Thank you Andrew for stopping by I will have to read your thread to find out about your sitch but anyone who has made it to PIECING deserves a silver star in my book.
Regards, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I got the gist of what you were telling me I am pleased that you read about my sitch. Don't know that I have a great deal of patience...it always seemed as if I was just so frustrated and angry most of the time that it made me mute and I may have gone dark a few times just on instinct alone (survival mode). I know that I made quite a few mistakes though and it took this place and the DR book to get me focused.
Quote: I don't see that you have any fun things to do w/the H.
Hmmm...I've been pondering this since I read your post. H and I do a great deal of things together (probably too much if you ask him) but I'm trying to decide which ones I would term "fun". I would say that the funnest or most enjoyable thing for us is traveling. We always seem to get along better and "get into" each other more when we are exploring a new place or even visiting an old one.
Dang...let me get back to you on this pbee..I have to log off for a few.
Thanks, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Oy, I know I said I was logging off for a few...didn't intend for it to be a few DAYS Forgive me for the delay! This bug or whatever it is just will not go away...H was put on bed rest finally and given anihistimine and antibiotics, it seems that I'm pretty much stuck waiting it out Over-the-counter meds gave me hell with my seizure med, antibiotics H is on can't be taken with seizure med and I'm allergic to sulfas...tried to take the antihistimine and it made me miserable UGH!
Enough of me whining already!
Back to your question about H and I having fun together pbee. As I said before, traveling is probably the thing we enjoy doing the most together and both wish we had more time available to pursue this more often. A long trip this year is pretty much a bust since H used up most of his vacation days during the "breakdown" period. We do have a trip to Germany planned for next fall and are fervently hoping that nothing happens to preclude that.
We share many similar interests...militaria,weapons, WW2 and Korean War history,outdoor activities etc but for the most part these things have been relegated to conversation topics rather then active pursuits. We have each acknowledged this fact and are trying to change it. H and I used to go shooting at the range together all of the time. He was proud of the fact that I could handle most any weapon and shoot better then many of his soldiers and friends. I gradually stopped going with him and now only shoot on occasion. I THOUGHT that perhaps this was an activity he needed to be a "guy only" thing...I thought wrong We just bought a bunch of ammo so I plan on shooting with him more again and hopefully encourage him to do some match shooting. My thing is art and writing...I'll never forget the look on H's face the first time he actually watched me draw somthing from beginning to end, he was kind of awe-struck H also use to love the poetry I would write for him but some where along the line it seemed to me his interest in my work begin to wane and I developed a HUGE creative block. H is now showing a great deal of interest in my writing again (I have slowly started to pick it back up) and wants to read what I am writing all of the time. This seems to have stemmed from this summer when he read my journal which I had foolishly left behind on one of the occasions that I left. I think that journal also precipitated the split between H and the OW...there were too many truths in it that he had been unwilling to acknowledge beforehand and they all hit home, or so he said.
I guess this is an area that we are approaching slowly, each of us trying to show more interest in the things the other does and being more action-oriented about it.
Quote: And I had a personal question: on your first 2 Ms would you have used DB on these if you could have had the tools?
On M1, definitely not. This was a mistake from the beginning. I was too young and had latched on to the idea that I NEEDED to be married...it didn't really matter to who. At some level I have wondered if I wasn't trying to legitimize my having sex outside of marriage. I was very confused about a lot of things at that time in my life. The M only lasted 3 mos. but those 3 mos taught me that I definitely wasn't interested in spending my life with someone who had a drinking problem, fidelity issues, and who could so easily move ME to violence. I also realized that there was no real emotional involvement there for me beyond what I associated with sex. I have since worked my sex issues out but back then...ugh.
