Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers PLEASE HELP! - About to completely LOSE IT!!!

Flower - you go girl! You so seem to be doing all the right 180s for your situation! Keep it up!

Body language is another area to understand. Get your body language skills up to par and be very aware of his.....

Last night -
H came home from work to delicious homemade chicken soup filling the air and simmering on the stove. H doesn't really care for soup, which I know, but he's been sick with a cold all week and I made it especially for him to try and help him get better faster. H upon seeing the soup "Thanks, but soup?". Me - "It's delicious and will help you get better quick." H made himself hearty bowl and sat at kitchen bar to eat while I stood in kitchen across from him eating as well. H talked about his day and some work issues during which I was able to show agreement, understanding, and validation of the things he was dealing with, along with lots of direct eye contact to make sure he knew I was really listening to him.

Prior to our eating, when he first came in the door, I had my gym clothing on already. (I didn't know what his plans for the evening were, or even if he would be home or not. My plans I decided were to go to the gym early so I could make it in time to the tanning salon as well.) H - "I'm not going to the gym this early. I'm going to wait and go later after the crowds clear out and (friend who is a work-mate/other gym buddy) might be coming with me." Me - "Oh, ok. What time were you planning on going?". H - "Um, I'm not really sure." So, I took this as I wasn't invited with him tonight, which again was fine as I had already decided my plans, and went to the gym by myself.

As I was getting ready to leave the gym, saw H downstairs sitting with friend as friend was filling out paperwork. We made eye contact and I smiled and waved at him, he waved back. Downstairs, I stopped by their table and briefly chatted with H and H's friend. Gave H's friend a hug as he watched. (Reflecting later on last night realized that it's been since 8/22 that H and I have hugged...ugh.) Then told H I had to get to gym early as I wanted to make it to tanning salon. H was inquisitive about it and expressed interest in now wanting to go to tanning salon for himself (the MLC never ceases to amaze me with what he'll want to do next).

Later at home - H ate more soup (lol) and was texting but left phone in kitchen and went back and forth between watching tv in living room with me and texting in kitchen...kinda odd, although he did lol at one of the texts he got. (That always makes me sad/jealous, when I have to hear him laugh in the other room when he is on phone or texting with OW. I want to be the one to make him laugh.)

Then H got up and took shirt off and started looking in the mirror (like umpteenth time he's done this with me right there for his little show). So, I decided to play along last night and got up and went right next to him to "check him out". He let me touch his stomach and his neck and shoulders to feel his definition. All I kept thinking was keep self-control, don't screw things up now, you can do this, walk away, and I did, even though that line in Wedding Crashers kept running through my head "That broad just eyef***ed the s**t out of you." which is I'm sure what I was doing during all these shananigans. Well then H walks to his bathroom while in mid-conversation with me, so I followed him (which I normally don't do right now, I try to stay put and let him come back to me). As I was getting ready to walk away after he finished what he was saying, he grabs his clippers and says "Well, since you're right here, you get to clip my back for me." Oh dear lord help me now. So, I let my fingers roam about his back while clipping it. H got goosebumps like he usually does and I just commented "You've got goosebumps." H - "I always do." Me - "I think it's cute." Really forgot how much I love touching him and want to be touched back by him.

Rest of night was pure torture, absolute hell after we said our good-nights. He was out in office when I went to my bedroom and about 15 mins later I thought I heard his phone ring. Didn't sleep much. Just let myself cry, ache, and miss him for a while.

HUGS

FG,

Ya done good, girl -- real good. Very good self-control!

But the part above jumped out at me. Why do you allow him to text his girlfriend from YOUR marital home??? There's no way I would allow that, and DIDN'T, when my wife was having her affair. I told her that it was extremely rude, and disrespectful, and that if she wanted to talk to or text her boyfriend, she could go do it outside (which she did, even standing out in the driveway IN THE RAIN one night, talking to him).

You have to have boundaries, or you won't be able to continue to stay strong, IMHO.

