Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Question about wife dating.

No.

I think she just used her women's intuition. D20 grilled me, and all I said was "I'm meeting some friends from work." When both she and wife asked me where I was, I told them honestly, but never said who I was with. I had my ring off (we both did at that time, but mine was only off much more recently. We both wear them again now). I had colored my hair.

I think she just did the math.

So long as you're operating from a basis of fear, you'll never accomplish what you want to accomplish vis-a-vis boundary-setting.

Puppy

I'm trying not to operate from fear. I don't know what the game plan is though.

I'm not bring it up but if she does I will answer honestly. Probably too honestly.

I don't want one. I truly feel its the wrong way to go right now. It may be right at some time in the future. I won't bend. I regret agreeing to the separation, leaving my w and d's. She wants me to sign papers to take me off the lease. WTH can I do? Visiting the apt now and watching w in pain from medical stuff.

I should pretend I'm fine with it. I'm showing my best side and avoiding r talk as it makes us both upset. Being appreciative and affectionate and all the stuff I should have been and hoping it will eventually register. What more? Can't be the tough guy because that's what helped put me in this sitch.

W is still distant but let's me be comforting. That is a small step...

She has lost all attraction towards you, how else would you explain her wanting to date other men, she isn't attracted to you anymore. You may not communicate the same way to her that you do to us but I'm sure your body language communicates fear, submissive attitude, weakness, insecurity, clinginess, etc.

Don't mistake my post as an attack on you, it's a first impression based on how you communicate to us and I have to think it can't be that far off from how you communicate to her verbally & physically.

Is she being sensitive towards you?
Is she caring, compassionate, loving, nurturing, etc.
But you think being those ways with her will bring you back after you have killed all the attraction between the two of you, where is the logic in that thinking?

Things get complicated when you make them complicated.
When she starts dating other men, you will be an afterthought in her mind unless of course she uses you in conversations with another man, ie. "my previous husband was a jerk, etc."

A confident attitude is exactly what I'm telling you to have, you sounded weak & insecure when you said you didn't want to talk to her for fear of her going through with the divorce. You have to assume it's already over and start detaching, until you do that, these weak insecure feelings will be with you and you will communicate them verbally and non-verbally (ie body language).

You need to give yourself a break, maybe no contact with the wife for 30 days.

You're right. I am afraid to disengage completely. We both get sucked back into each other. I don't buy no attraction. I think she's pushing it down or confusing it for being intimidated by me. She told me I make her "feel small." I've been an overbearing jerk. I'm straddling a fine line. NC is hard because of kids.

MA,
If then do you thinkis attractive?

MA, on your other thread you seemed very anxious to date. You were asking at what point you could begin other relationships and had placed your profile on a dating site. But when you discovered "her" profile, things quickly changed. You took your profile off and now you are trying to control her from dating anyone. Don't you find that ironic?

The two of you have certainly had your ups & downs with M & D. What did you do the first time the two of you D to get her to marry you the second time around?

No. That's what I'm consciously trying not to be. There's attraction in her, but you're right it's based on old feelings that she's trying to suppress.

I make a big effort not to show fear when I'm talking to her. Today was a good day as far as being there and supporting her during a tough time. This is my outlet for fear and panic. Granted, I'm sure it shows to a degree but I can only fake it until I feel it. I'm working on that. I used to have a lot of spunk and that got watered down the last few years. The breakup has hit me hard and I realize I have to get back to that tough inner me. I just don't feel it. But I'll get there.

Attraction has to come from real things. It's a struggle to get back to the real me and all I can do is act the part.

I avoided the question of signing off on the lease. Bad move, I know. Just sign it. I did get the rings back from her. Mine is tattooed on. It was even harder leaving today than before. But I got my dog and the Ds are over fore the weekend.

Left her a thank you card. Nothing sweet. Just a short thank you and an affirmation. a 180 in the sense that I never do things like that EVER and it's short (I'm usually a bit verbose).

A big reason I "fear" D, R or dating talk is that I know she will run in the other direction.

I certainly was into the idea of new women during my own MLC. But I realize that was fantasy-land. I wouldn't have been happy.

After the first D I confessed I wanted stability and someone who I trust. Then there was another breakup and I begged and promised my way back and things were great for awhile. Then another breakup where I was kicked out and she felt guilty and asked me back. I went into a major depression (and a bit of my MLC returned) and we agreed to the separation. She went into her own MLC and wants a life w/out me.

Typical WAW stuff, almost scripted. She was a punkrock kid and she's reverting to that, looking up old friends (a few old crushes, too), going out and listening to really bad music (keeping my mouth shut, a BIG 180).