Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Newbie.....dealing with a MLC'er....

Drew,

I read this last night, but didn't get a chance to respond.....

40....very powerful piece of knowledge laid out there....

And, spot on girl

Print out 40's reply and read it when you feel that way Drew....

Thank you for explaining that to me. So, besides GAL, what else should I be doing to show her support even though our communication is at a minimum?

Show her support?

You don't need to right now..not being flippant. I just want to dissuade you of the notion she will care. Not now but perhaps later.

Allow her this time, it pays dividends later.

Your doing pretty good, good grasp, be a great dad...strive to be better than great.

I do have two questions for you.

First, most important, is your name on your son's birth certificate? As long as it is, then while it pays to be concerned about her actions, you do not need to be paranoid.
And in this case...paranoia is nothing more than a heightened sense of awareness.

Second,
What are you working on improving in yourself?
No offense, I am sure you're a great guy and catch, but if you take a really hard look at yourself and your impact on your marriage, what could you have done better, what are you not proud of?

Fix that sh it in yourself, see the need to address it and fix it. Let it be for real let it be real change.

She comes around and sees that in you, you look even better.


My personal thoughts about the POS OM. (piece of sh it) (other man).

In my case, my wife needed to 'fix' somthing/someone since she couldn't 'fix' herself, she tried to 'fix' this guy. Anti-social, depressed, stalker, loser. The only one who truely understood her...go figure. ; ).

Do not let Amy40's number of posts fool you into thinking she is a newbie. Her insights come from experience you never want to live through.

can someone point me to info on "the 6 stages of MLC"? Have searched for it, but can't seem to find it.

TIA-
Arwen

Arwen,

Here you go:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

thanks so much! been looking for that forever...

Drew

You got Amy and Jack on your side. Jack noted Amy's current name tag doesn't reflect her history of posts or people she has helped. Nor can you guess her experience with the "other side". (Wasn't sure about the new name Amy but glad to see you helping. Hope your situation is good and growing.) Jack knows the other side up close and does a great job of nailing things down.

Take deep breaths, hang on, and get comfortable with the roller coaster from Hel!. You will leave here better than you arrived but how well is up to you, not the MLCer.

One thing a lot of people think they did wrong was poor communication with the partner. Ok, that is often true. It is often true with a lot of partners that aren't MLC or divided.

You're doing a lot of things right already. The gym. You eat. You rest. Your son. What do you read? Thinking about improving communication style can only help in the future. Mars ~ Venus books hold the attention and entertain as communication between the sexes is explored. Other people might list other good reads.

There's an out of print book by Peter O'Conner - "Understanding the Mid-Life Crisis"(sometimes at Amazon). It's less amusing than Mars-Venus stuff but shows you her MLC journey began in formative years.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is almost pocket sized and great for people just seeking growth. Jack has suggested people also read stuff unrelated to your problem. A good idea.

Reading is just something that many explore In The Mean Time. That's where you are. "In The Meantime – Finding yourself and the love you want" – by Vanzant can be a painful read. Not cuz it's technical, but because it tells the reader in a life crisis to "just go for it!" This is what some therapists would tell your lady to do. It's the only way for her to confront her stuff once and for all. Coaching her into avoiding it will only delay MLC and bring it back later, bigger, meaner, and stronger.

You weren't going to avoid this for her. You couldn't. She couldn't. She may not survive it. You will. It has been chasing her a long time. The most important thing is that you learn to avoid being the path of destruction.

You didn't mention her dad. We can usually speculate within inches, but tell us more.

Jack,

I appreciate the advice. Thanks for telling it like it is. I have given her plenty of space over the past few months. Also, I am doing everything possible to be the best father for my child.

This is the reason why I joined. I want to hear both sides of the argument. I know I wasn't the best person, but I know I am no where near being the worst. That's why I am improving myself for the better. It's frustrating knowing that she is not around to see the improvements I made over the past 5-6 months.

I wasn't proud of the ways in which I would withdrawal from her and my son at times. I would just keep to myself and mind my own business. I guess I came off as someone who did not care. But, at times, I felt like I was always held to a different standard. I communicated my feelings to her. She was not good at that all. I felt like I had to pry her complaints out of her mouth. Maybe, she was just used to holding in all of her emotions.

The thing that hurts is that she always told me I was the best thing that happened to her. She always wondered why I always took care of her and valued her opinions. That's the frustrating part. From everything being wonderful to the bomb.

I am trying make the proper changes. Not only for myself, but for my son. I look forward to being with him everyday. I just wish that I could take him everywhere I go. I know he wants to be with me also.

As for the OM, i don't think about it at all. I was just surprised that she decided to leave us for him. Not exactly what I had pictured, but I guess he makes her "happy".

The Six Stages

It must be noted that Hearts Blessing wrote something intended to give a glimpse of her experience in her situation with her MLCer. It closely mirrors the Five Stages of Grief material by Kubler-Ross. Consider that the MLCer is greiving their percieved loss of youth. They want a Do-Over in life. They feel as if their very survival depends on a desparate attempt at this. Not because of what you did wrong, so much as what they believe to have been wrong in their life for a very long time.

But please, and we can't stress this enough ... don't read the Six Stages as a literal timeline. Don't gauge your situation in those terms of time. No two situations are the same. I can't count the times I have seen that reminder here, or the times people have been hurt trying to guess a timeline for themselves.

Hey Was,

Thank you for the reading material. I visited the local bookstore a few weeks back and did not find much information. I will gladly look for these books online.

As for her family situation, dysfunctional at its best. She did not talk much about her father. I think her father and mother split when she was young. Plus, her step-father really did not care much either. That is why her mother's death 14 years ago was so devastating to her well being.

She did not talk much about her mother. The only times she brought her up was when the date of her death approached. Also, she never wanted to visit her mother's grave with me. That's when I realized how tough things were for her.

The only person she contacts is her sister. Most of the time, it is her sister that contacts her. I bet they talk 3-4 times a year.

What I found quite interesting is that she had not taken our son to visit her family for more than a year. I found that to be quite peculiar.