M2 was complicated. H2 was my best friend, someone I could confide in, talk to etc. His intellectual level was on par with mine and conversation was stimulating. I was in a 2-yr long R with someone else but was emotionally and intellectually starved. I wouldn't marry the person I was in the R with, I KNEW I couldn't spend my life with him, but I just couldn't seem to untangle the emotions involved. The person finally told me something that made my decision for me and H2 was there to catch me when I fell. H2 did and said all of the right things...he wooed and courted me, was my friend and confidante...I fell for it all---hook, line and sinker. Eventually H2 asked me to marry him and I said yes, after all he provided all of the things I thought I wanted...the things I then associated with LOVING someone. Once we were engaged,well,things started to change. H2's monumental jealousy began to show, a drinking problem came to the surface and he became just a tad demanding and controlling. I thought the jealousy would dissipate once we got married, the drinking problem didn't seem to be a CONSTANT thing and felt I was strong enough of mind and will to stand up to the controlling nature he started to exhibit. I was SOOOO wrong about everything!! We got married and MY life went to hell in a hand basket. H2 preyed on all of my emotional issues and fears...I had told him everything about me, kept NO secrets; he had been my best friend...he used them against me to control me beyond anything I had ever imagined possible. His jealousy knew no bounds and I was accused of sleeping with every man I even glanced at. I gained weight and started dressing to conceal myself so no one would look at me, walked with my head down...anything to deflect the jealousy. I quit socializing with our friends and anyone outside of work...this way I didn't have to deal with the rage and jealousy that occured when he drank at parties. IT just kept getting worse. H2 demeaned me in public and in private...a scene was inevitable anywhere we went and then he started to convince me that I was going crazy. He suggested that I consider commiting myself...that I was hallucinating, saying things I didn't say, hearing things I didn't hear, seeing things etc. He was superior to me in all things since obviously I wasn't in my right mind so he knew what was best. I started to believe him. I recognized that we had a lot of problems, there was a great deal of resentment going on, emotional needs not being met and or stomped on...I still tried to make the M work though, tried for 3 years. I went to a C, I told H2 I wasn't happy and that we needed help, I tried everything I could think of as well as suggestions made by others. H2 said he wasn't the problem, I was and I should get help to figure my issues out. Then H2 deployed. That was when I realized that I wasn't crazy after all, that what I had been going through was NOT acceptable on any level, that my will had been subjugated, that I had lost virtually every shred of myself to becomewhat he wanted. I no longer had his voice whispering or yelling at me constantly,telling me I was nothing, fat, ugly, insane etc. No more threats or arguments. I was free and I found that I liked it, wanted it...NEEDED it. I started to regain myself and then I decided to walk. I'm not saying I was perfect thoughout all of this...I had my faults too but I wouldn't wish the kind of mental anguish I went through on my worst enemy. Would db'ing have worked on that M??? NO! H2 would have precluded it just by his very nature and personality. To this day he feels he did nothing wrong, that it was all me and my craziness.
I'm tapped...I probably didn't need to disclose that much info but I don't know any other way to explain it. What I wrote is just the surface of that whole R. I'd be on here for days otherwise.
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Hi Talitsa...the physical altercations that occurred are somewhat open to interpretation. Now I realize that any physical form of harm is generally considered "abuse" and I don't want this to be taken as my being defensive of H2, it WAS a very physically abusive moment that closed me off to him entirely...the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. I had an extremely physically abusive childhood and what I encountered in M2 didn't hold a candle to that other then the very 1st and very last episodes. I beat myself up alot mentally for even staying in the R after the 1st episode...I should have known better You can't live in the past though, you just learn from it.
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Zoo, You have been through so much! If all that didn't happen to you on your journey then you wouldn't be who you were today but glad to see that this M is what you really want and it's getting healthier via DB. I find it interesting that your H read your journal and decided to turn himself around. To me, Aliens get in SUCH a negative mindset for various reasons and they stay in that hopeless mindset and it makes the DBing so tough. I got such a kick out of the part of your story that you talked about shooting together then you not shooting w/him so much because you thought he needed to be w/the guys. Then seeing that you got the wrong idea and now you bought the bullets. Makes me wonder if there's stuff I "missed" that we used to do or could do. Thanx. The words aren't coming today; will close for now. Glad you're on the mend. You got a heck of a bug and I'll pass the orange juice.
