Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Question about wife dating.

It's so up and down between you two, do you wonder if you should move on?

For the first time in this relationship I'm finally focused on what is important. I finally "get it." I was so noncommittal throughout. She's where she is because of a R where I took while not giving back. I realize what I've missed out on. I've finally felt that deep desire for one person and she disengages. I spent the whole R wishing I could be the single guy yet still somehow hanging on. There was something special about her from the beginning and I never showed that or even tried to figure out what she meant. Now I know. And it may be too late.

What I need is to get back to the core of me. I didn't used to get so upset about being dumped, not by other girls and not by the potential loss of my W. I'm 38, not a kid anymore and I don't want to be one. I want to be a functional man, father and H. If there is a D, I will still want those things. I need to be those things while rediscovering myself. And that's what I'm going to do.

You know, I think I actually needed that shove. Thanks, all.

Reality is that for the 1st time I'm really ready for this. SHE is missing out on me. I did screw up and took her for granted. But I am making the changes I needed to make. If she can't appreciate them, then someone will. Maybe I'm not ready for another woman in my life right now but I'm not going to sit on my butt any longer.

She'll either figure it out or she won't. I won't let my life pass me by waiting for her. I figured it out and she may too. But that's not up to me.

And I do have a plan to get my life in gear. I didn't want to go ahead of it because it came out of my MLC period. But that's what's called for right now. My own life on my own terms.

Thanks again all who gave me the bonk on the head. I know I'll probably need it again.

MA,

Now you got it! You sound really strong. Please do continue to post, however, so we can support your new efforts.

Puppy

MAH. in another thread you stated you were in your own 'fog' in this thread you say your were in a MLC. Can you further explain your behaviors and your attitudes and how you feel that affected your wife during that period of time?

thanks, SMcQ

I loved my w but for the majority of the marriage I wanted to recapture my 20s. I wanted to go back to dating not taking life seriously. I didn't really want to give up the security of M but always felt it wasn't enough. I obsessed about wanting a care-free life. W was a pleaser and this pushed me further away. The new non-pleaser W is much more attractive. She just kept trying to please me and it made it worse.

Now I don't want the single life. Not just because she doesn't want me or because she's not taking care of me. I don't want to be a kid again. Too bad my W does.

I guess for both of us it came out of a lack of achievement and a feeling we didn't do enough or accomplish enough. I was never engaged in the R. I was there.

The more she tried so hard to make me happy without trying to make herself happy the less I wanted to stay. It's not an excuse because there is never an excuse for not appreciating your W.

Many of the details are embarrassing. I never cheated. But I was willing to give everything up for a chance to be single and free of commitment. I complain about my W having a dating site profile but was on a dating advice forum for the last year. I concealed it. It wasn't cheating but it was wrong. The sad thing is I may need that advice after all.

The fog was the belief that I just had to recapture my single life and I would be happy again. I it seemed easier to give up the M than to work on it. That ain't so. It hit a peak about 2 yrs ago when I started the dating advice stuff. I filed for D and my W agreed reluctantly.

The intense grief is subsiding and I'm rediscovering the self I left behind. With some maturity, of course. I didn't use to take this kind of c*** from people.

I don't know how strong I am. But I don't NEED my W. I guess I'll find out what I'm capable of.

Sorry I've been out of town. This thread really took off so you can see there are various opinions on the dating subject.

I don't want to date. I'd rather get myself in a better place before moving into that realm. Plus what if something miraculous were to happen and my W and I decided to reconcile? Then there could be a possibility of a third party.

All that being said, when I told my W I was interested in dating someone she really changed her stance on dating. It was almost like she saw me in a different light. Something like maybe Bart does have some value.

Ditto, Bart.
I look at it as I'm just gonna get used to my new life, Then I'm going to live my life and see who shows up.

I don't want to date. I'll have trust issues for awhile. But I need to be more social and I will be focusing on that. I have no intention of making a match with anyone, just getting out of the shell I built during the M. If something happens it won't be because I'm looking for it. But then again, I definitely wasn't looking for love when I met my W!

I am open to reconciliation but on very limited terms. No moving back, at least until I have some trust back. But I'm not counting on that or even putting much hope into it.