???

I feel so selfish and greedy sometimes like I always want and want and want from him. And when he gives me some, I want some more. When he doesn't give much, I feel rejected!!!

I'm starting to pray again and I am reading "The Purpose Driven Life." I want to pray for other people too, not just myself. ME ME ME!!! Why isn't there a screaming crying temper-tantrum throwing graemlin in these??


I like that: I cannot control him or his moods, but I can control mine and what I do.

Thanks Op!

K,

You sound like you have good PMA...go girl! Good for you with the prayer. I find that it gives me strength and hope. I try to pray every day/night and read my bible every night. I pray for you guys here, too.

Take care of yourself!
Debi

K,
I finally found and have read your thread and I have to say that we have a bit in common. My H also seems to enjoy being away from me. I would be with him all of the time if I could. I, too, am backing off, but it is very difficult. I understand that H needs breathing room right now. I know that my sitch is different because of H's A, but the not wanting to share a lot of time together is the same. Just hang in there. I think I'm probably older than you and I know that it takes two mountains to make a valley. I keep reminding myself of that. Also, I have also felt a little abandoned by the Lord, but I know that He loves me and is there. I can't imagine going through this without Him. Continue to pray and you will be in my prayers as well. It will get better. Hold your tongue and put on your best smile. Be warm and loving when he initiates. I'll try to remember to take my own advice. You've been very helpful and encouraging to me, so see, you aren't just thinking of yourself!!

Hi kharvey ... and welcome to piecing. I seem to be getting a bit slow in greeting new neighbors of late with the neighborhood continuing to get bigger and all ... so many new posts ... so little time ...

Quote:

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Yes, my moods seem to be dependent on how H treats me. I need to feel Ok no matter what!

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You're allowing H to have too much power over you. In a sense you are allowing yourself to be victimized ... you're only allowing yourself to feel good when H meets certain conditions. Its totally reactionary and the defining trait of being needy.

Think back to when you were first dating. The source of your demeanor relied from within. Being dependant on others to make you feel good would not have been an attractive trait. Time to take reclaim the power ... the control of how you feel. Strive to feel good about yourself regardless of anything your H does ... good or bad!

To build that PMA, its starts with acting "as-if" ... "fake it until you make it". Act positive, self-dependant, confident, attractive to become positive, self-dependant, confident, and attractive. What help me get started on the right foot and stay focused towards achieve this "new" me was to ask myself each morning when I woke up, "What can I do today to make it better than yesterday?" By asking it forces you to review what didn't work so well the day before, so you can formulate 180's to focus on to avoid those bad things from reoccuring.

By putting your focus on building your PMA and placing your effort on what you can do to make today a better day, will you start to change your image of what your H thinks you are.

This is a slow process and will take a long time for him to change his perspective. That because for now the bad times still outnumber the good times. By focus on making today better than yesterday, you are shifting the ratio back to where the good times will outnumber the bad, but that takes time ... any why it takes so much patience. Think each day as a brick ... take day by day ... brick by brick and eventually over time you will have a city.

Only after H senses the majority of the time he is spending with you feels good, that is when he will no longer be convinced that, things can't work out and you will see a more consistant shift away from his negative moods.

Whew! ... long winded as that was ... let me just add when looking for 180's to do ... don't forget to have more fun! Either for yourself or doing something that H might be interested joining in...

'til later,
KAW

Hi KAW,
thanks for welcoming me. I know I've seen your initials somewhere. Thanks a lot for the feedback!!

Last night I did a really good job. I came home and laid down for a few min's. H came in & I told him I wanted to hug him. He said, OK. He went to take a shower-he tried to call his friend to go out to dinner but didn't hear from him. I went to walk the dogs, and came back in. Got ready for vball and left earlier than my session was. I told him I didn't have to leave until 7:50, but I left at 7:10. If he asked why I was going to say to visit w/friends or whatever. I sat in my truck and read one of Sage's posts that I had printed out.

Went to vball, had a great time, went to store and had to make a cheesecake for work today. H was home, he went to din by himself and was on the computer. I just went about my business all night happy as a lark (I actually didn't have to act that much!)

**I almost forgot, H was emailing some friends including a girl that I got jealous over a few times & I just said cheerfully, "catching up w/people?" and he said yes. I guess I did feel a little j but didn't act like it. One reason I was J, and you can tell me this is silly, but he RARELY calls me by my name (something about his closest friends and family he doesn't), but he says her name a lot when she is around. And his em said "hi B..." so that did make me twinge.

