Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again First Piecing Thread

Hiya H4U,

I think your challenge is going to be that she's either NOT going to open up in the way you are seeking, or she's going to take a long while doing it. And in the meantime, I think your comments like the one about Sub Shop Dude are going to drive her away if you do too much of that, and annoy the crap out of her if you do ANY of it.

I'm not saying it's not COMPLETELY FAIR AND UNDERSTANDABLE that you would feel that way -- I do, too -- but you've got to continue to come across as Strong Confident Witty Guy, or it's not going to be productive, kwim??

Puppy

I think Puppy's right.

I believe that unless you both figure out what exactly made her cross the line to begin with, you will always wonder if she will do it again. Before, you both probably thought that was impossible for her to even DO it...now, you know it is possible and need to know what caused it. I think some counseling or retrouvaille or a candid discussion about it eventually will be in order....when that should happen, I don't know, but until then you will constantly worry whenever she does ANYTHING with someone of the opposite sex. I think you feel like you already know, but have you two actually discussed it, and then came up with a resolution or change that will be made?

I know what caused me to have an affair. My H and I have talked about it, but not as much as we should, and we are gliding on that easy/feel good time together, but we really need to delve into this soon.....He, unlike you, is not worried about me....I'M more worried about me......

But, back to what Puppy said....anything you say about that guy will look like jealousy now because of the lack of real discussion about causes, etc,

Puppy and WDID. Thank you. Of course, I know you're right.

I've just been letting the positive's mess with my patience. WDID, I don't think she'd do something like this again, but I thought that before. And once you're burned, it takes a long time to let those feelings go. I just need to keep remembering it's only been a month and a half since she finally admitted she loved me and always had. And just because she came to that realization doesn't mean she still won't have set backs.

Case in point. Last night we went out to "our" bar/grill for dinner and a couple of drinks. We were sitting at the bar, having a great time, talking with some of the regulars and "our" barmaid and BAM, up pops an advertisement on ESPN for the Florida/LSU game tonight. OM was a huge LSU fan. Took W to an LSU/Kentucky game on one of her weekend trips to see him. And W's mood CHANGED. Don't get me wrong. She was still fine. But I could tell it affected her. I'm sure it was a huge trigger for her. The rest of the night she was pretty subdued.

We went to bed and I've gotten smart enough in this mess to know when not to push things so I just went to sleep.

Don't get me wrong, it really bothered me. Still does. That the sitch can still have that kind of hold on her a year and a half after it ended.

It's another yucky day here. Going to run to the store and pick up a few home improvement things, go out to breakfast by myself and then come home and work in the house. Then our beloved Buckeyes at 3:30. The real test will be at 8:00 when there's a choice between Fla/LSU and Mich/Iowa and which game we watch. I sure hope she's out of her funk by then.

Talk to ya later.

Yes...she will have setbacks....and I don't think she will ever "forget" that OM. I, to this day, think of the OM just about every day. I'm sorry that doesn't help much to know that. But, when you let another person in your heart it just doesn't go away. Even though I know that I wouldn't have been totally happy with the OM, and I know I am happier now with my H, it is still there and I'm wondering if it will ever go away. When I become subdued (unlike you, my H doesn't notice those times because he doesn't know details like you) it is more a remembering/missing those fantasy times kind of thing. Like a alcoholic remembering the booze high, etc. It doesn't mean I don't love my H as much...more of a remembering and/or trying to process it. I, personally, try NOT to think too long because as much as I'd like to think that if I think about it enough it will work itself out, it doesn't work out that way...instead, I find myself dwelling on it. I need to just enjoy my life and my husband and try to stop those thoughts.

Thanks WDID. It is tough to hear, but I knew that already, that she probably thinks about OM daily.

We do have a lot to work through, but we're getting there. I guess all she has to do is say a couple things to me, and it pulls me out of my funk.

Saturday we went and had a great time all day. When we got home, W was walking up the steps from our garage to the house and her one heal got caught wrong and she fell smacking her head on our lawn mower. She's got a nasty bump on her head, but she'll be ok.

So I took care of her. Helped her to bed, and laid there holding her. She started crying and told me she loved me about a 100 times. She also said in the middle of all that, "I'm so sorry for everything".

Wow. If I'd have known all it would take was a bump on the head, I'd have tripped her a long time ago!

Gotta run. More later.

H4u.

You're too damned funny, H4U!

I'm glad she's OK. Great job with the knight-in-shining-armour thing, dude!

Hey everyone. Have hit a little bit of a road block and want everyone here to tell me I'm just being stupid.

W has been fairly distant this week. She hasn't worn her rings all week and has not been very affectionate with me since Sat night when she told me she loved me 1000 times and was sorry for everything.

I know she's having a sucky week at work and I know she is fighting off a cold and I think she may be PMS'ing, but it's still strange. And given that it's only been 2 months since our break through, it's very discouraging for me.

I know, I know, I shouldn't let her moods affect me. But it's harder said than done when you've been to the edge of that abyss and have that second lease on your marriage.

So did Saturday night scare her or really hit her with just what's gone on so now she's being distant with me because she doesn't know how to handle it?

Ok, I'm done. Tell me I'm just being stupid....please....

Give her time. Don't take everything personally. As you say, she had a hard week. Just be supportive, she should come back around. She wasn't lying.

Everything's fine. Someone is bound to be moody once in a while. If it lasts a long time, talk to her about it.

I disagree (sorry). I think the moods are perfectly understandable and explainable. The rings, however, are not a "mood" issue, or at least they shouldn't be!

They are a commitment issue, and they shouldn't be taken off and put back on lightly.

Puppy