Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again The Thread With No Home

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And just plain enjoy the Penn State game in the rain.

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Go Badgers.

Cathy

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Wow, with all the wisdom on this board, who needs therapists?

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When I first found this bb, after one week I got more out of this board than I did out of two months worth of sessions, so decided to "fire" my C! Never went back. Of course, the main reason was the session quickly became "what's best to protect yourself" and none of it was solution-based in a pro-M format.

I'm having a hard time drawing the connection between H's decision not to go to Disney because you're planning a trip to Germany over the season break? ... but that's his issue. The point he seems to be missing is it will be one more missed oppurtunity to enjoy some wholesome good fun with the kids.

You're H is definately mired in the deepest mirk of his turmoil. Its one of the hardest things to do ... it is going to take a lot of effort to remain lovingly detached and stay on the sidelines while your H grasps desperately at every unsupported notion as why he is bogged down and can't pull himself out of it. It seems to go against all instincts, but you have to let him find his own way out.

The sense of walking on eggshells comes from your desire to give support, but knowing there will be times when he will refuse it. When he does turn away your support, accept that it ... become OK with it because you made the attempt to be supportive (afterall if he doesn't take it, its his loss, not yours) ... shrug it off ... and redirect your attention back to yourself and kids. This should help reduce the amount of "cracked eggs" some.

'til later,
KAW

I do not think your H changed his mind about Disney because of your planned trip to Germany, frankly. I think that is the excuse he gave to himself (and you). He is probably too scared and conflicted right now. Scared of actually enjoying himself with all of you, of realizing that you are not the person his (temporarily) deranged mind has created and blames for all that is wrong with him. Do not take it personally, it is not. And do not feel guilty about it either.

It is his loss. You enjoy your trip. And take care of yourself

Thanks. I know he is in pain. I try and remember that. My best friend's theory was that I don't let him know that I need him, he doesn't feel needed around here. I thought I'd go out on a limb and tell him that and ask him to come to Disney with us.

Me email to him:

wish you would reconsider your decision on Disney. I really need your help on this trip. I don't know how I'm going to manage the airport alone with sleepy children, car seats and needing a rental car. Plus, I'm nervous about driving alone late at night in a city I don't know. I also don't like the idea of Jack sitting alone in a row on the airplane. This is a whole different magnitude of traveling with them.



I wish you would come. It is considerably more fun when you are with us. There are many rides that each child needs an adult partner. I need you to be with us! I want you to be with us. We don't have to do Universal Studios, that was just a thought I was throwing out.



Love,



Me


His response:

I understand. This is a hard conversation to have over e-mail, but we never seem to talk otherwise.

You must have expected this otherwise you would not have planned to do Universal to "start a new tradition" as you put it. At some point, we will both need to do this alone with children. Jack is old enough where he can step-up and at least carry a car seat. Plus, if you take a roller suitcase, you can balance an extra car seat or carry-on bag on top of it. Remember how well the kids did going to California with their own suitcases?

For as many times as you've been to Orlando, you should be somewhat familiar with the road system. I think you're going to be surprised by how easy getting around will be.

At some point we each need to get on with our own separate lives. I'm having a harder and harder time pretending that everything's OK between us or that tomorrow I'll wake up and be the "old Ken". For the kids' sake, I'm trying real hard to keep that from them until we have "the conversation".

Thank you for the card this morning. I could tell that it came from the heart.

Me.

Am I just being a fool holding out hope? Trying to repair this? He just wants to be gone. Was I too pathetic asking him to come? I hate doubting myself so much.

Jackie

Jackie:

LET HIM GO...I know it is hard..but let him go...I got similar emails from my H...and I believe we are slowly taking baby steps...Jackie - I have children as well, not as young as yours, but I do know how hard it is to travel with them alone. Down right scarry.....if you really think it is beyond you now in your state of mind, maybe you could reschedule your trip for a later day or get one of your folks to go with you so as not to disappoint the kids. You will feel better after you tell your parents, just set limits with them on what they can talk about with you regarding the sitch. I had to tell my mom that I would let her know when I wanted to discuss it, otherwise, please don't bring up the sitch and no negatives about H.

Again, I don't know how to tell you anymore clearly than this...LET HIM GO....you cannot keep him like this....he will come back after he has time to reflect and can see that you are JUST FINE without him....don't appear needy or incompetent around him....

Hang in there - I had a low PMA day yesterday...and low and behold, today is a new day and I feel better.

Keep in touch....

Jackie, as painful as it sounds Cupcake is right. He needs the time and space, you are going to have to let him go (but leave the back door open...). Hopefully he will wake up soon and realize where his heart and his life is. But I do not see how to avoid some degree of separation

So, be strong for yourself and the kids. We are all here for you when you need to vent.

Jackie,

My honest opnion is that when you sent that it just a little needy...I think it is time to detach lovingly and just let him go. I think that It can still work but that your H needs to figure that out. At this stage in his thinking(fog) what ever you do will not pull him back. So detach and become the best you can be. I know sounded really cheesy. Could be a line from an army comercial . That is just MHO so take it with a grain of salt.

Lee

Hi Jackie,

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jackie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I also think he is going to have to go to find himself. I know when Calystra told me it would be good for David and I to separate for a while, I thought I would just curl up and cry all the time. I did some of that, but I don't think I would feel about myself or possibly even David as positive if we hadn't had this time apart.

I think I'm ready, for him to come home. Sometimes it is nice and peaceful just the kids and I here. No one else to please or do for.

So, do you want a concrete back porch, a wooden one or what are you thinking?

Jackie,
You're not pathetic you're a DB warrior. You went out on a limb and you got a "no." Yeah, balancing car seats on luggage sounds more like a pain in the @$$ than a fun vacation to me, but he's at least given his explanation for why he's sending all of the mixed signals. It may not be reality, but it's his version, so just let him have his version for now.

You also know that it isn't because he feels un-needed. Do let him go. Let him do his thing. Let him find out what this "freedom" thing is like and that you will manage just fine. Show him how you're going to thrive, not just survive. Many months from now he may realize that you look better than freedom looked in the brochures. You'll be fine either way. Roar, Lions! Roar! --z

Thanks guys, I know you are all right in your thinking (and z, i'm impressed, you remember the song, I'll have to learn the rest of the words.

After coffee with my FF, who is quite opinionated, but also doesn't sugar coat thing, here theory is men need to be needed. And H doesn't feel needed, he feels excluded from this family. That came up again tonight in our conversation, that last Fall he felt he wasn't part of this family, with my parents living here and him gone 5-6 days a week. So I thought I would experiment with telling him outright that I need him. Making him feel important. Thought it was an avenue I haven't taken, as, to be totally honest, because he has travelled and worked so much in the past, I can cope on my own. So I struggle with being too independent and there is reason in this, my excluding him from the kids and my life. But, then the other part of me screams that he is an adult, he could have spoken up and said something before this hit crisis point.

I will manage in Orlando airport, it won't be fun dragging the kids through an airport at midnight, but I can do it. And I did rent a convertible. Unfortunantely I waited too long to book on site hotels, so still need to make reservations for the last three nights.

So, when H doesn't come, do I tell the kids the truth (Dad doesn't want to vacation with mommy) or tell them he has to work and is very sad to miss this trip. What is the right way to approach this?

Thanks everyone for all your help and words of wisdom, I have a journal I'm keeping with all the things to remember when I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

Jackie

Go State...Beat the Badgers!