Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Newbie with almost WAW - Need Advice

HBH. I wouldn't bring up MC again. It will do no good as long as OM is in the picture anyway; I know this from experience. My W seemed to think she was validated by IC too. However, I think a lot of it is that they only hear what they want to hear (or only say what they want to say). Has your W been diagnosed with anything in the past? You said "borderline" in your first post, but I assumed you did not mean that in the clinical sense.

Hi BC

Read your sitch and it does seems like we are in a similar place right now with the genders reversed. I guess we both have to be thankful that our spouses are in the same house so that they can routinely see the changes we are making. I am glad to hear that your communication is improving, it is definitely a step in the right direction and makes things more tolerable around the house. Since I have been DBing and not playing victim, our communication has gotten better as well. Really does show that acting pathetic is no way to woo back your spouse! I have to say that over the past few weeks, I have somehow found a level of strength that I never knew I had and that has increased my PMA. Hopefully it sticks!

From reading your posts, you really seem to be handling your sitch well and showing a lot of strength. Hang in there and keep up the good work!

>

Looking for some advice from the DBers out there. One of my W's complaints is that I did not show enough affection. I have been doing the loving detachment thing which has helped to relax things at home so much. Are there some small things that I could do to show affection that would not be considered "pursuing"? I know flowers, gifts etc. are out but just want her to know that I care w/o putting any pressure on. I read in another post that a womans's top need is affection and with OM in the picture, I just feel like I need to show something. This is so not easy and I am having trouble finding that line between loving detachment and feeling like I am sending signals that I don't care.

Hi, I join the others in saying "welcome to the community".




Don't know what post you read that on....but I can tell you that it is not a WAW's top need from her H. That is past! As far as the WAW is concerned....he lost his chance. (Now that is how she is feeling.....but doesn't mean it is true.)

Why do you feel like you need to show something? If you do, she will see it as pursuing! Don't show anything but self-confidence.

Detaching is all in the attitude. It is not being cold or acting mad and not talking. So many men don't get that. It is acting as if you will be fine with or without her in your life. That is detaching.

Don't know if you've seen it or would be interested, but I could give you a list of Do's & Don'ts for the LBS.

She does not want MC and she doesn't want to read books on M or watch movies about M......she is through with M....in her mind. She feels as if she is emotionally divorced from you and now she has found a new person who makes her feel really special. He makes her feel good about herself. That is what it is all about....how he makes her feel. She thinks she has gone so long without any ego food that she is starved to death....and now OM is eagerly feeding her. Your job is to outshine the OM and for her to finally see that you are the better man. That will take time and much, much patient from you. You will have to ask yourself if she is worth the work and the wait. Is she?

If so, then dig in your heels and get to work. She is already convinced that your changes won't last (does that mean you've discussed them with her?). Prove her wrong and decide that these changes are NOT to win her back...but to make you a better man in the future regardless of the outcome of the M.

Catch her doing good things. That sounds silly but simply showing a positive reaction to everyday things will help. Small, casual touches, not flirty, during conversations like when you emphasize points. It keeps touch and physical connection alive. Important, smile! I hate it when people tell me that but it goes a long way. Plus it puts you in a good mood if you make a habit out of it. Small compliments. Tell interesting stories about your day. Look her in the eyes. Use body language like mirroring. I suggest picking up a book on flirting. Not all flirting is sexual or even romantic. It shows connection and emotional intimacy. Be very aware of criticism and bad habits--like rolling your eyes (one of mine!)--that you might not otherwise pay attention to.

This won't win anyone over all the way who would otherwise have their guard up. It's a start, though. Be careful and don't overdo it. Just be kind and interested but not too interested.

Hope that helps.

I'll have to agree w/ sandi overall, despite my previous post. All that stuff is nice but if she's not ready for it, it WILL backfire. I know from experience. It's a difficult thing to gauge, though. Like sandi said, confidence is important. You may not feel it right now. Fake it till you make it, though and you will start to feel better about yourself. Don't be cocky, either.