Okay, this is truly embarassing...CJ (my H) is working on school stuff tonight and I basically checked through all my regular threads on the BB and then realized that YOURS was the only one on piecing that I hadn't read!!!
A belated, but heartfelt WELCOME, ZOO!!!
Man, you HAVE been through the grinder.
No wonder you're fighting so hard for this M.
Yes, Piecing is no piece of cake...
Reading through your thread, I realized that I STILL don't really know what turned CJ around...I asked, but it's still fuzzy.
Not an epiphany, not an "aha moment", not anything specific I'd done or not done. I think it was like water wearing away at stone...I just kept up my changes and my PMA (as best I could...not always successful, that's for sure!), I gave him space to figure out what he wanted... I (unknowingly) gave the OW time to hang herself (he's referred to her as "psychobitch".)...
I sometimes still agonize over WHAT caused the turn around...but not as much anymore...I mean what's the point really...even HE may not be exactly sure!!!
One thing that many of us here have found helpful in staying focussed is to list three positives each day...sometimes you have to dig for them, sometimes there are too many to list.
zoo - sorry it's been so long since i returned to your thread, also sorry that you been sick, cause that is a definite downer
wow - reading what you have gone thru in your first two marriages gives me chills. after those experiences i can't even imagine having faith in marriage as a whole.
shiny nailed it when she said posting at least three positives a day helps. i don't always get to do that, but i LOOK for them daily, because by searching for them the negatives are not allowed to enter the psyche and mess us up
Quote: You have been through so much! If all that didn't happen to you on your journey then you wouldn't be who you were today
THat is the way I look at it The people who have heard my story have told me that they are amazed at the way I turned out...basically I am fairly level-headed and a pretty stable person although I do have my moments
Quote: I find it interesting that your H read your journal and decided to turn himself around. To me, Aliens get in SUCH a negative mindset for various reasons and they stay in that hopeless mindset and it makes the DBing so tough.
I have speculated on this quite a bit. The disruption in my M had actually been going on for some time...@ 2 years, maybe longer I would try to discuss the problem with H but was always shut down or told nothing was wrong with me and that he didn't know what the problem was. When I became aware that OW was probably involved and asked H about it he of course denied it. I didn't push ( I wonder constantly if I should have though ) and after a lot of soul searching decided to wait it out, hoping that eventually I would be told the truth or that he would get back in his right mind. I didn't expect things to go on as long as they did though nor did I expect things to blow up the way they did. When H first acknowledged the M problems to me he did so calmly with no nastiness involved...WE decided to try to work things out, then the next thing I knew all hell broke loose. I think OW instigated a lot of the bad stuff but then again, that is more speculation on my part. I wasn't going down without a fight though H figured I'd run (that would have been typical of me) but I refused to. Maybe that is what happened...H finally realized I was SERIOUS and wasn't going to abandon him??
I try to think about stuff that we used to do and enjoy and I think right now it isn't so much WHAT we do together but the ATTITUDE we have while we are doing it. I have regained my cockiness and H has always liked that about me. I don't go all meek and mild when he gets irritable or pissy. If H snaps at me and I feel it is unwarranted I say so ( this happened already today...lol). I don't back down anymore either. I finally realized that I was behaving much the same way as I did in M2 and was horrified by it. I make a concerted effort NOT to do so anymore but not to go too far the other way either. IT is a challenge but hopefully it will once agian become second nature for me
Been drinking orange juice by the gallon...not helping too much. Just trying to ride it out and hopefully the darn thing will go away.
~smile~ Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I am pleased that you read about my sitch. Don't know that I have a great deal of patience...it always seemed as if I was just so frustrated and angry most of the time that it made me mute and I may have gone dark a few times just on instinct alone (survival mode). I know that I made quite a few mistakes though and it took this place and the DR book to get me focused.
Over-the-counter meds gave me hell with my seizure med, antibiotics H is on can't be taken with seizure med and I'm allergic to sulfas...tried to take the antihistimine and it made me miserable 
