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Journaling.......

Just got back from lunch with H's sister visiting from out-of-state. Woke up with an icky headache this morning so I must have been really stressed about today (Hot pack on the neck now). Wasn't in tip-top form for my session with Jody and need to get better in the next 3 hours because my GAL activity this evening is to attend a reception hosted by 4 former state attorneys general and a former US VP. I am going with the person who has the inside info on H's dating life. Should be an interesting evening!

H drove SIL to my house (the house we had owned together). H and SIL came up to the front door together. The house looks great! I decorated new autumn planters and a wreath on the front door and 3 carved pumpkins on the front steps. With the autumn leaves everywhere the house looks like it could be on the front of a greeting card.

When I opened the front door SIL's eyes opened wide and she exclaimed "Wow! You look great!" (she hasn't seen me since I lost about 30 pounds -- I now weigh less than when I met H). I said "This is what happens when you work 25 hr/week less than before". H said he wanted to take photos of SIL with me and the cat. H and I hugged when he arrived and when he departed and bantered in a friendly manner before he left. SIL got to see all of this interaction and joking.

Then SIL and I got in my car to drive to restaurant. We were chatting about how nice the house looked.......
Me: I told H he is welcome here any time.
SIL: Yes, he knows that and he appreciates that.
Me: Really? He said that?
SIL: Oh yes.

SIL and I had a very nice visit. It was probably the most substantive talk we've ever had, so that was really nice. In the past our conversations had typically been filled with pleasantries. SIL started out by explaining that she had been "ordered" by H to stay out of contact with me in the past. She felt badly that she hadn't been in touch. I said "So this must mean that the gag order has been lifted?" She said "I guess so".

I made a point of asking her about her life and LISTENING. Here are some of the important points from a DB perspective.

Me: H seems really stressed out....and he seems unhappy too.
SIL: (could hardly wait for me to finish before chiming in) Yes! He DOES seem really stressed.
Me: I've worried about him.
SIL: I think that since he owns the company, HE always has to deal with equipment breakdowns and staff illnesses or if their children are ill......Plus, moving mom has been a lot of work for him.

At another point in the convo we talked about their childhood growing up with an alcoholic mother.

SIL: I have really blocked out a lot of what happened growing up.....I don't have memories of much of it. (She went on to say she thinks her childhood trauma still has a big affect on her life). I have been in counseling for years.
Me: Yes, I used to tell H that you and he were in the same household at about the same time (she is 2 1/2 years older) so you both would have been exposed to many of the same events.
SIL: Yes, I used to stay away from it (hide in my room). I wouldn't go "out there" (out of my room) but H would just go right out there and deal with it. H says that it doesn't affect him. I think that it (traumatic childhood) has affected him a lot more than he realizes or is willing to realize.
Me: Yes, in the clinic where I work a certain number of our patients have significant stress. When stress comes as a result of childhood trauma patients are limited in their ability to get better if they don't deal with those issues. Some patients just aren't at a point where they can go there.
SIL: (Nodded in a knowing way......knowing that we were both thinking about my H, her brother.)

So.....this means that SIL GETS it, that H running away from our M is somehow linked to his childhood trauma. I know that SIL talks to H by phone at least 2-3 times/week. At least now I don't think that she is a negative influence, and may even be a positive influence, although H is pretty single-minded when he sets his mind to something. That's how he was when he courted me.

H was moody when he picked up SIL. He had been phoning both of us that he was arriving shortly and neither of us heard our phones ring. SIL got to see firsthand his moodiness. SIL indicated that she would be keeping in touch with me.

So Ali, I think that I successfully implemented your suggestions and did not come off as a bunny boiler. SIL knows that I am sane. Thank you all for your support!

GAG

GAG,
Sounds like a good, insightful meeting. Good for you.You are very funny! Sick, but funny

Fantastic DB'ing GAG, keeping the inner bunny at bay is so key to every thing we do! Without nailing the inner bunny we can so easily walk into the "you havent changed at all" routine that H's perfect along with their script. Its good to hear that not only does SIL see sense but has also become a semi-ally, so can input occasional common sense to H.

I know for me the concern that my H was choosing his new friends based on the "you need to be happy" factor meant that I was doomed if they were filling his head with this, so I was quite pleased to find that the one he spent the most time with is very pro marriage.

Keep at it your doing so well, Im sure it wont be long before more success!

Hi folks!

I had a headache most of the weekend from stress, I think, so just checking in now.

Gardener,wish I could take credit for the "bunny boiler" descriptor. That came from Ali's ($!ck) brain. I have, however, taken great delight in adding it to my vocabulary, so perhaps I am a bit "off" as well.

Rabbit, thanks for your "atta girls" and the inner bunny mental image. You are right about not knowing who in your WAH's circle of friends/contacts might be supportive of M. I guess my stbxh's sister and mother are both wondering why H is D'ing me, but H is being very stubborn. He has a BMF (friend for past 30 years) who is a philanderer. I really think that my H's BMF has been a very bad influence on him. To me it says something about H (and probably his childhood trauma) that he has maintained such a tight friendship with someone who has so little integrity.

I went to the party saturday evening (the VP wasn't there but it was an interesting mix of people) with a woman who used to date my H's BMF and is still in contact with him. By comparing notes about what our men folk had said about the other's W/GF it became apparent that H and BMF withheld a fair amount of info about we women (W/GF) from each other. For example, H seemingly didn't say anything to his BMF about inviting me out to dinner for my birthday AND didn't say anything about the seductive way I was dressed. H ALSO has not told BMF about the positive interactions H and I had during the summer (H inviting himself for a beer on the patio, H accepting a dinner invitation I made to him, etc.).

