I am not sure of much anymore. So here is what I need some expert advice on…..I think my W is having an affair. W’s behavior is similar to what I saw and how she acted during her EA earlier in the year with a married man. Family comes second. She doesn’t realize that is how she is behaving until the kids or I bring to her attention like... Being gone for 9 hours on a weekend day for studying and leaving kids and us hanging not knowing when she is planning to come home. When we do something without her she is mad at me. No longer going to church with family. Doing her own laundry and no one else’s. Cant empty dishwasher, put away laundry for kids and too many other things to mention.
Sorry, back to the point. My W has been carpooling to school with a classmate. I posted some detail in previous posts. She would not introduce him to me. She did introduce him to kids and mother. She had him load in the car or she loaded in the car away from all of us at home. It came to a head when looking for my W and kids I found her at friends house and OM there waiting. Still having not met him I confronted her and said I am not OK with "boy" "friend" being somewhere with my W and kids and me not knowing. After this meeting he was scared of me and how abusive I was to him and her when I found them. What happened was I shook his hand and moved away from his car and said rather loudly (with no swearing) a quick sentence using the words boy and friend.
After the discovery, we had a long drawn out conversation on the phone. Many things were said in her explanation for this sitch. Her main reason she came to was she was not thinking of me when she was arranging the "pick-up" and she was sorry. Another excuse given was he was living with girl friend and they are getting married in March. So he is not BF. I want so badly to ask her what the OM fiancée’s name is and when the wedding date is in March. I don’t think he is engaged or getting married or living with “his” girlfriend. Also she was not interested in him and he is not interested in her that way. We finished the call with what I thought was an agreement of no more car polling with OM.
Well kid and I go out for pizza this week and find my W's car in parking lot on school day. Tell W I am not cool with her doing this and it seems that she is deceiving in her hiding of this sitch. W says it wasn’t deceptive. She just didn’t tell me about it as it might upset me if she did. She went on to say it is saving me money. It then escalated from there to our sitch and each of us asking the other to leave the house. She got mad and said she deserved this schooling as it is due to her for taking care of “MY” kids for the last 9 years as a stay at home mom. Found this a very odd comment.
W now wants to discuss how she can get back to car pooling as it is so hard for her to drive by herself. And how long it is to drive there. All of which makes no sense as it is still the same distance when she drives and not him. She knew this up front when signing up for school so I am still stumped on this excuse for carpooling. She wants to couple this discussion with separation talk as we have a disagreement on how much I get to see the kids when it all hits the fan.
There is so much more that I want to write but this is good enough for now.
It's impossible to know for sure without proof - either a detective, or cracking into her email account, but your gut is a good indicator. Either way, she isn't interested in acting in a way that provides safety for you, so it's a big red flag.
If you want to know for sure, install a keylogger on her computer. If she's in an A, she no doubt has a secret email account and you'll get your answer.
Do you guys live together? I couldn't tell from your post your sitch.
I don't care, then I do, then I don't, then I do... la de da
From what you describe, it certainly sounds like at least an EA with this guy (and I'm thinking "just" an EA). She sure has the sense of strong ENTITLEMENT that usually accompanies affairs.
seeking...thanks. I did the software nothing before and found the EA in March. Lawyer said it is illegal so I removed it. All her interaction is now on a cell blackberry. We do live together and have two kids 5 & 9.
Her lies are catching up to her so now she is getting nasty. Doing nasty things and trying to provoke me to argue or fight. That has been the balance of this day so far. I finished laundry and found shirt that is not mine. How much fun is that?????
She cant do a damn thing around the house and now I am doing OM laundry. Sorry i had to vent. It is like terrets but for typing.
She had secret email accounts before. I found all of them. The problem is I just want the monkeys to stop. But this problem that I have (that used to be my wife) just wont go away. It is like a bad stomach flue...you feel like crap and then just when you think it cant get worse it does.
puppy...thanks for stopping by my thread. I was just seeking input so i know it isnt just my imagination. Kids are 5 & 9. W is lost and at this point I wish the nightmare could end tomorrow. But as we all know from all the board posts...it will drag on and for me in my state it will last another 14 months.
I dont know how people on this board put up with cheating spouses while living in the same house. She is 100% dependent on me and she is taking advantage of the situation. I want to move to vegas so we can get divorced in 60 days. I am serious.
