In the past I would always tell her "we don't need this" and "we don't need that." She felt nothing ever was accomplished. Her LL is def acts of service. I'm trying to fill her tank. Instead of saying no all the time I'm trying to really listen and deliver. If i didn't do anything for her because i thought she was just going to divorce me anyway. Imo that would prove I don't Love her regardless of what she thinks. I will admit I'm a no man and not a yes man, but I expect everyone else to say yes to me. Now that I don't get that anymore I realize how I never listened, acted upon, and deliver as often as I could. On the other hand If I don't want to do something I should speak up and voice my opinion in a caring and loving way. It just seemed to come from a place of selfishness when i would do this in the past.
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
So then work on making sure it's not coming from a place of selfishness.
Look, I'm not opposed to you doing things, but I'd prefer to see YOU lead with it, and PROACTIVELY decide to do something that you think would speak to her LL, if that's the way you want to go. Again, personally, I have never seen someone "win them over" back to a marriage when the other person is actively involved in an affair, but if you are going to do it, just do it proactively.
But I mainly brought it up because you seemed to indicate that you:
a) couldn't afford it;
b) had other higher priorities; and
c) didn't seem to be content with your decision.
I will admit that it's far more difficult to figure out what your DBing style should be when your past history has been one of legitimate "controlling" behavior. (I emphasize "legitimate" because "YOU ARE CONTROLLING!" is often gaslighting b.s. on the part of a wayward spouse, and really means more like "I resent you not letting me conduct my affair, unencumbered!") If your past style has been overly pleasing/accommodating/supplicating/"Mr. Nice Guy" then this is a far easier decision: do the "180" that would be represented by taking a strong stand.
However, if your past interpersonal style with her HAS truly been domineering, controlling, dismissive, etc., than you do have to figure out ways to show her that other side of you, while not being a doormat. I would still maintain that she's going to be largely blocked to any attempt to receive that, as long as she's in another relationship, but if nothing else you still have to do it because ... guess what ... it's The Right Thing to Do."
The biggest problem I have is I don't know if she is in an active affair. If I knew for sure I would take a tuff love approach. My wrong and her wrong don't make right.
Your correct no easy answers. When I did speak up last friday she told me to just give her a divorce and thats its not fair for her to do it. I just don't know what to do.
But she sleeps in the same bed and still talks to me about her day, the kids, and what she would like to get done around the house. Could all that be gas lighting behavior?
Thanks
JJ
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
If knowing would change your approach, then I would suggest you find out definitively. If you DON'T think it would change your approach one way or another, then maybe you don't.
I would like to know if my wife was in an affair. I just don't want to just do more of the same controlling behavior. I just wish I knew what to do.
JJ
Your second sentence should have nothing to do with the first. It's not "controlling" to determine if there is a predator threatening your family; in fact, it's your OBLIGATION to. Your fear of the second thing is precluding you from finding out definitively the first thing.
#2 she has been staying out this late for a couple oy years 2-4 times a month. All GF's are police so they work second or third shift.
#3 its a bachlorette that I can confirm.
#4 Totally pissed me off and I let her know it. Her denial spoke loudly to me.
I've found a gps logger for under $200. So I should be able to find some closure shortly. Thanks everyone for your help. It would be nice to have some closure.
As for the Plan: Tuff Love, Gucci, Puppy, and Steve McQueen style. Hope for the best but plan for the worst.
JJ
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