Question for the men out there: Why would a man withhold this information (above) from his BMF of 30 years? .............and.........How much does your BMF's opinion influence your decisions?

GAG

Other men feel free to chime in, but I think it is b/c we men don't usually talk about that kind of stuff to other men. Women (I think) tend to discuss with other women friends how they are doing, feeling, etc. Men just don't. We tend to talk about sports, news, work, maybe about the kids some, but not our R's. We just aren't programmed that way.

I think this is why my W is amazed when I have a conversation with a man friend, and she asks how's he doing? Response: Good. W: Well, what about X, Y or Z? Me: Well, I don't know, we didn't talk about that. W: What DID you talk about? Me: Just small talk.

GIMA,

Thanks for your thoughts. So.......if men don't TALK about these these, do they communicate their opinions in OTHER ways? I have thought all along that H's BMF was a major factor in his decision to leave (a bad influence at best). Might I be wrong? Is it possible that BMF's opinion hasn't been a big obstacle to H considering reconciliation?

Question: How much are men influenced in their decisions by their BMF's?

Thanks!

GAG

Some men may discuss their R to an extent. I just think the general rule is we don't typically, unless asked point blank.

It is likely your H has discussed with BMF his M troubles. And if so, BMF likely encouraged him to leave, partly out of a skewed outlook on morals and partly to help H end his hurt as quickly as possible.

Your last question is a bit difficult to answer. It depends upon how much confidence your H has. Is he one to go with his opinion or is he one to be lead? I may listen to my friends' perspectives, but in the end, I know I alone must live with my decision, so I tend to rely on gathering information from friends, but making my own decision in the end.

Gag,
I ditto everything Gima said.

1) Women talk about relationships. Men talk about...stuff.

2) I have three long-time closest friends (one since kindergarden) we are like brothers. I take their opinions and advice very seriously into account, and with the love I know it is offered with.

When one of us says we need their take or input or advice on something important, we never feel pressured because we know the othersis not looking for the tie-breaking vote. Just their valued take on something.

Two weeks ago I was with one of these guys and asked his opinion about an issue re: Mediation I was struggling with. We talked at length and in detail. He gave me his opinion, Later in the week I went with a different option. He knows I did so and thinks absolutely nothing of it.

So, in my small band of brothers, we love, we commiserate, we offer solicited and unsolicited advice, we do not pressure or try to steer. I would think that is true of most man friends.

My (long) $.02

Wow!

Thanks GIMA and Gardener! Your feedback is REALLY enlightening. I mean that sincerely. Coming from objective sources somehow it seems more credible and understandable than if it came from a friend who knows the cast of characters.

When I asked H last spring if his BMF "trashed me" to him (OK.....not my best DB effort I know) he denied that had happened. Two months later when BMF came to the house (the only time I have seen BMF since the bomb) to help H move the patio set to his new house, Jody (DB coach) coached me to dress nicely and to be very friendly and chat up BMF. This seemed to make a big impression on BMF because later that day H e-mailed me that BMF thought I looked great and didn't blame him for our split.......but I have always suspected that BMF DID play an important role. Both of your perspectives helps me to see this in a different light.

GIMA, my H is a "leader" type and pretty strong-willed. He married me even though BMF's GF told me later that BMF told H he shouldn't marry me. When I asked H if this was true (6 months before the bomb) he denied that BMF had said this.

Gardener, the example you gave of seeking counsel from your childhood friends was really helpful! Thanks. My H has a posse of long-time male friends and since I don't have anywhere near the same length relationships with them I just didn't know what the dynamic may have been like.

Thanks to both of you. Helps me feel much less angry at BMF. I'm sure that H probably sensed my irritation with BMF.

GAG

Hi folks,

I've come down with some kind of cold or flu....can barely talk, almost hoarse, but need to be in clinic tomorrow.

I finished the "Midnight Letter of Release" and slipped it through H's mail slot yesterday afternoon before he came home from work. Thank you for your suggestions. It has been through several revisions but I'm happy with the final product. I'm posting it here to give folks an idea of what one of these looks like:



"H,

I completely understand why you reached the decision to file for divorce. The many hours I spent working took away time that we should have spent enjoying one another in every way. What little time we had together was too often spent on domestic chores, rather than on having fun. I was too often tense and gained weight because of the stress and long hours at work. I just need to let you know that I “get” it.

I’m not writing this to get you to change your mind neither do I expect a response. I just want you to know that the separation was a real wake up call to me and a catalyst for change. I am working 35 hours/week now and am happy to say that I find full-time clinical work much more interesting that I ever imagined it would be. Without the stress and long hours at the XXX (former work place) I am much happier and healthier. Clearly the changes have been to my benefit and for that I am grateful. I am a much better person because of what I have learned. I now know that I have a much deeper capacity for love and forgiveness than I ever imagined.

I know that you are moving forward and I know its time that I do the same. I have no regrets about having married you. I have very fond memories of the times we laughed and played together, the incredible kisses and sexual chemistry we shared, the wonderful evenings out on the patio and in our home together, and the fantastic trips we enjoyed together! These are all special memories that I will always hold dear.

Over the past year I have really appreciated that we’ve been able to work through a lot of challenging feelings and come out the other side with a friendship that is perhaps richer for its genuine caring in spite of the difficult time we’ve been through. In the future I certainly hope that we can continue to forge a friendship that has more time for fun as you continue to be a person with whom I enjoy having fun.

Always,

Me"