The kids are what keeps me going. Unfortunately she knows it and she has gone to great lengths to do mean things this week since I found her secret out. She even said now I will be using my taking care of the kids while she is at school against her to prove she is an unfit mom.
Whatever you do, don't do anything out of spite or anger. Don't make any plans involving D or separation in an emotional state. Don't tell her any of these plans.
Don't stand for deception or cheating. You have a right to know if this OM is more than a friend. You have a right to voice concerns considering the past and her behavior lately. It does seem that you may be overreacting slightly. Slightly.
Also realize that your W is a person, not property. She can do whatever she likes. However, in a M there should be a reasonable amount of transparency and you should ask for that.
And don't pretend you're a peach, either. Is laundry really the problem? She seems disconnected and how much work she does around the house is a symptom, not the real issue. Are either or both of you in C?
That's probably a good place to start for yourself or together. Overall, you need to calm down and avoid emotional confrontation for now. It won't do any good.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Also realize that your W is a person, not property. She can do whatever she likes. However, in a M there should be a reasonable amount of transparency and you should ask for that.
Respectfully, I disagree with this. If she wants to be with another man then she can leave the marriage. Marriage is a contract and while she's not property, there is a way to end things honorably. Problem is she's so lost right now she won't hear you. You can shake her up by giving her an ultimatum: him or me, but you need to be prepared to act on it. That will mean separation if she won't comply (ie. unfettered access to the blackberry, no contact with the OM and a written no contact letter, disclosure of all details, marriage counseling).
As for the illegality of spying, I think that's the least of your problems. I'd spy. You have a right to the truth.
The DB approach to toughing it out seems a bit unreasonably to me. When I discovered my ex's A, I immediately triggered separation. In retrospect, I should have calmly stated that she needs to be married or leave and given her the option. (It wouldn't have made a difference.)
Even if she agrees to stay, expect that it will take a few months of lying, broken no-contact, etc to really take. If she leaves, expect a massive amount of bullshit, "we're just friends", etc. That's when you really need to pull out the DBers stuff as stay silent, strong, do a 180, etc.
It doesn't sound like she'll stay, though. Hopefully I'm wrong. Sorry bud, it [censored] sucks. You're in for a tough ride.
I don't care, then I do, then I don't, then I do... la de da
Your anger is understandable, but it is clouding your decisions. 60 day divorce - do you really want that - really??!!
You are wasting your energy on things that you can not effect directly. Nothing you will do or say to your wife will make a blind bit of difference - if you bring it up first.
You need to 'find' yourself first. Accept your anger - you are allowed to be angry, but do not be angry to your wife and not show it to the kids. By accepting your anger you begin to accept the sitch. This allows you to become calmer.
You are still angry, numb, upset, having swinging moods and moments of doubt...... but try, and try, and try to accept these feelings. They are natural - for heavens sake you have just been rejected and replaced.
Now a feeling of calm
You won't like it, but you are in a place where you are not in control. You are in limbo.
This may be a tough thing to read , but tough !
You need to accept that you were not in full control of your M, that you did not see everything correctly, that you knew what was best........that your wife had a different opinion to you and that even though she never told you directly, you did not meet her needs, that you have failings, and you did not understand her side of your R talks.
Empty your mind - don't try to hear what you want to hear.
Release your anger - it will not help.
look for the lies, and accept her character has changed. Accept that she has changed - for the bad. Her mind is clouded. You need to be the rock in her life.
Only once you accept that you are now not her priority, that she will discard your advice b/c it comes from your lips, and that you are part of the problem. Only then will you see with a clarity that what is escaping you at the moment.
How you can not affect her thinking.
decide upon your escape plan. Decide upon how long you can take this for and multiply it by 10. Don't listen to family - they want to reduce your pain, not fix your M.
But most of all..... most of all......... listen to your wife WITH AN EMPTY MIND.
Regards, Gyn
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
I finished laundry and found shirt that is not mine. How much fun is that?????
She cant do a damn thing around the house and now I am doing OM laundry.
You can't be sure who's shirt that is, can you? Maybe it's her brother's or father's or something?
If it were me, and I KNEW FOR A FACT who's it was, I damned sure wouldn't launder it! I would leave it in the dirty clothes hamper or basket, and if she asked me about it, I'd simply say "I'm not sure who's shirt that is, but I'm not a laundry service. I'm happy to do the laundry for my family, but that's it."
