Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Wife says she wants me to move on

Exactly, bh.

I have the same problem - we had a few friends, but not many, and all this divorce stuff happened after we moved, so we both are starting over. I have to learn to make new friends without my wife around. It's something that will serve us better in the long term, regardless of whether or not our marriages are saved.

Since we already had plans tonight, I didnt want to upset her and cancel them. We had a nice time, we talked about day to day stuff, but then she brought up the separation/divorce. She started to tell me what options she thought of for me when we get the divorce and also how we got to this situation. She stated again that she is broken and has no control over the decision to stay with me or divorce me, she feels she only has one option. I said maybe we should stop seeing each other and she said she wants to wait a week and see how she feels. Ive come to the realization that we are getting a divorce, she isnt going to change her mind at this point, especially when she feels she has no choice. Im still reading DR though. I also still love her and dont want a divorce. She knows this but I didnt say this tonight.

Hey Brkn, just read your post and know you are a nice guy...probably TOO nice. When you get to the part in the book where it talks about 180s, you will have no problem thinking of a few.
Number one would be start taking care of number one (that's you). You start dictating and regain control of YOUR life. Stop taking orders. SHE HAS PLANS FOR YOU WHEN YOU DIVORCE??? SHE WILL SEE HOW SHE FEELS NEXT WEEK AND WILL LET YOU KNOW???? Sorry I had to raise my voice.....
Brkn, please do yourself a huge favour and stop being so available physically and emotionally. Trust me, it will do you some good and will give her the opportunity to miss you a little. This probably does not sound right to you (and probably will be very difficult) but to me it is crystal clear.
Great job on staying away from saying that you do not want a divorce. She already knows that...
Goog luck Brkn, you may be able to fix this....don't be so available. She needs to miss you!!!!!

Yes, I know, I am to nice... I really care about her and feel she is not thinking logically. Just a week or two ago she said that if I stayed in the same city, she would have to move away. Now she comes up with the idea of me staying here and renting a friends condo out, she would pay half the rent. This would allow me to stay at the current school I am attending. She even mentioned pushing the divorce back until next semester is over. This made me very confused. I said it would be awkward for me, especially since we would be connected by her friend. I cant stand to think about her dating after the divorce, and she said the same thing about me. This is very hard... The comment she made last night that she feels she has no control over this, that she is broken and feels divorce is the only option, is very disturbing to me. Im on Ch2 of DR, going to try and read the entire book this weekend. So far I like it a lot, I wish she would read it though (I know I shouldnt ask her to). She is suppose to be coming to the house today to pickup some stuff. Im leaning towards not being there when she comes.

Regarding having her miss me, she claims she doesnt miss me at all. For the first two weeks of the separation, she said she didnt miss me at all. I know she feels free right now, she can do anything she wants without wondering I would feel about it. For the first year or two of our marriage, I know that I was very protective and controlling. That changed, since I knew that made her very unhappy. She keeps telling me that she has never been happy and the marriage has been fine for me. There are things I would rather her not do, but the same goes for her to me. Take for instance a motorcycle. I thought about buying one but she is against it. Does it upset me, not really, my marriage and love for her is more important. Is she thinking like that right now, no. I feel like maybe I am crazy for not getting mad at her for what we have been through so far in the separation, but I still love her. It makes me wonder if something is wrong with me, but then again it would be odd if I didnt care.

You are right, she needs to miss me. She needs to realize that I am not going to be at the house anymore if we get a divorce. Since we dont have kids, I will most likely never be in her life again. I know some people can become friends with their S after a divorce, but I cant see that being the case for me.

LolaL is right, I need a break from seeing her. How should I tell her this without causing more tension? Should I wait x amount of weeks before seeing her again? Should I call her/txt her? I know, I have to finish reading DR...

edit: I was thinking about txting her and saying I had a good time last night at movie/dinner. Good or bad move?

Did you say it to her last night?

I cant remember...

Im having a hard time coming to the realization that she is not coming back. When she says she is 'broken', I feel is can be fixed. She doesnt feel this way. Maybe in a month or so I can convince her to goto marriage counseling, at least for 2-3 sessions.

Go ahead and send the text, but then leave it alone.

Remember, it is not your job to fix her. It is her job to fix what she feels is broken. In a perfect world, we would be able to fix our loved ones, but we can't. She may not even know WHAT is broken, just that she feels it. Give her patience, and a lot of room to figure it out.

Last night was the first time I felt truly mad at her. She wants to be a single woman, do what she wants (like a rebellious teenager), go out to the night clubs, etc. Just the other day she said that its hard for woman in their 30s to find a good guy, that its a dating puddle vs a dating pool (her friend has been having a hard time finding someone). I started thinking about myself, sure Im not the perfect person (nobody is) but I know Im a good person, husband, lover, etc. Why does she just want to give up 11 years just because the last 6-8 mths have been hard on both of us. What kind of guy does she think she will meet at a night club (no offense to those who goto night clubs), when she has a guy who loves her and would do anything for her. So my question is, how should I act around her now. Since this happen, Ive been to nice like others have said. Now that I have the feeling in me, I feel I have my own barrier up in front of me. I dont want to be mean to her of course, but I want her to know that she can lose me forever, im not going to be here anymore if we get a divorce. Im not going to be there for her like I have been the past 11 years. Im going to move on with my life. Just the other day she said if we lived in the same town, we may she each other dating other people. She would hate to see me with someone else, I feel the same way to her of course. I feel like getting as far away from her as possible if the divorce goes through...

btw, im on pg 77 of DR. So far most of the stories have been about people who are still together but on the brink of divorce. Im hoping there is a situation like mine in there, where the woman left and doesnt want to save the marriage.

Brkn,
This site is full of people who are or have been in your sitch. You will find that some opinions differ slightly but that there is a comman theme on what to do. I fell you are searching for answers...to get a road map to make your wife wake up and smell the coffee. I am afraid there is no miracle cure. Again, at the risk of repeating myself, stop being available. Start getting a life...hunker down becasue this will be a long battle. She wants to be single....well let her be. Because at the end of the day, nothing you do or say right now will get her to come running back. What you do or say right now may push her even further away however.
Sorry Brkn, just being realistic. Start lsitening to what the folks on this site are saying...you probably think you and your wife are different than the rest of us but you are not.
Good luck!

I understand john210, ive always been an impatient person, thats one of my weaknesses. I love to fix things, computers, mechanical, and household stuff. My first response is "I need to fix this." I know I have no control over this. One of the things my W was upset about was earlier this year I was laid off, couldnt find a job, and became very depressed. I didnt do anything for months and didnt seek help until 3-4 mths of doing nothing. She wasn't upset about me getting laid off or not finding a job, it was the fact I had a ton of stuff to do around the house I could have done and I didn't do it. This isnt the reason for the separation/divorce, but it did play a factor in it. She already decided she wants to buy my half of the house when we get a divorce, I plan on moving to another city. Im debating on whether to start doing those things I didnt do before, but Im worried that she is going to get upset and say "You are only doing this to try to change my mind." I could sure use some things to get my mind off of the situation, and doing these things would help with that. Its still my house but then again I dont want to push her further away. Am I damned if I do, damned if I dont?