Seeking thanks for the insight. The in house is b/c in our area housing is so expensive. Also if kids are involved you have to wait a year before D. Separation is not regognized in our area. In house is a D but not final. Everything is done just like a D. Divide up kid visitation, money, support etc. But you live under 1 roof. Have to be out of house when schedule kids time comes. Three witnesses to us living seperate with no sex or physical contact. And the list of insanity goes on. Scheduled time with your kids inside your own house!!!! No family meals. Paying an allowence to her while she is living under the same roof.
We can't afford mortgage and apartment. I know I can't survive an in house for yr. I have lived it for 3 months now and it sucks. And none of this time counts officially towards the seperation. She won't leave nor will I.
where do you live? that sounds like HELL. you must have alot of married/half divorced/living together people killing eachother
It is the living purgatory of Marriage in VA. The punishing state for men. Live in a cluster of a life for 1 yr or you can move out and pay for everything you already do plus your own stuff. Then have it used against you in court for abandonment. Oh joy. The purpose is supposed to force the couple to go to couseling to save the marriage. Problem is the court doesn't force anyone to go to counseling. So it does no good.
Divorce lawyers and court costs here are crazy. Full out fight 85k to the sky each person. For a collaborative D it is 45 to 65k both together. Madiation is 15 k to 25 k togeher. In the later two if you cannot agree then it goes to the first choice. Court ordered at that point.
I am in need of more advise. In the many R talks my W initiated in the last 3 days two big things came out. I will hit on one that I cannot come to grips with. W said there are things she sees in my that are similar to her farther. For these reasons she knows she married the wrong person.
Her father was a drinker, physically abusive, gruff, and not really there for the family. I am none of those. I do k know based on all my reading of late that I was abusive in the sense of words. I am reading when love hurts and started on the MEVAC website. My W said it wasn't always that way. Just when she gave up and let me control her.
My W said I controlled her and she lost her identity. Stay at home mom and the all the trappings. She also said what helped he make her decision was the book the four agreements. It is what she based her decision to leave the marriage.
So my question is what can I do beyond the obvious ( doing MEVAC) to show I am not her father? Our MC (when we went) said that she needed to change that nuropathway as she created that path not me. It started when her father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It culminated with his death 3 years ago. Her sadness in missing him turned to be pissed off as he did it to himself , smoking for 40 yr. In recent months her mother saying she should have left him be was too chicken was a another factor.
Divorce lawyers and court costs here are crazy. Full out fight 85k to the sky each person. For a collaborative D it is 45 to 65k both together. Madiation is 15 k to 25 k togeher. In the later two if you cannot agree then it goes to the first choice. Court ordered at that point.
I'm sorry, but this doesn't sound right to me. Is this what your atty is telling you, or have you verified all of this independently?
2 I thought it was craziness But I got the same rough line of $$ from another lawyer. I am going to see one this Friday. All have been by phone so far.
You may want to just go passive at this point, and say something like, "I'm sorry you feel like I'm like just like your father. Obviously, I can't change who I am. If there are some behavior things I do, I'm open to changing how I relate to you. If you feel it's deeper than that, then I will grant you whatever you want. It's my preference that if you do wish to divorce we live separately..." Then wait. Don't fight for the marriage, don't tell her you'll change, don't placate her. Just be calm and let her tell you what she wants. If you try too hard to win her back, she'll see it as weakness.
See what she says. If she insists on divorce, then I'd sell the house, get agreement, in writing from her, to split the proceeds after debts, then live in rental accommodations separately. It may take a while to sell the house, but at least you'd be doing something.
I don't care, then I do, then I don't, then I do... la de da
Ss. Thanks. I have been thinking long and hard on this one. I have been leaning towards selling the house before the D while we were in Separation mode for the required 1 yr. It only seemed fair. The challenge is kids and she does not work. I have been trying to work this out so the kids are not more traumatized than needs to be. They are 5 & 9.
Right now I have the kids from 3:30 til they sleep as she is at school til 10:30 or later M - Thursday then one whole day every weekend. This will continue for the next 5 months. It has been working out that I also have the kids Friday or Saturday evening as she goes out with her other about to be D girlfriend. So the next day she is a waste product and sleeping or dragging all day. So that day also works out to be mine. So in reality I have the kids 6 days a week. She makes the lunch and puts them on the bus and gets them off the bus. That's about it. She has given up on all the rest of the chores. Sorry I got into the weeds.
Just venting... So how can someone say they can't compete against fun dad. B/c we played laser tag weeks ago or go out to dinner once a week or go bike riding. The complaint then becomes the kids are not doing their chores. W has had to make the kids beds. Doesn't make her own just shuts the door to her bedroom. There are papers all over the dinning room table and the grass needs to be cut. So how can I keep having fun all week with the kids and she is left having to clean up the big mess we left and she has to vac the house as well. Then says she has so little time with them to enjoy them. She spends it cleaning up after fun dad's week.
Within 1 hr of this conversation I have W saying she wants to go over friends house to cheer her up. Says she will go over after kids are in bed. Couple hours pass and we are getting into movie and W gets up. Packs a small bag and says she is going to friends house. Son melts down saying her never gets time with mom any more and he just loves her. 15 minutes pass and the boy is still torn up. W says she will cancel with GF. Says son can stay in her bed tonight. Boy calms down. She then leaves anyway. Boy is broken up again. Finally falls asleep.
Who does this? Blows off child to go out? Gives up quality time on a weekend in the middle of a movie? I just wanted to puke. I was so disgusted with that person I had to leave the room. I could not believe what I was hearing and seeing. She was just complaining about no time with kids. Trying to compete against "fun dad". She had her chance. All snuggled up with the kids on the couch. Both kids all to herself. She just litterally walked away from it to go and have her own fun. Of course the rest of the story is karma terrific.
W gets home at 2:45 AM according to her admission to kids at breakfast. S gets up while sleeping in her bed at 6:30AM. So W is dragging a$$. We get rolling for the day and go outside to leave and the car that W parked the night before is unbelievably poorly parked. To the point of kids noticing and commenting. We can barely get car out of our garage past the park job. Mom can you move the other car so we can get out of the garage.
All the while I am thinking ...What a joke! This person was so drunk she couldn't park the car. If she wasn't drunk then I am not sure how it was so poorly parked. What do you do with this sitch?
I don't know. I guess, all you can do is be the better person. It's thankless, and you'll never get credit for it from her or your kids, but by being the better person you set an example for your kids, and you act in a loving, responsible way. By being a stand up, capable, good parent, you're a hero to me. But it's sure damn hard sometimes.
You have to know that spending time at the "friends" house, is just bs code for time with the OM. Sorry to say it.
You may want to insist on some personal time. Whether she's hung over or not, you have a right to some recharge time.
I wish I had better advice. You seem like a really good dad, and solid guy. Life gets better. Just hang in there and do the best you can.
I don't care, then I do, then I don't, then I do... la de da
