Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Back because I'm desperate, Need help letting GO

Hi All,
Well, I may seem new to you, but I'm not new to the boards at all. Been on since 2007, but haven't posted my own thread in well over a year.

I'll try and make the synopsis as short and sweet as possible.

H & I have known each other since 10, started dating at 18 and got married at 25 in 2003. In 2006 (wow, writing that now, it seems so long ago) he started having an affair, of which I didn't find out about until 2007 (the night in which he told me that he was moving out). Since then, we had periods of not talking, or talking as friends. In Summer of 2008, we started re-building our friendship, after he apologized for the affair and the pain he caused me. After that, all I wanted was to get out of "our house" (he was living with his parents since the separation) and get my own place. House sold in December 2008. We both living separately. In June 2009, we agreed to divorce. Since we sold our house, you could define our relationship as extremely friendly; texting regularly, dinners out, baseball games, hanging out and watching tv. Talking about our new relationships with other folks.

The past 2 weeks, STBXH has been shading and MIA. I thought something was up...but I guess I didn't think to hard about it...I guess b/c historically when I felt something was up it usually hurt my feelings. On Sunday, I saw on his FB that his status was changed to be "in a relationship". I texted him: "Hey! who are you dating?!" He texted me back that it ends up being this girl who we both went to HS with, who he had a crush on all during HS and when we first started dating at 18, he broke up with me b/c of his feelings for her.

Well, this devastated me. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

All this time, I didn't want to be his friend. There was a tiny part of me that still wanted to get back together with him. Why? Honestly? I don't know. Without a doubt, thinking about being with him scares the crap out of me. I don't want to be, but I guess it is the commitment aspect of it?

Honestly, I think what it is is that I can't believe that he never gave me another chance as a wife. He gave his affair lady like 3 chances to work it out. Now, he is starting to date the "one who got away" from HS. But me? nothing. He gave up on me.

So, like I said, I've been around the block for a while, so I know all the retoric...he didn't give up on me, it's him not me, blah blah blah. But, really, I just need help letting go. I've dated guys and I'm KNOW what is out there that will do better for me. But, I am just having such a hard time letting go.

If anyone responds, I'd appreciate it.

I don't know if I can really help because I am new to all of this, but I can relate to the long time being together. H and I have dated since we were 16 in high school. We have been through high school, college, marriage, buying a house, and having our wonderful son, but he left and has had/is having an EA.

All I can say to you is what I have told my H since this has started so he knows what the other side of the fence with look like. If we ever get to a D, we will NEVER talk again. We will see each other because of S, but he will NEVER be friends. There will be no FB, texting, emailing, talking, anything at all. I am not saying you should do this, but I know for me, it is the only way I would be able to move on.

I know I would think about him all the time and want to know what is going on in his life for a really long time because when you are with someone for that long, you really do become connected, but somehow you need to completely separate yourself.

I don't know if this helps because I am new at this. You will be in my prayers.

((((((Beth))))))

I've wondered about you. Sorry to see you like this.

If it helps, I'm not surprised you are struggling with this. You've known him for so long. He's so familiar, even if he is flawed. I don't think there is a magic potion for getting over him. I think you just do it, one day at a time. Maybe work on thought stopping tricks, and distraction, when you feel yourself getting pulled in? Refocus on yourself. Work on your GAL.

I know, you already know all that. But DBing doesn't end when you D. A lot of the same tools will still help!

Sorry you're here.... again. Ouch.
I am here because I struggle with the busines of detaching. Some are better at this than others. I suspect due to family history and past experiences.
Something to do with not having any control of the situation seems to be a big piece to it, at least for me.
Since I'm not so good at that myself, I don't know what I can offer you. But certainly there's a lot of helpful comments coming from some very supportive & generous people here.
As you know, it's about getting a life, having a positive mental attitude. I try to keep in mind that there is a reason for it, I just don't know it yet. I like to imagine my spirit guides are there for me and they are somehow helping me on my path and I should trust that. Everything is as it should be, we just can't understand why from our place of hurting.
I doubt his new r will last long. But regardless, you should be taking care of yourself and moving your life forward.
HUGS

I thing detaching came for me when I realized that I will always love my stbxh, but that doesn't mean we will be together. I understand how you feel, I struggle too. I don't know how strong your faith is, and I am by no means a holy roller, but there was something that the pastor of my old church said once about faith that has helped me to let go a bit. Ultimately God has a plan, and although you may not know right now what it is, you have faith that there is a reason for this. If you try to fight it, then it hurts more.

Maybe it is time to stop being friends??? (((Hugs)))

Here's a link for you.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/
I saved this for myself. I skimmed it, but reading this may be helpful to understanding.

Thanks Guys!

(Handsome) I knew you'd come through!

Last night I texted him telling him that I was upset and needed some time to nail down my feelings about everything. I felt ENORMOUS relief with that (b/c I felt like I was just being passive aggressive by just ignoring his texts).

I really need some time to sort through all this. :-/

And Beth there is nothing wrong with that. I think one of the biggest problems with either reconciliation or actually moving on is that many don't take that time. Healing from an illness or broken bone, surgery, doesn't happen overnight, so why should healing from a broken heart?

Lola, that is funny b/c I always compare "all this" to healing from something. I think it can pose great comparisions.

Thanks for reminding me its ok for me to take time (even lots of it!) to heal from this. <3

You are very welcome. Please...I have taken two years, and am STILL not there. But I am getting better, sometimes it just takes time. Take all the time you need!