It is the power of feeling desired, attractive and sexual in someone elses eyes. It could have started as simple as something as a lunch room conversation or text messages of a business nature. That opened the door to curosity; and the more interested this other person was in your wife the more your wife felt desired. A little flirtation, probably instigated by your woman, is returned and the fantasy begins.

It is ignorant to think she did not tell you how she felt. She gave you so many more signals then she gave the OM. You just ignored them or more likely took her for granted. Big strike against you when you begin to take a woman for granted. And no she wasnt going to sit you down to explain to you how she felt. If you love her and are captivated by her you should just be able to know all. Well you didnt and someone else was capitvated by her and wanted to know more. And that is powerful. The interest, the desire, the sexual curosity that she had wanted and wasnt receiving at home. BAM! couple that with the adventure of something new, she gobbled that attention up.

What do you do now? Your wife has "admitted that she has been with someone but that it was more of a once or twice kind of thing. Thats kinda bad. (I put being cheated on pretty high up on my list of things I would not want to happen to me.) So it is necessary you continue to investigate your wife's doings. How can you effectively work to save your marriage if you do not know what is going on, whether she is actively involved in a relationship with another man, or she is dating several men trying to find mr. right while stringing you along or that is isnt interested in anybody including you?

What is she doing right now?

Hi Sandi

Thanks for the welcome! I have read many of your posts and all of us newbies are certainly fortunate to be able to tap into your experiences



I have really tried to detach over the past few weeks and I feel like I have done an OK job of it considering what a mess I was for the first few weeks after the bomb. Actually, I think detaching has been easier since she has (1) not apologized since the revelation of the cheating and (2) The fact that I called her a few weeks ago after I had been in a fairly significant automobile accident and she was all business (did not ask if I was OK!). I also feel like I have recaptured some of the dignity that I lost after groveling and begging for weeks.

The one thing that is really tough is the limboland I am in since I started lovingly detaching, things are calm but there seems to be no progress in any direction. I can't tell if this calm is a good thing wherein she will be able to think things through better or the calm before the storm! I am definitely on a rollercoaster emotionally but am trying to show nothing but calm to her. Some days, I feel like I am going to be OK moving forward w/o the W and other days I just feel hopeless.

I am very upbeat and nice around her, I am just not going out of my way to contact her during the day and have stopped with the flowers and gifts. I do ask her to go out to eat periodically and she does the same with me so hopefully I am not breaking the DB rules by having nights out with her. We are generally able to go out and have a nice night at dinner, concerts, etc. and even though we are able to laugh, joke around and have a good time, it just feels so cold emotionally. I have not yet noticed my 180s making too much difference yet and have not yet started to GAL to a large extent yet. I did go out to a bar one night while my W was out doing something and she did seem like she was surprised when she found out (hopefully that's good!). She also still tries to do nice things for me like buy me stuff that she knows that I like but I wonder if that is the guilt talking.

We are still sleeping in the same bed and every once in a while, she will roll over and we fall asleep hugging. However, this is relatively rare and usually, if we touch, she will recoil (very tough for me to handle).

I have mixed feelings on whether I should try to find out more about potential OM. What is your advice on this?





I have referred to this list often as it helps keep me on track but I would love if you could post it in my thread so I can have it for easy reference[/quote]




Up until this year, she has been the most wonderful thing about my life. I don't know her right now and her selfishness has been off the scale lately but I know that I still love her tremendously and there is so much good about our relationship that she just can't see right now



I am definitely making the changes for me because I know that is the only way this is going to work. Earlier, I had discussed my changes during the groveling phase but I have since stopped and just kept going

HBH

Thanks MAH

I love the "fake it till you make it" mantra. I have to keep living that! While I am definitely doing a good job of detaching, I think I am still in the faking it stage and really do hope to make it eventually. Having one of my rough nights tonight, can't stand seeing my wife so emotionally distant
I have only been at this for a couple of months and already feel like how can I keep this up. I know that everyone says this is a marathon and I hope I have the strength to keep up but damn I feel like s^&t tonight!