However, I thought about some people on here and thought, their S's have EA's and PA's and my H DOES NOT! And, if I were to get upset and j and insecure w/him, he would have really gotten upset with me. that DEFINITELY does NOT work. Plus, it may push him closer to her, right?

I'd like to be able to go out/to parties with him and these friends and NOT get upset/j/insecure and NOT cry!! We did all go camping in July and I did not get upset! (He actually told his mother that if I did get jealous that our R would be over) (a little incentive )

So, then I got ready for bed while waiting for the
cheesecake to cook. We started goofing around-wresting and tickling and stuff. I was really being silly & goofy which is ME! he seems to enjoy it...guess he enjoyed it a lot b/c he initiated ML! Wrestling makes him horny!!! Of course, I never win, and he doesn't hurt me-it's all fun.

Today my head & ears hurt like hell! It's raining so I woke up with the h.a. I've been taking Advil sinus which is seeming to not work as well anymore! I can't wait til they find out what is wrong with me and fix it! B/c I would like to continue to be in a good mood, but it's harder when I dont' feel good!

victimized-yes, I do act that way! hmmph!

Yes, I like the brick analogy, I just need to stop tearing them down once I build them up again. & yes, H does see more neg. than pos. right now and that will take time.

Thanks all, ttys!
k

Hello,
Well H never said anything about going out w/his friends this weekend so that meant that he would be with me. I got home from work around 6 and H was not home (he gets off at 4 on Fri's). He called me at 7:20 saying that he was at his parents' working on a flyer for his band. My 180's were NOT calling him to see where he was (he would feel controlled), and NOT getting upset with him when he did call. I did feel some anxiety as the time went on, but I knew I would hear from him not too late, and I used it to read more of Sage's threads that I have been reading. I thought maybe he got stuck working on a car, went to his parents, but my fear was that his buddy called him and he went to a bar w/o telling me. Glad I was wrong.

So, we decide to go to dinner and see a movie if it's not too late. It ended up being too late so we rented one. Dinner convo. was good. He's not a man of many words, and sometimes I feel like we dont' have enough to talk about. He's still sick too.

He told me that his friend did call him but he told him that he didn't feel good so he wasn't going out. I was a little hurt like, why didn't he say he was spending time with me? And when either of us goes out on the weekend, we usually give each other a few days' notice. & I wondered if he did feel good if he would call me and tell me in the afternoon. ???

When we went to bed I told him I had fun, and he said, "dinner & a movie..ooooh.." like it was boring. I said, well I had a nice time talking to you & spending time with you. So, my mind is off again thinking, did he not have fun? or was he concerned that b/c he is sick we were not going out? (one of my many complaints that I have expressed with him.)

On a + note, we were talking about getting together w/another couple for dinner and he said, "how about next weekend?" His band is playing out on friday, and sat. is Sweetest Day. So i told him that Sat. is sweetest day and he said, "ok, the following weekend." Sweetest day is like a mini Valentine's day here in Oh. How it got started, I'm not sure. Hallmark??

Anyhow, I didn't have any expectations to ML which is good b/c we didn't. He was having coughing fits this morning, and sneezing and sniffling, so he probably doesn't feel too seXy.

Today he works and has band practice, and we are going to see a band tonight. He doesn't know if he is playing remote control cars or not tomorrow, so we'll have lots of time. So, I know that I must make this a positive experience and not get upset about anything or it won't happen again! (well, maybe not ever.) And, I'm also wondering if him spending all this time w/me is going to freak him out. He was so affectionate and initiated sex A LOT that week he was gone every night! So, I am thinking about making plans w/a gf for Monday and telling H to fend for himself/go out w/a friend.

I made plans for wed, and thurs i play vball. H usually bikes on tues but it's getting cold out...

For me, I need to keep up my PMA, do some housework, walk the dogs, and keep having fun joking around w/h being silly and acting confident, secure, and happy.

sounds like things are moving along just swell. you are doing things and monitoring results, which is a key to db'n

so you have a musician hubby eh? um, so do i. sometimes i think they are a different breed altogether from "regular" men ... the creative musicians mind is a life all in itself

do you find that to be true?

kitti

Yes, and I think the differences are better for us! That means they are using the side of the brain that women do, right?

My H can be very intense and focused and determined to solve problems. But, I also think he is more sensitive ? He would never say it, but... (got picked on in school)He's not into sports-yeah! I'm glad I don't have to watch football or other, but i like to PLAY sports and he is not very athletic. (But he makes a great spiker for vball b/c he is 6' 6".)

Thanks for checking in Kitti!