Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Still getting nowhere fast....

Lost-

How are you doing this week?

Rob... I have been away for a bit so I am just now getting back on here to answer your questions. So here goes nothing....

If you are entitled to be who you are, is your husband entitled to be who he is or does he have to feel bad for having sexual preferences? He can be who he wants to be but that does not mean that I have to become a slut to make him happy. I have been trying to meet him in the middle as best that I can yet he still wants more.


Would you rather he pursue these sexual preferences with another partner? If you have read my entire thread you would have known that he has already tried to persue his sexual fantasies with other women. He had a sex texting partner, profiles on sex web sites, and tried to sleep with my sister. I don't think you know what you are asking in that question.

If you read what you posted, you are afraid that if you fulfill this fantasy with him, he is going to ask for more from you. Do you want him to pursue sexual pleasure with you?
Is that a bad thing?
Persuing his sexual pleasure is not a bad thing, however, it is a bad thing when that is the only reason he makes me feel like I am kept around in this M. Is is so wrong for a person to want to be wanted for more than a frigging hole between her legs?

Are his sexual fantasies a bad thing? No I don't think it is. But in the past I have fulfilled them and then the next one is there to take its place. And they continue to get more elaborate. Just cuz I tell on here a couple of them don't mean that I tell them all. How about the one where he wants to have me suck him off while he is watching two girls get it on. Does that sound like a good fantasy to any wife on here?

Do you feel inadequate because he is asking you to do these things? No I don't. I can make it a very good night and have him begging for more in 5 minutes. I think that since he is still M to me and still wants me that much, then I must be doing something right.

Should he just accept you as you are? You make it sound as if I am suppose to accept him the way that he is, so why can't he accept me for me?

If that is the case, consider who he is, if he is being honest with his sexual tastes with you, is that a bad thing? Is him being honest with you sexually with what turns him on a bad thing? Can he be accepted by you as he is which means accepting his sexual preferences? He has always been honest with me in this department. No it is not bad thing that he tells me. What scares me is the fact that I am never going to live up to his expectations and that he will continue to cheat on me and lie to me and use me and be verbally abusive to me.

Do you feel inadequate because he has these preferences? Just a bit I do. He is letting me know that I am not good enought for him. That if I don't fulfill hs fantasies then he will look elsewhere. Why can't I be good enough for him with out having to compromise my integrity, my self esteem, or who I trully am. I am not a slut, nor will I act like one just to please my H.

Rob...I truely don't understand what the hell you are doing on my thread. I don't think you have any idea what I have been dealing with for many years. how this feels to be treated this way and not be able to get out because you keep hopin for the better to along after the worse is over. You have hurt me deeply by asking such questions. You act just like my H does when he questions me about why I won't take it in the butt, or sallow, or let another woman join us. I am NOT a slut nor will I be treated like that by my H or by you. I am very hurt and angery at you Rob for the way that you have come across.

I would like to hear what you have to say about my answers and and how you have made me feel. then after that, maybe you should read the book, Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus. If your on here to help people, then don't come across as bad as my H has been treating already been treating me!!![/color]

bunny, things are pretty much the same. I have been trying to stay busy and active but I am having a very down time and I am having a hard time climbing back out of my down mood like I have in the past. I seen Rob's post and that really set me off. I answered back to him before this one so I am sure that you read it. I feel like Rob has no clue and is as bad as my H. Maybe I am really the one that is messed up then if all men think that way.

Yeah, I kinda thought that might have been the case.

Take care of yourself, hun. Is H still acting crazy and breaking stuff? That is scary sh*t and you need to get yourself out of there before he physically hurts you. The money situation will work itself out if that's why you're still there- there are domestic violence organizations that can help you get started somewhere new. Please look into them.

Hugs,
Bunny

(((lost)))

I know you're tired and hurting a lot. It's a draining experience. I don't know if this would work in your H's case or not, my personal opinion would be probably not, but you don't seem to have much left to lose...is to see if he would investigate the MEVAC site. It's Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control. You've put up with some fairly heinous verbal abuse. Anyway, that site is for reforming abusers.

To be honest, your H has so many of the specific narcissistic traits I don't know if would help. I hate to offer any kind of false hope,as you know. But maybe he would consider it. Maybe OTHER MEN could get through to him.

Meanwhile...you are cared about here. I'm sorry someone upset you. More hugs.

I could be wrong, but I think robx has made his point; and he is not subtle in how he does it, either.

If your husband refuses to give up on his sex fantasies, and you are unwilling to cater to them (and rightly so, make no mistake!) then the answer is clear.

This is a boundary issue; you didn't get married so that you could be shared with other people. It's time to look for someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve, and it's not going to be your husband.

You wouldn't be the first person to find out that their spouse isn't what they appeared to be; I have a friend whose (now ex-)husband became stone-cold abusive on the night of their honeymoon. She still wonders to this day how he managed to hide it from her.

Thanks guys for sticking around me through this.