Puppy

Puppy - Before I started DBing, close to two months ago now, the prior 4 months were filled with me crying, pleading, being bitchy and full of attitude, isolating myself, trying to make him feel guilty, talk sense into him...etc, etc, etc. Basically, anything and everything that is wrong to do in DBing, I was doing it/had done it. This included telling him on several occasions that he was attached at the hip to his phone with his texting and phone calls and that he shouldn't be so disrespectful as to even do that at all from our house. That was met with a "I'm paying for everything in this house including your car insurance, cell phone bill, health insurance, and internet, so this is my house and I will darn well do what I please here." He has had the courtesy enough for the most part to take all his phone calls out in the garage or in his bedroom with the door closed. Texting on the other hand has still continued even in my presence. I have no way of knowing who he is texting or texting him at any given time (short of looking up cell phone records which I did through the years of previous separations/problem times, but have not done or given into for this entire round = SO proud of myself). I have just noticed some patterns that have kinda clued me in when it is most likely OW. So a 180 for me was to stop giving it any attention at all and act as if I could care less about his phone activities now, which I feel I have been doing extremely well with.

Continue on into next post as it also applies to your question on this and what happened last night...

FG,

I hear what you're saying. However, there's a huge range between this:



and him doing whatever the hell he wants, no matter how rude or disrespectful.

Can't you find some reasonable middle ground here? I'd be OK with:



. . . if it wasn't causing you to:



I presume you are in a communal property state? If so, the house is half yours, and even if technically it's not, there are still basic social norms of decency here.

Puppy

Well, I royally screwed up...sigh.

Thursday evening - H came home to me cleaning kitchen. Exchanged hello's. Could tell H was not feeling good and/or not in best mood. H told me a little about his day, but not like usual in-depth friendliness with it. H said he wasn't feeling good, confirming my observation.

I had music CD playing which was a burned copy and started skipping. H goes to his truck and gets CD case with real CD and gives to me to put in player to keep listening to. (This is also the same band that was mentioned by him that is coming in concert that he knows I want to go see.)

Made H dinner, he ate in living room while watching TV, I ate at kitchen bar. Then I cleaned up dishes and went to my room for a while. A friend called and I chatted with her for a while in my room. She had me laughing pretty hard and I'm sure H heard me out in living room even though my door was closed. (Kind of gives me satisfaction when things like this happen, so he can see I still have a life, people still want to talk to me, and I can still laugh and be playful too.)

Got in my shorty-pj-shorts and see-through white spaghetti tank top so you could see my bright melon push-up bra straight through it and went back to living room with my blanket to watch TV. Think H was a little surprised to see me back. I'm sure he thought I would just be in my room for the night. But caught a little checking-me-out look on him as I was sitting down. Then he says "You've gotta see this show" and instantly rewinds show for me to watch with him. I ended up falling asleep on couch and then went to bed. It was close to midnight and H was still awake on couch when I left. After I got in bed, few mins later I heard the familiar incoming text ding-ding of his phone out in the living room. Heard several more after that but didn't hear his usual ding when he texts back. ?

Friday - Came home for lunch and H was home. (He usually comes home earlier than me for lunch on my work days so this was different.) H fixes his lunch and then goes and changes from work clothes to regular clothes. Ok, so he's not going back to work, and not sure what that's about. So, I still have to go back to work, but we were through with seeing patients, so I went into bedroom and changed into mini jean skirt and tight top with cute wedge heels and pack backpack with workout clothes for gym later. Walk out of bedroom and get an instant "Where are you going?" from H. Me - "Oh, I just have some things to take care of." Then H - "Are you going to be home this weekend?" - Me "Yes." I finish eating my lunch, say to H on my way out door "See ya later and have a good weekend if I don't see you later." H was falling asleep and said "See ya."

Then as I was walking to garage door, there on floor was a hair that did not belong to me. I have come across the OW's hair now many times and have not said a word about it previously. So, I stopped and started some panicked/anxious/crazy/adrenaline thinking... Was OW here last night? Is he bringing OW here at night when I am asleep or when he thinks I'm not here or won't be here? Was he asking me about this weekend because if I'm not here he thinks he can bring OW here? So, I almost went to talk to him right then. But decided, no, I need to stop and think about this and what I want to say first and just left. Another huge 180 for me, as I normally would always react first and think later.

Home later. H still home and in kitchen as I enter. H says he just woke up and is feeling better. H is about to leave kitchen area and this is when I ROYALLY SCREWED UP:

