Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Wife says she wants me to move on

Brkn, stop thinking about how she will react. Do what makes YOU feel good....don't worry about how she will interpret you doing work around the house. Come on Brkn, do you actually think she will react negativelly to you working on your house? For what it is worth Brkn, I know where you are now...we have all been there....you need to move out of there. You need to get to a place where you do things for yourself, for your own well being. Once you feel better about yourself, it will show and she may notice.........

I just finished reading Ch6 of DR. I reread "Method of Last Resort" multiple times. Its the only method left I can do. I haven't spoken or seen my W since Thursday. Today she called, but I was busy with a friend. Later she txt me saying she went to the house to drop something off. One of the things DR says is not the show anger. If I dont call her back or reply to her txt, is this a sign of me being angry? As I said before, I feel very uncomfortable seeing or talking to her because of the next mean thing she is going to say about our marriage. I know im suppose to act happy, guess I have to sike myself up to that (im not a great actor and she can see this).

Broken,

I'd suggest thinking up AHEAD OF TIME how you're going to respond if she says the next mean thing about your marriage. Visualize it, and rehearse what you're going to say (ex: (upbeat) "I'm really sorry you feel that way. Look, I hate to run, but I have something I have to get to. We'll talk later, okay?").

If you PREPARE yourself ahead of time, with a STRONG response, you'll begin to lose the fear of even starting a convo with her.

Cuz you do need to still be civil, and courteous, and completely avoiding will be seen as passive-aggressive or cowardly. You're learning to draw a line, but you've been drawing it in the wrong place (at the BEGINNING, avoiding ANY convo), instead of learning to draw it AT A HEALTHY BOUNDARY, such as when she raises her voice, or says something totally rude or disrespectful.

Let me put it another way: do you avoid telling jokes whatsoever with people because you're afraid they might tell a tasteless one that will offend your personal ethics and integrity? Or is it better to tell (and listen to) jokes, and if someone DOES cross your boundary, calmly say "Look, I'm not a prude, but I really don't appreciate jokes about (fill in the blank), ok? No big deal, but thanks."

Hope that helps. The only other thing I wanted to add after reading ALL of your posts just now, is what someone said above about you allowing your wife to plan what YOU are going to do if you divorce. Go back and re-read the 2x4, and take it to heart.

Puppy

Thanks Puppy.

Today has been hard for me. I keep thinking about what could I have done differently. Just when I thought I was moving on to another stage of greif, I am back to shock that we are not together anymore. I guess its normal to bounce back and fourth, or maybe not. I cant get her out of my mind today, I want her back, keep wishing she would give us another chance. What do you mean by "re-read the 2x4" ?

Regarding having a convo with her, she only called me once this week regarding something she was trying to find at the house. I didnt talk to her about anything else, but I would have liked to. I wasnt sure what to do, didnt want to come across needy. I guess next time she calls, I can ask her how her week has been.

It's perfectly normal to bounce back and forth. Like anything else this journey you are will sometimes be a two step forward, one step back. Best thing you can do is recognize when you are taking one of those steps backwards and refocus your energy and efforts into more positive actions, i.e. go to the gym and work out, go get a cup of coffee at a local bookstore, or whatever it is that makes you feel better.

When she calls just be upbeat and positive. It's okay to ask her how her day is, but don't let the conversation linger. Keep it somewhat brief and it's better if you're the one to end it.

S4H

Sometimes I wish I can just remove all the memories, make the hurt go away. I made the mistake of reading some text messages we sent to each other earlier in the year when we had a bad argument. I keep thinking, what could I have done differently. I know this isnt healthy, to dwell on the past. All I want is our marriage to have another chance. I find myself needing to stay out of the house, since everything reminds me of us. Ive been keeping text and video journals thoughout this process, in hopes it will help me in the future. Most people I talk to have no idea what people go thru in a separation/divorce. I dont wish this on my worst enemy...

LR doesn't mean no contact and no communication at all. I talked to a DB counselor, and I have to maintain some communication with my spouse because of the kids and finances.

Cutting off all communication would be seen as passive/agressive as PDT says above. Just keep it to necessary things and don't be seen as pursuing/begging/etc. It's about making them wonder what you are doing - also, it involves GAL'ing (LR is not just being silent) - and helping them see that this is not getting you down or ruining your life.

So in the LR technique, Im suppose to wait for her to make the first move on contact, correct? Im getting on with my life, not waiting around for her, but at the same time I dont want to come off passive aggressive as mentioned above.

Hey brkn,

Not saying this is an either or situation but I would rather come off as passive aggressive than needy....
This is a tough time for you, I know. You need to continue with the GAL activities...work on you...make yourself happy.

I just hate having to play these games, feels like teenage dating shenanigans. I have people telling me different things, lord knows which one is right. Just tonight someone was telling me I shouldn't wait for her to come back, she may find someone else in the meantime. Ok, so Im suppose to someone make her love me again... Sorry about the rants, it sucks wanting something so much and you cant do anything about it... The good thing though, I had a good day today. Weather was great so I worked outside around the house, did a couple DIY projects, and went out to eat with a friend. The weather is suppose to be just as good, going on a fishing trip.