I don't think that anything is going to help right now. I seriously thought that going to an MC would help but I have since changed my mind. It is not working in my opinion becasue we can't go often enough to benefit from it. Since we got back together we have only been able to go 3 times together. Geez, where is the help in that?

My H has not been breaking stuff anymore but now he is on to the next thing that is crazy and hurtful. Just about everytime that I talk to him now, and we end up arguing about something, I get told to shut the f*** up, to go f*** myself, or to f*** off. Not sure where this new behavior has come from. Sure it is better than breaking my stuff to a point but it is still just as hurtful.

I have been really down about how things are going or to say the least how things are not going. I am having a hard time with all of it and what robx said just did not go over good with me. I am sorry for venting on another poster here. Perhaps that was not the best of my communication attributes. Maybe I took it out on robx because it is exactly some of the same things my H has asked me in the past.

Money is a big issue. My girls are the other issue. And I can probably give a list of ten more reasons why I am not ready to give up, move out, or get a divorce. None of my excuses are very good though. I don't have anything but a part time job that woudl barely make ends meet and I would not be able to put enough food on the table, clothe my girls, get all the things that they needed, pay rent and the utilities, and keep all the other bills at bay to. I hardly have any money in the savings accounts, at least not enough to sustain us long enough. Also, I am afraid that if I leave and I am struggling, then my daughters real dads could find out about it and take me back to court to get my girls. If that were to happen and I can't pay for a lawyer and then I lost my girls because I can't provide for them, then I would be devestated.

I am so lost.......

I don't know how I feel about my H anymore. I use to think that love was everything and that if you had it, then you could get through anything. I am begining to second guess that theory. I use to think that we could get through this, gt past it all, and come out the other end, stronger, being able to communicate better, and perhaps in love again. I am also second guessing those thoughts too.

I think I am second guessing alot about me, myself, and I right now. I don't know what I want, where I want to be, or if I want to be with him anymore.

And so why is this a relationship you are trying to save? it sounds like he is trying his level best to make you miserable until you give in to what he wants.



So you are going to stay around in a loveless, abusive relationship? How does that benefit your girls?

There are plenty of resources to help single mothers and abused spouses. They exist for a reason. Look into them.

And I don't know about the fathers of your girls, but I think if they found out what you were living with now, they wouldn't be too happy either.



But this is a good thing. Once you know the answers to those questions, you will know what to do.

Beleive me -- there are plenty of guys out there who would treat you right and not want to share you with anyone, or degrade you the way your H seems to want to.

(((lost)))

It's scary to think about leaving... it's scary to be 'lost'.

It's confusing to know what to do that 'best for the family, yourself, & the kids'.

There has been research done that traditional MC actually does more damage to a M where there is abuse. I'm not surprised it's not working in your case & not because you've only gone 3x.

I'm sorry that you felt attacked by another poster on here.

Some people mean well, but don't really understand as you pointed out. Others just want to be right and throw their weight & "2x4"s around to make their point, as another poster pointed out. I can imagine, since you have lived with a person who did this on a regular basis, this may come across as more of the same ugly behaviour.

It's up to you to decide which category to place that post into & what you take away from it. I can understand how it would keep you from posting here for a while. I've heard that from several WAW or AWAW.

I hope you keep coming back for support from those you find supportive & understanding. I agree with breakaway, Bunny & Trent.. find the resources you need to make the moves you need, but recognize you can't control everything & trust that the world, universe, God, friends, family etc love you enough to help.

Peace
Bridge

thanks guys for the advice.

Trent, I truely understand what you are saying about why should I stay in this M and that if I figure out the answers to all my questions then I will know what to do.

Bridge, The poster just hit me the wrong way that day and I have no desire not to come here for the advice that so many have already given me. I will keep coming here no matter who posts on my thread. That poster probably did not think that his post would have upset me. I do think that his posting has made me more aware of how others out there may think like my H when it comes to the bedroom and I may be just a different type of person with my views on bedroom fun between H and W.

MyH is on his way home. I am not excited about it. Actual dread it to be honest with you. We have been arguing about stuff that is so stupid it is almost funny. I keep thinking that if my girls were arguing about stupid stuff like this that I would tell them to quit and to hug and make up. I guess I am not in the mood to hug and make up at this point.

I have been thinking about leaving again. I noticed that whenI read the paper today, I was looking at for rent ads. I dont want to make any quick choices but something has to change. I can't live like this. I can't keep dreading when the H comes home. I can't keep sighing everytime that he calls and thinking 'here we go again'

On a good note. Even if my H is coming home, I have made plans to go horse back riding with friends tomorrow. It's suppose to be a beautiful day with the high of 72 and I think it may be the last good weekend that Iowa is going to get before the snow starts. I am definitly going to be in a saddle tomorrow by noon. Riding is a good thing for me. I forget most of my worries, troubles, issues, events, agendas, ect. I just relax. I need that sometimes. I will get a few hours of relaxing time before I have to get back to real life of mom, housewife, taxi, maintenance manager, wife, girl scout leader/volunteer, and (this week) trainee.

I am glad I have lots to do.