Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Detachment

I only 2x4 because I care. The above, well, you've given problem and solution there, dude. It bleeds over only if you LET IT. Granted, the mental and emotional process in *refusing* to let it isn't a snap-of-the-fingers thing ... it takes time, and you will backslide. But your mental self-talk and what you believe about yourself IS fully in your control.

Also, don't take this as a slam ... but can you see how you're sitting in the Center Of The Universe chair a bit, above? Your wife is a sentient individual with probably a hundred reasons why she might not choose to date or reconcile with you. Odds are, only *some of those reasons* have anything to do with you at all (as opposed to her family of origin or general emotional status, for instance), and perhaps even fewer have any relation to the person you are now becoming. Don't take on the load for her complicated human choices ... that's a form of arrogance (and even self-centeredness) in itself.

Finally, I hate to see you devote too many resources to detaching with the idea that it will deliver you from pain. There is no way to escape pain in this process. It's like expecting to have surgery without any post-op pain. Ain't gonna happen. The important focus points are: You are doing all you can to make this as healthy as possible for everyone. And whatever pain you feel, you will survive it, you can handle it, and you will not always feel this bad.

As my friend Kett likes to say: "This ^"

She shouldn't be getting rich and neither should you. Don't start a big lawyer fight otherwise the only ones getting rich will be them.

So true. Hopefully over time the pain stings less.

One other thing that I thought was worth mentioning on this thread is that the LBS will come to a point where they intellectually understand that they need to detatch for multiple reasons - maybe initially to affect the WAS because they read that it will help, but later to allow themselves to move forward with their life in a healthy way.

However, even thought the LBS intellectually understands all this, understanding and agreeing with the concept isn't enough to actually do it (in my case anyway). I felt like I understood that detatchment was important and why for many months, but doing it was a longer-term exercise and a gradual process (the degree of detatchment increased slowly over time).

Later, most likely due to the actions of the WAS, the LBS will then detatch for real.

Only then will they have a chance to get the WAS back, but by the nature of the detatchment process they may not want the WAS! How ironic, but it makes so much sense.

I think Puppy or Coach mentioned above that this is kind of a like a game when you actually detatch and look at the situation from the outside-in. I agree. It is a high stakes game with your family in the balance, but you get to a point where you can rationalize that you 'win' no matter what the outcome is.

antlers,

Since you are mainly posting over here now, ask 25yearsmlc for her advice since she is a family law attorney in California. I think somehow you are getting screwed and she will tell you that. You really should fire your L and hire a better one. Talk to her first though. Don't be an idiot in this as I know you are smarter than this.

Kevin

Antlers,
Something about your post really bothered me. Maybe if I was in your shoes I'd feel the same but you sound really angry at some perceived injustices. Quite certain this is going to be an unpopular post but your W has earned 50% of your current assets as she has contributed 50% to your family. If she has a retirement plan you should have a 50% claim on hers as well. Chances are that she was banking on you and had nothing set up for herself.

On the child support issue, you have grounds to push for physical custody if you are staying in the family home.

Maybe your post struck a nerve in my mind cause my W wants nothing. Think that hurts worse than being asked for her fair share.

I find it easier to detach when I realize that I'm the guy now that my W always wanted.

I am very familiar with the feeling of being a third party looking on at the actors playing their roles in a drama. I felt this way a few months ago and I knew that I had truly detached.. It was amazing. I felt very peaceful and centred. I knew that I could not control the situation neither did I feel the need to.

I understand your point of view. I have so many regrets and if I had it to do over again, I'd do a lot of things differently. But I've made many changes, and I feel very good about those changes. I just wish that she would have given me a second chance...I'd have spent my life making it up to her. It saddens me that I don't get that chance.