I am so grateful that you took so much interest in my situation. You gave me so much of your time giving me such great advice. I thank you so very much Sandi!
So, here are the answers to some of those questions...
M 57 H 56 M 12 yrs ( 2nd marriage for both ) No children between us ( 2 dogs )
We are are still living in the same house because he says he can't afford to move out. He has a good income by the way. I just think he's stubborn and doesn't want to be the one to move out. As for me, I haven't wanted to move because my feelings are he created this, he wants the divorce, this is my home, let him move.
As for D... He filed ( did his own paperwork,no Lawyer yet that I'm aware of ). Then I retained a Lawyer and responded. The you know what then hit the fan because I asked for what I was entitled to. He didn't want me to have much of anything. Just my car I paid for, and this laptop he bought me for my B-day. How nice of him! My L just shook her head. I think he is upset with me because he thought I would just go along with what he wanted on the papers. It has been six months now, and L hasn't heard a thing from him. Yes, it is very hard living this way, watching him come and go and doing his thing. But as time has gone by, I find myself getting stronger. Sometimes I think he's trying to wear me down so I will leave.
I no longer pick up after him or wash his clothes. When I make dinner, I ask him if he would like to partake. I still buy things he likes when I go to the grocery store. I always wondered if that should stop also.
In five days, I am going away for three weeks to visit my D in Georgia. I told him when I was going, but didn't tell him where. Should I tell him anything more? Whenever I visit my parents for a few days in the next town, I always leave a note where I am. Maybe I should stop that also? Also I am wondering when I'm gone, if he will have the gaul to bring gf into the house. Yes, I know it's his house, BUT it's my house too. She would come here, she took up with a married man didn't she.
Let me know when you have more great advice for me...
Sorry to hear about your morning.....you have been in my thoughts all day. I want to just break down, but your strength in dealing with you H's behaviour has really given me a boost today.
I agree with Sandi as far as detaching and dropping the rope...for you. For me, we have not lived together for 6 months now and so I am adding some activities.....though I am staying away from my normal "Martha Stewart" behaviors and nothing on a regular basis. No cleaning. Just putting the dishes in the dishwasher. No extra anything. I have so far only made one real meal and he has been here for 2.5 days so far. 3.5 days more to go....I am wondering when the s*^% is going to hit the fan. But, I went on and on about that on my blog.........so lets get back to you.
As sandi said, to get them out of their MLC fog, this will be very time consuming. I also think that bc NO ONE except H can help H, for my sanity and lack of expectations....I am adding way more time for this fog to lift ......for my H anyways. So it is best for us to start practicing living our lives as if we were on our own.
Its like someone said on another blog....I think of my H as a crazy, discheveled homeless person who is just going on and on, rambling things that I really just don't understand! It is just such a good analogy. Its like they have lost all perspective and would you argue with that crazy homeless person standing at the corner rambling? Isn't that just a great analogy?
I just wanted to check in on you, but see that a lot of DBers have responded to your blog. You hang in there and stay tough and dream big for yourself!
Yes, my seatbelt has been fastened for a while(lol)... Just when I think he is softening and coming around, I start to loosen it a little. THEN he pulls away and I tighten it back up. They say whenever the MLCer starts to come close, they then pull away. Kind of like a pendulum.
I will have to post my profile, thank you for the idea!
Thanks for stopping by! I was wondering where you were. Sounds like you had a great trip. And H called every day. WOW I will be going away for three weeks soon, and can't even imagine H calling me.
Today was a good day. H was home all day. We watched movies, I made cookies, and we ate dinner together. AND, when he was talking to his D on the phone, I heard him tell her he had a wonderful day! Go figure. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary. Can't wait for tomorrow (YIKES) You know how that goes. What goes up must come down! I need to go fasten that seatbelt now!
I'm glad you had a good day! Interesting how he said on the phone that he had a wonderful day - I'm sure that was good for you to hear. I know what you mean, hang on for tomorrow.:)
He calls to talk to the kids (supposedly) so I don't know if we didn't have them if he would bother to check in at all, but he did talk to me for a few minutes each time, very amicably.
I'm sure it will do you good to be gone for three weeks. It is so much easier to think about other things when it is not right in front of you all the time.
I kind of laughed when I read where you said he was stuborn about moving out b/c I think I see a bit in you too. The point is if he's making your life miserable enough....it's time to leave that house and stop enduring that torment. But the decision is up to you and when.
Now I will tell you my idea of dropping the rope and others may have their own. To me, it is much more than detaching. Dropping the rope is to act as if he is not in your life......period. If he were not in your life, would you ask him if he wanted to partake in the dinner you cooked? If he were not in your life, would you bake cookies and watch a movie with him? See what I mean? He is cakewalking big time and you have yourself to blame b/c you are thankful for any crumbs he tossese your way. "Crumbs" being his time/attention for you. He is walking all over you MJ. You need to show self respect and make him respect you also. He is not going to do it as long as he knows he can treat you like this and still be able to do whatever he wants and you will be available to watch a movie or cook him food.
IMHO, you are much too nice to him. Do you think I would treat a man who wanted to divorce me like you are treating him? He has life pretty good, doesn't he?
It is hard b/c you still love him. Love can help you endure the rough ride.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are right, I am always looking for something positive from him. Everytime he is being nice, I start getting this glimmer of hope that maybe the fog is clearing. Whenever he is being nice, I act nice towards him.
I know being nice to him is not showing respect for myself. But I don't feel good about myself whenever I'm ignoring him.
I read somewhere on here that you needed to act like a woman he would want to come back to. I wish there was some way to show respect for myself and drop the rope and still be the wife he wants to come back to. I hope this is making sense to you. I know what's in my head, but it's so hard to write down.
If someone would have told me that my H would have a MLC and get OW, and I would stand by him through it all, I would have told them they were crazy. I would have said I would throw him out so fast it would make your head spin. But here I am... Surprised the heck out of me. Among many of my friends and family. In fact they are surprised that I haven't had a complete meltdown yet. I have gained strength over time, and I know who gets the credit for that.