AFG - "Are you leaving soon?"
H - "Yes, why?"
AFG - "Just wanted to see if you had a minute before you leave."
H - "Sure." Starts walking back to kitchen.
AFG - "Well, maybe we should sit in living room."
H - "Oh boy, it's that serious?"
AFG - Quick thinks - H is associating LR with my previous "we have to talk" R talks. DR said to change the place where you talk. "No, that's ok, let's just stay in here."
H - Grabs barstool and sits across from me in kitchen.
AFG - "I just wanted to tell you thank you again for coming to me and asking me a couple weeks ago about having other people over and taking me into consideration on that."
H - "It's ok. I just wanted to talk to you about it. I don't want to disrespect you."
AFG - "Thank you, I appreciate that. However, I keep coming across physical evidence of this other person."
H - Gets smirk on his face and kinda snickers "Physical evidence, what kind of physical evidence?"
AFG - "Hair."
H - "What kind of hair?"
AFG - With common sense tone "Hair."
H - "I don't know what to say about that." with funny look on face.
AFG - "I'm not looking for an explanation. However, I wanted to make it completely clear to you my position and standpoint. I feel like it would be rude, disrespectful, insensitive, and completely inappropriate if you were to allow this person to come here. I don't care if I'm here or not, asleep, awake, it doesn't matter to me."
H - cuts me off "Why would it matter if you're not here. If you tell me you're not going to be here for the weekend or the evening. Why would it matter then?"
AFG - "Because this was OUR home, still is OUR home, regardless of where we are at in this situation. I know it is not an ideal situation for either of us, but I want it to continue peacefully and harmoniously and I am working hard to keep it that way."
H - "Well, she has never been here before but I just don't understand why it's a problem if you're not here."
AFG - Started getting teary "You see, I didn't want to get emotional about this."
H - "Get emotional if you have to."
AFG - "I'm starting to feel like an animal that's being backed into a corner with you pushing this and who's only defense and reaction is going to be to lash out and I don't want to go there. I'm not that person anymore. I'm doing the best I can to find a job so I can support myself and get out of here. And if I could just disappear and get our of your way, I would."
H - getting irritated "If you really wanted out of here you would have taken any job by now."
AFG - "I have done a lot. I have even looked into taking a minimum wage full time job. But that wouldn't help my situation whatsoever. I can't survive on that. I have looked into getting roommates. Nothing has worked out so far, so I don't know what else you want me to do. I didn't think it would take this long either and I am trying everything that I can do."
H - Starts talking about my finances and we go down the list of item by item and how my money is being spent. I think it helped him to see that I have NO money to save at this point with my current job.
AFG - "Well, I can think of something that would help expedite the situation for when I do get full-time job, which is bound to happen eventually. I can sell the 4-wheeler and use that for first/last/security on a place."
H - Gets very mad "No, you see you always want to do this. Just liquidate and sell things and then waste the money and then there's nothing to show for it. I'm not in debt and screwed my credit up for nothing. We agreed to share it so we could both have use of it and no, we're not selling it."
(Facts: 4-wheeler is mine. We are both in debt, both have credit screwed. I contributed with work and all of my income to our household finances all these years as well.)
AFG - "My other issue with it then is this. And I don't know why I keep coming back to this one thing because it's stupid and doesn't even matter now, but, if we both share it and have use of it then that means you could allow the use of it by other people as well. And for me (really started getting choked up and tears streaming), for me it still represents some of the best times and most fun days we spent together. And I know it's just a thing and it could be gone tomorrow and this is all just symbolic. But if that were to happen it would somehow in my mind be tainted and make that time seem worthless or meaningless, null and void, and invalidated. And I just don't want that to happen and to have to think about and deal with that too."
H - Just looks at me for a minute "Well, it's off the table, I'm not going to argue this, No, I don't want to sell it."
AFG - "Well, I want to sell it and that's where I stand."
H - Keeps going on and I start walking away. "Oh, so you're walking away now."
AFG - "What else am I supposed to do. None of this matters anymore anyways."

I go in bedroom to gain my composure. Realize that H is getting ready now to leave and talk to/see OW for weekend. How do I want to leave things with him before that happens. Definitely not like this. Another huge 180. Old me would have hung out in room and hid and waited for him to leave.

I go back to kitchen, put on happy/friendly/calm/non-crying face. H comes back in kitchen all dressed to go with necklace on I assume OW gave him as a present.
AFG - "You know what. I absolutely agree with you that selling the 4-wheeler is a bad idea and I see your point about how I have done similar things in the past. Like you said, I will have enough money when I get my new job within a short time to be able to move out. I think I needed to have my moment about it, which I did. The 4-wheeler is your's to do with what you like and I promise I won't bring the subject up again."
H - Goes into explaning again that he just wants to be able for us both to still enjoy it and at least have something to show for all the bad financial decisions. Then starts back in about having other people over. Tells me that he wants me to be free to have whatever friends I want to have over when he's not here and vice versa, we can do the roommates thing (demotion, back to roommates term). I said I'm fine with that with the exception of that one person and if that's what he means by having groups of people over to include that person, then that's not ok. Proceeds to say that he has other new friends and "she's not the only person I hang out with. I think you have the wrong idea about this." I am laughing inside thinking does he really think I'm that naieve/gullible?!?!

