Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Wife says she wants me to move on

I actually already started snooping. When my wife spent the night last week, I looked at her cellphone log and txt msg. She actually caught me looking at the phone. I didnt know what to say, just sorry "im paranoid". She didnt seem very upset. Of course, she could be covering her tracks or there could be no OM after all. This [censored] is eaten me up already just thinking about it.

Even Puppy would say not to snoop until you are ready to know the answer. Until you are really ready to deal with what you might find out, I believe it is better not to snoop. Don't snoop just because you are curious. Only do it if you really want to know, and have a plan for how you will react. You want to be in control of yourself when you react, if you haven't thought it through ahead of time, your emotions will get the best of you.

I'm certainly not promoting the idea of snooping either. IF there is more to this story, it will reveal itself, trust me.

Anyone know the success rate of people staying married after getting back together from a separation/near divorce? If by some slim chance my W decides she wants to stay married, im worried she will do this again in the future, worst if we have a child.

It doesn't matter what the success rate for anyone else is. It comes down to individuals, just you and your W. You have to decide based on that, not on what anyone else has done.

Thanks all for the comments. I bought DR last night at BAM. I started reading it and realized just now I left it on the bed. The W is suppose to be going to the house today, im not sure I want her to see im reading DR. So far the book makes sense, has good examples, especially about people getting in the divorce trap. I think thats exactly where my W is going to end up, to bad she wouldnt read the book. I did tell her about the WAWS a week ago, she didnt really say much except have some tears in her eyes. Deep down inside I really hope there isnt a OM, but she is not acting like the W I married, so I know anything is possible. Hopefully I will get some answers by the time everything is over. If there is an OM, she is probably hiding it from everyone else in her life, unless her friends have no values either. She hasnt contacted me at all since Monday, we are suppose to go out tonight but she may not even call. I plan on going out tomorrow night with friends, something I havent done while we were married. This process truly is an eye opener to better yourself. Ive lost weight, started working out, talking to more people, and other self improvement. One thing that I hate though is waking up in the morning. I havent had a truly good night sleep in months, and whenever I wake up in the morning I feel like im in a nightmare, only to realize its all for real. Anyone else felt like this in their separation/divorce? How long did it last? I sometimes wish I could take a pill to erase my memory of her.

When you first start on this journey, you want the statistics. I think we were all at that point where we wanted to know how many marriages are saved, how many can pull through this mess. Unfortunately, no matter how many statistics are quoted, it doesn't matter because in the long run, this is one of life's many unanswered questions.

DR is a great book, but you have to read it for you. I enjoyed the book and it taught me a great many things, but one of the traps that every newcomer falls into is doing the work for the spouse. I did, I am sure there are many here who have done the same thing. I mean, our goal is to reconcile the marriage, right?

Sort of. I mean, obviously we want that. But the thing is that you first have to learn that you cannot control your wife. Nothing you will say or do will make her automatically see your side of it. The only person you can control is you. So this is why we need to listen and validate, because regardless of whether they are right or wrong, it is perceived by the spouse that we have done something wrong.

Ultimately, it is trying to make you a better person for a future relationship, whether it is with your spouse, or someone else. I know this is the last thing you want to think of, but I think it is key to remember the relationship you had with your wife, as it was, is over. Should you both try a NEW relationship, then it will have to be like wiping the slate clean and starting over.

That is a beginning point. Let go of any expectations, let go of "reconciliation..." (I hate that word, becasue ultimately reconcilations don't work). What does work is a new relationship...one based on the things you learn throughout this journey.

thanks LolaL. Im almost to the point where Ive given up all hope. I like what you said regarding my old relationship is gone, only a new one can exist. That is one of the reasons I asked her about spending some time with me off and on, to see if something happens. She is convinced nothing will. She was the one who came up with "i can give you 2 nights a week" thing, but I think she is only doing that because she feels sorry for me, being alone at the house, etc. Should I continue to see her like this or tell her I dont want her to do things she doesnt want to do? We have no kids and she has everything she needs where she is living now, so there isnt any reason for us to see each other. Its almost if im scared to see her tonight if she comes over, my self esteem is shot. Thats one of the things I need to work on for sure.

You might not like my answer.

I think that you need to take a break from seeing her. Now, I know your first thought is "what if she forgets me?" She won't. She will be curious as to why all of a sudden you are not seeing her.

The reason I say this is becasue workinig on yourself while still in the midst of the situation is counterproductive. You need to be okay with you, and right now any outside influence can hinder that. Now, that is not to say you cannot go out with friends, but for at least four to six weeks, try to limit the contact w/ your W. If she calls, tell her you have plans (even if you don't). You don't want to be too accessible.

But in the meantime, MAKE PLANS. Go out to a ball game, join a bowling league, get together with friends for dinner and drinks, or whatever you enjoy doing. You need to keep your mind off this, and you also need to become independent.

One of two things will happen, she will wonder where you have gone, or you might decide this, in fact, is not the right relationship for you. Either way, you will start to feel better.

I once saw someone post that a broken heart is similar to a broken bone. When you break a bone, you go to the doctor, you have it set, you are careful so that it does not get damaged again, and you realize it is going to take time to heal. You do things to take your mind off the pain and itch of healing. But you don't go back and do the same thing you did to cause you to break it in the first place. You try something different.

What is so different about a broken heart?

Good analogy. One of my main mistakes was not having many friends, my W was my best friend, i did everything with her. When she went out with her friends, I stayed home. One of the first things she said when she left was "make friends". Maybe I have to read a book on how to make friends...lol