Ok, Now a velvet Elvis. Now we are talking! As an aside when my W and I moved into our first "old" house (circa 1921) we bought it with a full attic. One of the items that we uncovered was a velvet Elvis. I still have it today :-) However, it is not on a wall.
Greek, I will be that polished person. And I will make sure it is because I want to be it not for her (I have some work to do on that, but am close to getting there!)
FB...... my arch nemisis. I have considered deactivating. Problem being that I do have friends around the country that use it and its how I keep up with their familes (note - families. Their Ws havent left them....)
So one thought is to deactivate that account with her and reactivate under another name. But... Perhaps the best way is to just grow a set and not worry about the man with NO life. Because I do have a life. I am in control of what I do not her. At least I never got into twittering or myspace......
I neeed to think about your idea some more.......
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
I am being inspired by this as well. I had a oil painting of two soccer players colliding under a rainy moonlit sky above the mantle when W and I got married. That was one of the first things replaced after she moved in. I think I will be putting it back up ;-) Thank you Greek.
Perhaps the kids will provide a good gateway for conversation.
Don't mean to burst your bubble, but I think the boys may ruin your little family get-together Thursday b/c this is too soon for them. These kids are devastated. Your oldest boy is angry and blaming you. Then, he shows how insecure he feels right now by sleeping close to the parent that he has left in the home. And the youngest....oh that breaks my heart and I can't imagine what it is doing to you. I'm sure that both you & your W wanted this evening to be a time to assure the kids that both of you are still there for them.....but somehow I kind of doubt things will go the way you hope.
I don't know these kids, of course, but somehow I can't see them sitting around the table acting all nicey-nice without bringing up the D-- and at least one of them asking his mom about coming home. Don't you know they are going to ask questions or (if you warn them not to ask any or talk about the MR) then they will sit there all clamed up? Have you thought about how to handle that? I suspect there may be several akward moments! If one of the kids don't jump up and leave the table....you'll be lucky.
The only time I think parents should do something this "intimate" as a family would be if they were reconciling. You & W see it as trying to keep some type of "united front" for the boys, but I think they will see it as fake as a plug nickle....or get their hopes sky high.
The two of you are not doing any favors for the kids....or each other. It will be more like pouring salt into a open wouund when they think how it "used" to be this way.....but no longer. Why would you want to use visual aids to remind them of what home use to be like?
I'm afraid that you will be sorry for doing this, but I doubt your W is going to continue on these Thrus. night family times b/c her guilt won't be able to handle it.
She is not what you see as being "cold" to her children. So many LBH's say that about their WAW. They are really "cole" to anyone but their H.....their kids...they are just fogged out and being weird. I told you this was not the same woman you've always known. Don't expect her to act like she used to. Her brain is too fogged up right now....it isn't cold...it simply is not fuctioning properly. She is so out of touch with reality at this time that I'm sure she does come across as being cold to the boys. A lot of her actions is strickly out of guilt and her inability to deal with it. She can't deal with her son crying and begging her to come home, so in her response to him....I am sure she seems like the Ice Queen.
Good news about your baptizing! Do the boys know? If so, then they will probably tell their mom before you get a chance....unless they don't see that as being exciting. Do they go to church? I would tell your W, face to face, b/c it is important that she see your eyes when you tell this. She needs to see how important this step is for "you" and that you are serious about it.....so don't choose this particular time to keep things "light". Keep it short and don't get into a spin-off to a R talk. Just tell her that you have made a very important decision and you didn't want her to hear it from somebody else (she'll appreciate that). Then tell her what you are going to do, the date & time. Be honest and tell her that you didn't want her to think it was done for any reasons other than your own spiritual decision/obedience. Tell her that you want her to know she has an invitation to be there, but don't want her to feel obligated.
I feel that these particular things are those cases that it is better to tell her and risk her "wondering" about your intentions....rather than her hearing it from another person. That she would not appreciate! And then she would throw it in your face that you must not want her to go since you didn't even tell her. So in the long run....it's better to tell her of your baptizing.
Talk later.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, your adivce is excellent and well taken. Especially the part about telling her of the Baptism. I don't have a date yet, our church has to schedule it, should I wait to tell her? It may be two or three months before they can get me in. We attend one of those rather LARGE churches...
The boys don't know yet, but they will. I want them to take note of how important this is to me and hopefully they will see how important religion should be to them. Over the last four months, as I have been working through this with myself, I have seen some very positive changes in their behaviour towards attending church. They used to have to be literally dragged there, now they are more receptive. My goal is to get them to want to be there and begin their own spiritual growth - something that really never happend for me. I want them to get a head start.
