Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Last resort technique, what to say?

Going dark does get easier. Takes real work on your part at the beginning. Dont have any expectations. Dont look for little signs that its working, thats counterproductive and keeps you on the rollercoaster. If you DO backslide and get in a r talk or get needy, learn from it and move on. Dont dwell on it or try to "fix" it with her. Right now its about you. Doesnt mean you're giving up on her, just giving her the space she wants. Taking the time you need to work on yourself. When youre having a bad day, vent here, not at her.

Dusk

Thanks Dusk. I usually talk to friends or family when I have a bad day, definitely dont want her seeing me that way anymore. It helps that I havent seen her in over a week, I usually feel like crap after seeing her.

Not sure if you're a fan of Country Music, but:

"And I don't want to see you anymore
I'm just not that strong
I love it when you're here,
But I'm better when you're gone
I'm certain that I've given and oh how you can take
There's no use in you looking
There's nothing left for you to break
Baby please release me
Let my heart rest in pieces"

-- Rascal Flatts, Pieces

Not what I'd say if W asks, (not quite) but kinda how it feels, eh? Hang in there. It gets better (and I'm saying that for you as much as for me).

@Steve McQueen said some very powerful things, and I hope you give him their due.

why would you want to be on bad terms with a woman?

Apart from "a" in that sentence, I agree -- I would put it, "Why would you want to be on bad terms with the woman you obviously had such affection for?"

But being on "good terms" doesn't mean being her lap dog, doesn't mean sitting on your sofa doing the old Mope'n'Hope.

It just means treating her at least as well as you would the United Package Delivery deliverer. "Hey, Charlie, how's it going? Good to see you again."

Even if she doesn't treat you that way. Especially if she doesn't treat you that way.

you asked, "Last resort technique, what to say?" You say nothing. You dont give any ultimatums; dont make any grandious statements that you are through and done.

The good @SMcQ is spot-on. If you "say something," then it's not really a Last Resort Technique. Because if she responds in This Way or That Way to what you say, then maybe (probably) you'll keep hanging on. And then you'll have to have another "last resort."

A Last Resort is just that -- the LAST thing you're going to try. So think about what that means.

Your wife told you to let go, to move on. respect her request.

This is all you can do. This is the only true power you have. I did it. And once I did it, and it was obvious to my WAW, suddenly the power completely shifted in my favor. Now in my case events moved somewhat beyond where they theoretically ought to have gone -- but that's another story. The point is, the Best Thing you can do is exactly what she wants you to do. Because then she'll be in that most unenviable of positions for the Walkaway -- getting what she wanted. And not having you to blame.

Hang in there! Lots of tough love advice by some of the guys here but I have to admit that as a woman - they seem to be right that in this situation, showing your strong,happy,be-fine-without-you side is what makes sense! (However if you two do get back together - you'll need to work on learning how to listen to her and romance her - women want to feel sexy and romanced not just during dating but during the marriage too!)

Now what do you do when SHE contacts you? Picture in your mind how you would talk to a woman you barely know on the phone if you were having the best day of your life! You wouldn't have a lot of time to talk because you are getting ready to do something amazingly fun! Nothing negative she says would bother you in the least or cause a reaction. You'd only react to the positive things she says in the conversation with little jokes or even subtle flirting/double meanings (only if it flows natural - you wouldn't push it!) Your conversation would always look on the positive side of things.

I understand about not being interested in playing x-box so much lately - I feel the same way about my hobbies. But maybe if you try to force yourself to do it, you'll soon start to feel some of that enjoyment back from it?

YEP!!! This is exactly what I did. Hasn't changed my sitch and probably won't...but I'm not standing in her way. She has the life she wanted and I'm doing just fine without her.

Thanks everyone for the comments, it makes me feel better hearing from those who know what I am going through. Talking to friends and family about this situation is hard, especially when they have never been through it before.

Hi brknheart. How was your day ? Did you do something enjoyable?

Yes, I actually posted it in another thread.

I went fishing today with a group of people. It was fun, but guess what was on my mind. Their were other married couples there, some with kids. I want to do these things to have fun and get my mind off of my W, but its not working. Very frustrating. I cant even watch TV without thinking about her sitting next to me. I felt like I was getting better the past week, then yesterday I started wanting my life back and im at square one again. I dont mean to sound like a whiner, this is very difficult for me, as it is others. What makes it worse is the fact I havent seen her in over a week, and we only talked for 3 min earlier in the week. Makes me wonder if she even has a hint of care for me.

brknheart,I feel for ya.But at least this shows you're normal!