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You have to let it roll off your back. I bet when she realizes she can't get a rise out of you with these types of comments, she will stop her comments.

It sounds like your ex is a pretty unhappy person. If she doesn't like herself, it is common for a person like that to want to pull others around them down to their level rather than them work on pulling themselves up to your's.

Read other posts on these boards. You will find striking similarities to yours.

Yeah. I am sure she is not so happy with moving back in with her mom. Her father passed a couple of years ago and she made it a point to let me know that her "dad said that i thought my [censored] did not stink". I was thinking why would you even tell someone that. Def to bring them down.

Trying to let it roll. She has to run out of the comments after a while you think?

Again I am so baffled as to why someone would want to continue being like this versus just trying to get along. And she continues to tell me that I am negative, a bad person, not sincere, etc.

I have been reading the posts, but have not seen a lot of comments to that effect. I will keep looking. While I would not wish it on anyone else, it helps me to think I am not the only one in a situation like this.

Thanks again for all your guidance GIMA!!!

She is unhappy with herself. She can't love anyone else if she doesn't love herself. So, she makes negative comments. And, she tries bringing people down to her level.



When I first came here, actually before coming here, I felt very alone and believed my situation was unique. No one has gone through what I am going through right now, not like I am going through it. But after reading a lot of posts here, I quickly realized while this situation was unique to ME, there were MANY others going through the same thing I was. I was not happy to be going through it, but there was comfort knowing I was not alone.

And neither are you.

You may be able to salvage your relationship. You may not. What you can do is make yourself a person only someone who is nuts would leave.

So you think that is part of it, that she is so unhappy with herself that she wants to bring me down too. Esp since she feels like I probably caused her to be in the situation she is in.

I do need to keep working on myself and not try to engage her in conversations at all. Any suggestons on improving the self confidence? I am sure no matter how SC I feel I probably need to "display" lots of it when I am around her huh? How should I act? What do you say?

What kind of things have you heard WASs saying and is there an average time it might take them to recover? I am sure it varys, but just curious.

Thanks for lending an ear and providing the guidance GIMA!

About to go and pick up my D. Looking for sources of strength when I am around the X. I guess I just need to go and not even attempt to discuss much of anything with her. Just pick up my D and go. Hope someone out there has some additional direction on how to handle these situations. I think I am doing right, but who knows.

Any help is much appreciated!! Maybe some female perspective would be great as well...

If she isn't herself and has no idea what she's saying, then how are you going to find logic in it? Hopefully others with first hand experience will chime in here but I think you have to let it go in one ear and out the other. Shrug it off and accept that it's coming from an alien. Things will get better

Female perspective coming up!

For what it's worth (and I am no expert) it sounds like you need to start throwing out some 180's now. Have you read about 180's? If not, there is a forum on the home page so go check it out.

I would go pick up daughter, smile, be confident, short, blunt in any conversation and be totally mysterious about the 'new you'. Make sure that you are dressed really well and looking hot! Greet D, say to W "will get D back by xxx time" and then leave, without looking back.

When you take D back, give her a kiss, tell her that you love her - and make sure that W hears (bad people don't do things like that)! Don't engage in any conversation with W at that time ... just say "thanks for letting me take D, we had a great time! Bye then" and smile as you walk away. Do not look back.

I can't speak for others but I find it useful to cut and paste quotes for myself as I read through the threads. Here are some that I have picked out lately - see if you can relate or use any of them in your own situation - and good luck!

WAS is viewing through the lense of someone who has already decided to leave and is looking for evidence to back that decision up. WAS only sees the bad right now.

When you have interaction with your S, be interested, but don't pursue.

Know that it is a long row to hoe.

Detach, until S feels you are gone. That is what will "shake things up"

Detachment is a choice. Detachment can be faked (and should be if necessary) Detachment has more to do with the WS's perception than it does with your own feelings of being detached. Doesn't matter as much whether you "feel" you are detached as long as the WS perceives that you are.

I can't do XYZ - I already have plans - maybe another time?

If you choose ow then so be it. I am fine without you and as a matter of fact, I think it's for the best (me dumping him)

Firm, strong, confident, resolved

This is your mess, you need to clean it up. My patience won't last forever

I've worked for my marriage - changed attitudes, beliefs ME. I have invested time energy and focus.

Be short, blunt, mysterious

Tks RSF and EN!!! I did exactly what you said when I pick up my D. I just say thanks and try to keep stepping. I love on my D all the way from when I get her till i get her in the vehicle.

I think part of the problem has been that it has shown probably the whole time since we separated just how much I do care and don't agree with what is going on. I think the WAS just feed off of that and keep doing exactly what they are doing.

I really need to just act happy with what is happening and try not to ask her to do anything anymore. I guess I should also not really talk to her about too much of what goes on with my daughter when I have her. What do you think about that? Is that the right approach???

Thanks

Yep. With the WAS, everything wrong in her life will be your fault. Expect it.



I think you need to be polite. Don't ignore her when you are around her. Just treat her like a friend. I know you don't feel like that right now.

As for the self confidence, do you have an exercise routine? I got back into lifting weights. I stepped up my running. I really started watching what I was eating. Dropped 25 punds. I feel great. Also, flirt with women when you have the chance. This helps boost your ego.

I have read some great books that you should consider either picking up online or checking out at a local library: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Learned Optimism." Oh, and if you are inclined, the Bible is not too shabby either.



I don't want to be with you anymore. I love you but I'm not in love with you. We are just incompatable. Everything will be great b/c we're going to be great frineds. I have no romantic feelings for you anymore. My feeling aren't ever, ever, ever going to change. Maybe I can find someone who will make me happy. And the list goes on and on.

As for a time period, no way to know. Really.

Ok, want another list (which I pirated from someone else, Sandi, I think). Here's a good Do's and Don't when dealing with a WAS:

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through
conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do
things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or
short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just
say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse
happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting
more than ever and are desperate and needy
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

Tks GIMA! I really do try to treat her like a friend. I really have mimimal hard feelings towards her. I don't like what she does by any stretch of the imagination, but no real ill feelings.

As for working out, I do a lot of that. I recently lost about 20 lbs myself with a lot of running and eating right. I have been lifting weights for a long time now. So overall I am in pretty good shape. I feel so scarred from women these days it is a little hard to flirt with them much though.

Congrats on your losing 25 lbs. That is great and it takes alot of dedication to do that. Hard to eat healthy in the fast paced world we live in also.

I will try to grab the books you mentioned. Sounds like a good read. Thanks for the list.. It is a very good one. I need to read it continuously!!!