Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers It's too hard sometimes

Found W's profile on OkCupid (dating site).

Like a punch in the gut.

Still, she's the cutest one I've found there. Which is difficult in it's own right.

After reading her online dating profile I think I hit my final straw. I feel so monstrously betrayed and emasculated. I feel like screaming at her. I feel like telling her she can have her effing divorce and throw every thing she's given me in her face. I don't know if I can take her to the doctor on friday or even stand to look at her any more!

I want to tell her I'm taking back my offer of friendship. How can I be her friend? She's not mine, not in any real sense!! Who is this person to take our history together and treat it like such garbage, to treat me like garbage?? Where did this person come from?

I'm lost! Where do I go from here? What can I do?

Texted and asked for the rings back. Probably shouldn't have. But I feel the need to regain some of my dignity from her. Somewhere along the line I handed over my "manhood" to her. I'm a shell. I shouldn't be like this. I gave up a lot of my self to this woman who spits on it now.

She texted back "fine," then said I could have them back when I come by Friday.

I didn't reply. I don't even want to talk to her, to hear her voice. I don't want to be bitter and angry but I don't know if I can forgive the dating site thing. She claimed she didn't like the site and wasn't interested when she originally mentioned it. But she was listed as online when I saw her profile.

Curiosity killed the cat, I guess. I don't know if I'll ever trust her again. I know she told me about it. I know she considers herself divorced but she said such nasty things about being married (called it a hole). She had sexy pictures on there.

I'm just sick of my heart breaking over and over and over.

Mark,
Don't know if there is anything I can say to help you. Only thing I can think of is you sound like me two days ago. I felt the exact same pain and anger you are feeling now. Your wife crossed over a boundary you established.

You will feel better tomorrow or the next day. But for now, don't make any decisions or plans. Sit on your hands and don't make any additional contact with your W until you calm down.

Your not alone.

I don't want to talk to her. I just talked to Ds and kept my mouth shut when W picked up.

Thanks for the support, c-bart. I'm going to take an antihistamine and drool in front of the t.v. And often, especially lately, it's not what you say but that you understand.

And I sent a text re: her dating profile.

She texts me back and I try to avoid conversation. She calls me and I avoid some more until I realize that I'm inadvertently jerking her around.

When I confess I'd seen the profile she isn't even mad. We launch into a very mellow casual conversation.

I even say I don't want to be friends--but I can't help it when I'm talking to her. All anger slipped out of me. We're ridiculously compatible. How do I detach? It's not that I even want to remain close friends. I don't know if we can NOT be close. It may take more work to stop than working on the R. That's what gives me hope and at the same time scares me. I feel bipolar. Love her then hate her and sometimes both.

Time. And faith in our bond. Because beneath the hurt is something which seems to keep us in orbit of each other.

I deleted my dating profile when I found out she wants to block me from seeing her account. I don't want to date. I only made the account because I knew she had one.

I still can't get over the nice talk we had last night. Not that we don't have them but I was so angry about the dating site thing and then I'm chatting like we did three months ago.

One aspect of that conversation struck me. She was complaining about money. She paused at one point to say that she knows I was getting upset, assuming that I only ever get angry when discussing money. I had to reassure her that I was listening and being supportive, not getting mad at all.

Based on the things she was saying I expect a crash. Financially, she's badly in the hole. I don't think her first reaction if things go pear-shaped is to seek solace in me, though. I'm worse off, w/ no job yet. Maybe if I remind her how great a guy I can be... I don't know.

Would it matter if she thought she could lose me? I brought up the fact that I don't want to be "just friends"--before a longish chatty conversation. She seemed peachy with that idea. Would it matter if we stay in contact. I was thinking of making it a weekly thing. Every day on the same day... But that could easily devolve into taking me for granted.

I do want my W back, despite getting angry w/ her. Despite all that's happened. I doubt I'll be ready to jump right back into a living-together M. I need a plan, something to keep me going on the dark days as well as the light. Something for the long haul.

Any thoughts?

I wonder if it's a time of day thing. Maybe I'm a bit too whiny but I'm just venting here to avoid dumping all this onto the W or even my Ds.

Still, kind of curious about long term strategies. I'm in for the long haul.

GAL (working on the job, fixing my issues re: M, until I'm working I can't do much in the way of social life)

180s (probably more work on that)

Counseling (need a job,$)

lots of self-help (not sure how much to implement but that will come w/ time)

not too sure about level of contact. I fluctuate on what I think is appropriate to situation.

Any other suggestions. Especially how to hang in there in the months or longer that it will take.

Also, I want to hear about successes. Where would I find those? If you have one or know about them, clue me in; I need the hope.

Friday was oddly nice and hard at the same time. W was sick and had to have a very uncomfortable test. Vibe was mellow and friendly and it felt good to be there for her. Dealing with being in "her" apartment was hard and I had to step outside once. I wept when I picked D10 from school.

Loading stuff into my car was hard. Taking the rings was hard, too. She had them sitting on the coffee table... on top of the form to take me off the lease. I blew off signing it. Bad move, I know.

Ds came with for the weekend. I left a thank-you card that was short(big 180 for me, I tend to be a bit verbose) and let her know I appreciated being there for her. It had a little thing at the end: "you are a giant in a tiny body." She seemed so fragile and had said how I make her feel "small." I thought it was appropriate. I could be wrong.

That Night I held the rings and for the first time really looked at them. I don't think I ever took them seriously. I wasn't upset. The were symbolic and meant something for the first time. Kind of sad but at the same time very freeing. I felt ok. I sent her a short email about how I felt. No response as of yet.

I'm driving the girls back tomorrow and that will be hard. It's been so nice to have them here. Despite the fighting. I'm a little worried about them. Their conflict level has clearly escalated since I've been gone, to the point of minor physical altercations. No outright violence but more than they've ever had before.

I'll have to load some more stuff to bring back and leave the girls behind. Plus I'll sign the paper (to take me off the lease). Will be a rough day. But my objective is to have a mellow attitude and show I'm not affected, maybe even happy. I just have to remember that I'm willing to do all I can to make our M happy. I'm the catch and if she doesn't want me then someone will. It's her loss. I met and dated women before her and can and will do it again.

The test mentioned in previous post was medical.

I've been avoiding facebook lately but went on and saw a post from MIL about W wanting cough syrup. I texted W to see if she still needed some and she said a friend got her some. I waited to reply and just said "K".

In another thread someone asked about "K" versus "okay" wondering what they meant. I've spent too much time worrying about things like that and realized it isn't worth the anxiety to care. I thought I'd try to make her wonder a little. You never know.

I have made a big deal to W how much I hate that text-speak. It may mean nothing to her but then again the pseudo-180 might be noticed (being less anal about something). I left it at that. Short and simple. She might notice a difference from my behavior of late. I tend to try to draw out conversations and get pushy when I feel she's avoiding me.

Maybe I'm over analyzing but I think I'm just being aware of my behavior and how it effects her (and ultimately others). It seems obnoxious to focus on a short text conversation but I think by doing that I'm getting a better understanding of where I'm at and where I need to be.

And, yes, I'm faking a detachment (for now, anyway) to see if I can get her to drop her guard a bit.