I will let you know how Thursday goes. I am worried as well about the effects. But, If it doesnt work, then we will scratch it and move on.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
Shell, what you said about wanting your sons to have spiritual growth is great. You know...I was the type parent that always "talked" too much. Know what I mean? I have since learned that "showing" is much more important and just b/c the kids are not as small as they use to be....they will still try to be like daddy. You have such a great opportunity to introduce a whole new life to your children. As you find the right "times", you can talk to them. But, I talked an entire sermon to mine.....and that didn't go over big. So, I suggest that you pick the right timing and say what you feel would be a growing tool for them. When you decide to tell your boys about your decision to be baptized, that could be a special time to talk about spiritual matters. (But, I would make sure that there were no cells, TV, or other distractions.)
If I were you, I would tell your W before telling the boys or any other family memebers. That shows honor to her and it will (should) mean a lot that you chose her first--to give this special news. She knows that you certainly didn't have to tell her before anyone else, but you "chose" to do that. You know not to get all mushy or try to work on her emotions....or to take advantage and pursue with this new....you're just telling her something, and that's all.
Since you have time.....you can wait until you feel is the perfect timing and then tell her that you've made a personal decision that you wanted to tell her about. Then you can tell her that you are going to be baptized. Wait and give her a moment for the news to soak in.......and for you to see what her reaction is. If she asks any details, then you can tell her that the Church will have to set a date. See if she will ask you to let her know when it will be. If she does....that may be a good sign or it could be her way of finding something to say back to you. But don't allow her reaction to phase you one way or another. If she seems receptive to your news, I think you'll be able to determine how much to say. If she happens to not show any reaction, then I'd not tell her anymore than you were going to be baptized.
If she reacts in a positive manner, then when you are given a date for the baptizing...that will be something to share with her at an appropriate time. Bear in mind that a WAW carries around a lot of guilt, so be flexable to any kind of response from her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Shell-my W was on FB all of the time. I hated seeing how she was reaching for everyone else but running from me. She was nice and fun with them but a real +*#/-% to me.
I started using it a little but was sure not to spend too much time obcessing on her page.
Once I was on there and getting more interest on my page than she was on hers she seemed to lose interest in it. I think I took the fun out of it for her.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
EB,thats interesting.How did she know you had more stuff going on on your page?
Well tonight is the first change off night. Not really fearing it all. Infact, after adopting the motto "If you have no expectations, you can't lose" I feel much better. I am going for complete neutrality this evening. No R discussion, No D discussion, just surface conversation. That is the goal. No asking about her week, no asking where shes been, no asking who shes been with. We can talk about the weather and the kids and whatever show happens to be on TV. If she asks where I am traveling for work I will tell her, otherwise Neutral, neutral, neutral.
Sandi, I did speak with both the boys about tonight, only to ask if the had any expectations. I did not ask them to clam up or to run from the table screaming no "D." Both seemed OK. However, proof will be in the pudding and it may take a few days for any concerns of theirs to surface.
S(10) did mention that he wanted to talk to the counselor at school, but did not feel comfortable with it, so I will reach out to her and see how we can make that work.
Other than that, let's see how tonight goes. I got a new haircut, good looking shirt and pants (not overdoing it.) Just begining to show a new me with much PMA.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
Well, made it through the night. It wasnt perfect, I rate it a c+ or so, but it wasn't aweful. Stayed away from the d discussion, but the R discussion did come up. Wasn't good, wasn't bad, only lasted about 10 minutes. (sounds like something i havent seen in a long while lol) The gist was that she is begining to unwind and the tension is starting to lesson. Now, she says the wants to take it day by day and see how things go. Maybe try to regain our friendship and then maybe date eachother again. If I were a betting man, I would not take that bet yet. She is going to need time to really come to any conclusion like that. Who knows where I will be then. There were certianly some feelings still there from my side, but emotionally much more under control. Although i was not for this seperation, maybe it will end up doing us both good. Maybe not. Remains to be seen. I am prepared for the worst.
I read nothing into the following, only note it. Now its been several days since I have seen her, but for the last week or two, she has not been wearing a wedding band. Yesterday she shows up to my sons school with the whole engagement ring and band on. Now, the school knows we are seperated, so a little strange. she had nothing to hide. I have refused to take mine off, but that is only a new personal preference. In the past my W did not seem to mind that i did not wear one (woodworking, swimming, many outdoor hobbies) so I wore it when I traveled (all the time) but not at home.
Anyway i read nothing into it.
Did note that today she complained that her finances are "screwed" With help from GIMA, I did not respond to that message, but did wonder if she was starting to get a tiny inkling of what this will really be like.
Ahhhh, probably not. the life of a WAW.
In the mountains for a weekend away. Hope to hike tomorrow if it doesnt rain, if not, on to a bar to watch some great football. Wishing my Ss were here with me, but maybe next time.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
In the mountains for a weekend away. Hope to hike tomorrow if it doesnt rain, if not, on to a bar to watch some great football. Wishing my Ss were here with me, but maybe next time.
IMHO, you should take a poncho and hike in the rain, it can be a great experience. I always feel most connected to nature in the rain.
