Its Sunday now--after I told him i knew about the OW and that I wasnt angrybut flet bad he flet so all alone he had to turn to someone else., and I am second guessing myself. Do I go completely dark? After he left the house yesterday afternoon he immediately called her --she called back with 2 long 30 and 20 minute phone calls (I know I shouldnt look online but I am weak). He said yesterday she is waiting for him to decide, he also said he has not made up his mind. How can you make a decision when you dont even spend time with one of the two people you are deciding on--although I guess yeterday counts for something. He also did not tell me who the OW is ( I am waiting to see if he will-but mentioned her name several times as we talked about his office)
I think you did right by confronting him. Some people like the excitement that an affair brings because it is doing something naughty behind someone's back. Not saying that your H was doing it for those reasons but maybe along those lines.
I think that the way you handle it was pretty good too. Like you said you did not scream and yell at him. Had you done it that way, it may have led to him validating his reasons for the OW. You did the oppisite of what he thought you would do if you ever found out. That showed him that you are still a very mature, self controlled woman, the woman that he M and hopefully still wants to be with. A woman who said that she understood how your M got to this point of the OW but wished that it had not come to that. You told your feelings very effectivly and then let it go leaving the ball in his court. Now he is telling the OW that he has to decide what he wants.
Seems to me that because of your way of confronting him then you may have put doubt in his mind that what he is doing with OW is the best thing for him.
If others disagree with me, let it be known. I am curious to see what others say.
When I found out what my H was doing, I did not even talk to him. I filed for a D and had him served. He was in a state of shock cuz he did not see it coming and at the time was unsure as to why I was doing it. Later when he did find out he said that he wished I would have talked to him. I just said it would have been nice to be talked to first too before the activities started. Either way, I screamed, yelled, said horrible things and sooner or later he finally said to me, "And you wonder why I go looking elsewhere with the way that you act." Sure he was blaming me but at the same time it showed me that I was pushing him away towards an affair.
Anyway, I think you did good. Now that you did a 180 and seen how the sitch changed a bit, what's next? What small things can you work on about yourself that you might want to change, what are you doing about GAL?
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
thank you for the support--what now--well I am trying to stay focused and GAL--joining support group through church so have someone to talk to--also joining a "girlfriend club" that does activities so I get out. Very conflicted about whether to be "darK" or call. I did call tonight to talk about the weekend--he is staying at house to watch dog while I go visit our daughter. He said over the phone that he enjoyed being with me Friday, staying over, and Saturday together and "didnt he act like he did?" I said "yes he did seem to enjoy the time with me and I did too but I couldnt be sure as I not sure anymore when he is being honest?" He said "well he could understand that as he hadnt been honest with me but he really did enjoy being with me this past weekend." I am taking that as positive. I am not going to call again but left food in fridge for 4 days and I think I will write a note asking him to stay Sunday night ( I fly in late Sunday night) so we can talk about our daughter who is hurting about all this. He is very very confused and unclear about what he wants so this just maybe another lie and his way of letting me down slowly. I feel so much stronger that whatever happens I will be okay. My C says I need to work on small things like slowing my speech down, not interupting at all, letting there be silences in the conversations and even doing something very "big" and out of character like a tattoo or sky diving to show him he wont be with the same woman he wasnt happy with before. This is so hard as I feel like I dont know the man at all.
I hope that you enjoy your time away and can maybe 'relax and not think' about it all for a few days.
One thing that I have found out when I talk to my H is that when he is confused about something to do with us and the M, it does not help to talk to him. He has no idea what it is that he wnat or what he is thinking one way or another. I just wait it out.
That maybe a hard thing to do at times, even for me, but sometimes it can benifit it too. Byt he time that he knows what he wants, he can at least state what it is to me. If I push him then it usually ends up bad.
I will check back in with you and see how you are doing.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Help I really need advice. While I was at my daughter's my son (22) broke up with his gf and is very emotional He wants to confront his father and the OW who works at his dads office very publicly. He is so angry at his father. I still want to try to reconcile with my moved out h. Should I try to stop him? Do you think it will cause repercussions towards me even if son is doing it on his own? H and I have appt at MWdavis woodstock office on Nov 13 with a counsellor for an all day session which my H wants to focus on helping our adult children. Please comment
well today is my 30th wedding anniversary. My father in law died today at 4 am after a week in ICU. I spent last week at the ICU with my H comforting him, saying goodbye to my FIL, with my H telling me he wanted me there, putting his arms around me then going into the bathroom every 4 hours to text his gf. This morning my H shows up at the house and crawls into our bed and cries about his dad's death. 2 nights ago he insisted his gf should come to the funeral to "support his mother" as they are good friends (gf works for H) but mother in law has no clue H is having affair. My adult children have vowed to physically remove gf from the funeral if she shows up as they are so angry with their father and her. Right now I feel like a truck has run over me a few times. Is it a sign that my father in law dies on my anniversary. I feel surrounded by death--of my marriage, dreams, and my wonderful father in law.
I'm sorry to hear of your FIL's death, particularly on your anniversary. But no, it is not a sign of anything. Death comes when it comes, and all other events take a backseat to it. Your husband isn't over you. And 30 years is a lot of history. I know, I have been married 30 years too. Your husband is going to have to make up his mind and stop trying to have 2 women. But his father's funeral is not the place for it. You children are adult players in the family now. I encouraged my children to tell their father what they thought of his girlfriend and breaking up the family. I think he was very surprised at how important the family was to them.
well today is my 30th wedding anniversary. My father in law died today at 4 am after a week in ICU. I spent last week at the ICU with my H comforting him, saying goodbye to my FIL, with my H telling me he wanted me there, putting his arms around me then going into the bathroom every 4 hours to text his gf. This morning my H shows up at the house and crawls into our bed and cries about his dad's death. 2 nights ago he insisted his gf should come to the funeral to "support his mother" as they are good friends (gf works for H) but mother in law has no clue H is having affair. My adult children have vowed to physically remove gf from the funeral if she shows up as they are so angry with their father and her. Right now I feel like a truck has run over me a few times. Is it a sign that my father in law dies on my anniversary. I feel surrounded by death--of my marriage, dreams, and my wonderful father in law.
Sounds to me like it's high time some BOUNDARIES be put in place.
I'm sorry to hear of your FIL's death, particularly on your anniversary. But no, it is not a sign of anything. Death comes when it comes, and all other events take a backseat to it. Your husband isn't over you. And 30 years is a lot of history. I know, I have been married 30 years too. Your husband is going to have to make up his mind and stop trying to have 2 women. But his father's funeral is not the place for it. You children are adult players in the family now. I encouraged my children to tell their father what they thought of his girlfriend and breaking up the family. I think he was very surprised at how important the family was to them.