I start to end conversation and walk away on good note. All was calm and cool again. H looks at me and starts walking towards me, says come here. Proceeds to give me a very close, lingering, squeezing, embracing hug. During which he says "You feel tiny." Me - "Because I'm getting tiny." As we were pulling away H says "You know I could be a jerk and just do what I want or have already done what I want, but I don't want to disrespect you. And I don't want you to think that I'm telling you I want you to have people over just so I can wear you down so you'll let me have her come over." I just smiled and didn't say another word.

Then I was getting ready to leave room but he proceeds to converse for about another 15 mins about his day at work with full details. As he was leaving, tells me he is going to his brother's house for evening and "I'll probably be back home tonight, I'm just bringing my stuff with me just in case." This usually means I won't see him til Monday, but I still think it's funny as to why he even takes the trouble to say something like that? LOL. I just said with happy face "Have fun." and out the door he went and no, he didn't come home last night as expected.

How bad did I screw up?

Hi AFG

I am a newbie here so take my feedback with a huge grain of salt and wait on the more experienced DBers to chime in. In my mind, showing emotion was a slip but slips are inevitable from time to time in the DB process. As long as you regain your footing (which you did) you can keep it going.

So yes - showing emotion = bad

BUT!



You established a boundary and stuck to it which is great!

Hang in there!

HBH

Thanks HBH!

Another doozie -
I have resolved myself to staying out of H's bedroom for a few months now. Unfortunately, this morning, I was impelled to go see if something I had given to him back when I was doing all the wrong things was still in it's place on his nightstand under a stack of other crap as it had been for months. I'm feeling a tremendous amount of fear/anxiety/sadness/loneliness/depression/anger coming off of last night.

One of my last acts out of anger that I did months ago was a display of items that I set up on his bed. Included were a box full of our wedding/vacation photos, a clear container with a bunch of new lingerie/stillettos/stripper shoes of mine, a box with some sexy underwear for him (sarcastic note on top that read "Maybe you can still get some use out of these."), another box with all kinds of cute things that I had been collecting for special date nights that I had planned to do & included in it were a brand new box of Your's & Mine personal lubricant and a box of massage oils, along with some notes to him/gifts to him, a pair of baggies and a note about going to the beach with him, a pair of dirt-bike riding goggles with a note about us going riding together.

So, I set this display up all neatly on his bed and included in a framed picture one of the last pics we took together on our trip to Cali in March. The picture frame said Love Is... patient, kindness, affectionate..etc. Love is unconditional at the bottom. I set that picture along with a baggie containing our wedding rings stapled to a copy of our marriage license on top of everything along with a hammer and a lighter and a note that read, "Some things to remember me by and my suggestions as to what I think you should do with them." Also, off to the side was some papers that I had been keeping of a list of fun things and activities that I thought we could do together when I was brainstorming one day many moons ago. The date on the printout was back in 2003, so I attached a note to that as well that read "You laughed when I told you I had been asking you to do things together for a while now. P.S. Check the date." This is the paper that has been sitting under the stack on his nightstand the last time I checked a while ago. I wanted to take it back because I figured he would probably start using it in his R with OW. Making OW think he is this new, fun guy with all these ideas of things to do. Meanwhile, it's still all from me.

I know, I know, this whole thing was a textbook WHAT NOT TO DO while DBing. But, alas, in learning how to DB, I resolved myself to it doesn't matter anymore anyway. So, in my moment of weakness this morning, I go in room to check and see if list of activities is still on his nightstand. Entire nightstand had been cleaned off. So I check the drawer and there in drawer is the box of Your's & Mine and baggie with massage oils along with said list of activities underneath.

This find sent me realing emotionally. WTF???? He really has no scruples in any of his doings, does he. He knew those items were meant for us and since they weren't going to be used by us, why couldn't he just keep them in the place they were, in the box in his closet. How can he have no qualms about using them with OW and/or by himself, when he knows where they came from and the intentions of my buying those items? How does one block out any sense of decency in their brain to allow them to do whatever and not think about it? I JUST DON'T GET IT.

I think I'm reaching my point of no coming back. It's been too much for too long. How much can one person keep taking? I think I am certifiably insane.