Ant, as I am in the middle of this as well, remember, as a really smart person once said in the movie Animal House "it aint over 'till its over. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? I dont think so."
Stand tall, I have read many threads from people who were where you are now, who DBed and who navigated this with success. Will success mean you are married? I dont know. I have had to face that reality as well. But I know this, if our marriages don't make it, then as GIMA has said many a time, there is someone out there who needs us more than our WAW. You need to live for today, then tomorrow, then the next day - one day at a time - . I am reading a great book called "The Worry Cure." It helps to address what you are going through which is a chain reaction of worries about possible future events. All you can control is yourself, and the improvements you want to make for yourself. Let her see those changes. In my case, I figure I have once a week to show her the new me, then during the week I will continue to do things the new me wants to do. Being understanding, listening to people, being compassionate, and understanding my Faith on a much deeper level than ever before. But all the while being a man and taking that confident position. For me, each week will be practice time, then the big game is Thursday night which is family night. Don't worry if you dont have a family night, she will have to see you and talk to you about your kids.
In my case she has said the same thing, she only wants a divorce, yada, yada, yada. And you know, she may very well file for one. She may actually get divorced. Will I be sad, sure I will. But even if I see the kids less, I will make that time even more special for us all.
My goal is to never let my WAW see the pitiful old me again. I am still working on that, but when she sees me, I want her to think "Wow, look at that man that was/is my husband. He is the type of person anyone would be proud to call their husband and the father of their children. What the h*** am I doing ?" Will she ever? Who knows.
Check in often and I will your thread as well. I will be thinking about you. Stay busy!
Hi shellshockedga.
I will respond to your thoughtful post...just need some time. Thank you for being here and responding.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
But inside I am having some trouble determing what if any changes I could make to add a bit of "my own flair." Even if she moves forward and files, It will take a LONG time to sell our house. Any ideas of areas that a WAW might notice? I thought about painting over the nasty wallpaper in our hallway bathroom to spice it up. ?????
Painting over the wallpaper is a great idea! Easy improvements/changes = ficus plant; something new on the wall; enlarge and frame some photos of you and the kids (only); accent pillows that are also comfortable (make yourself interested in this ); great time to put a pot of mums on the kitchen table; what have y'all been thinking of replacing for awhile but haven't gotten to? Replace it now. Those are little ideas. What about your house would make it more comfortable/enjoyable for You? That's really the objective. I've got lots of ideas but that's me. What about YOU???? Make it about YOU now. Example: does it bother you that you don't have a place to put your briefcase and jacket when you walk in the door? Buy a halltree. See what I mean? What about YOUR house can you make suit YOU better? Do it.
Cheers! Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Ant, as I am in the middle of this as well, remember, as a really smart person once said in the movie Animal House "it aint over 'till its over. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? I dont think so."
Stand tall, I have read many threads from people who were where you are now, who DBed and who navigated this with success. Will success mean you are married? I dont know. I have had to face that reality as well. But I know this, if our marriages don't make it, then as GIMA has said many a time, there is someone out there who needs us more than our WAW. You need to live for today, then tomorrow, then the next day - one day at a time - . I am reading a great book called "The Worry Cure." It helps to address what you are going through which is a chain reaction of worries about possible future events. All you can control is yourself, and the improvements you want to make for yourself. Let her see those changes. In my case, I figure I have once a week to show her the new me, then during the week I will continue to do things the new me wants to do. Being understanding, listening to people, being compassionate, and understanding my Faith on a much deeper level than ever before. But all the while being a man and taking that confident position. For me, each week will be practice time, then the big game is Thursday night which is family night. Don't worry if you dont have a family night, she will have to see you and talk to you about your kids.
In my case she has said the same thing, she only wants a divorce, yada, yada, yada. And you know, she may very well file for one. She may actually get divorced. Will I be sad, sure I will. But even if I see the kids less, I will make that time even more special for us all.
My goal is to never let my WAW see the pitiful old me again. I am still working on that, but when she sees me, I want her to think "Wow, look at that man that was/is my husband. He is the type of person anyone would be proud to call their husband and the father of their children. What the h*** am I doing ?" Will she ever? Who knows.
Check in often and I will your thread as well. I will be thinking about you. Stay busy!
Hi shellshockedga.
When she tells me the stuff she told me on Oct. 1st with the confidence and resoluteness in her voice, and that she filed for divorce on that day...it feels 'over'!
I have DB'd my but off during this separation, and have learned and become stronger and better in many ways. It doesn't feel like I will ever be with someone again who will care about me as much as she once did. I was doing really good, for months, but her decision to go through with divorce has rocked me. I know that I can only control myself. It hurts to think about the things that I've been thinking about since this latest bomb. She hasn't had much opportunity to see and experience my changes because we have spent no time together since she moved out in Feb., but I'm sure she's heard about them from the kids, and noticed a difference when we talked, and when we've been around each other for very short periods of time occasionally. She doesn't acknowledge them, or accept them, or trust them. I have done the work, but sadly, it hasn't been enough to stop her from divorcing me. I've validated, I've apologized, I've accepted responsibility consistently. I've become more compassionate. I understand her hesitancy not to trust me, but I don't understand her decision to go ahead and divorce me?
I am sad. I love my kids, and I wanted her and my family back. That hope has now been taken away from me.
I appreciate you being here shellshockedga, and I appreciate you responding. Thanks. Thank you for your kind thoughts. Good luck to you too.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Hey folks, I'm gonna go ahead and get off of shellshockedga's thread. Sorry for the hijack. I was looking for some help/support and I saw some stuff that I could relate to. I have my own thread. Thanks to all who took the time and responded. Good luck shellshockedga, and to all of you. Thanks again. Sincerily, antlers
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
For anyone that has had the WAW leave aznd has children, quick question:
my s(10) is dealing with this in the way I expected very emotional and calling my W during the day and leaving long messages asking her to come back, in some cases pleading with ehr to come back. She doesnt repsond - except to send me a text message saying she will see him on Tuesday at a soccer match.
m s(12) is a different story. He seems to be blaming me for the seperation. At every chance he says things like "why did you make her leave," why did you fight with her etc...
Since this is not true and I did not make her leave, I am not sure how to respond. Should I just ignore his comments, Should I tell the truth, or is there a better way to handle this? I dont really want to tell him his mother left on her own accord. That should be her responsibility. I dont know, maybe he does know this but doesnt want to accept it?
Any thought?
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
For anyone that has had the WAW leave aznd has children, quick question:
my s(10) is dealing with this in the way I expected very emotional and calling my W during the day and leaving long messages asking her to come back, in some cases pleading with ehr to come back. She doesnt repsond - except to send me a text message saying she will see him on Tuesday at a soccer match.
m s(12) is a different story. He seems to be blaming me for the seperation. At every chance he says things like "why did you make her leave," why did you fight with her etc...
Since this is not true and I did not make her leave, I am not sure how to respond. Should I just ignore his comments, Should I tell the truth, or is there a better way to handle this? I dont really want to tell him his mother left on her own accord. That should be her responsibility. I dont know, maybe he does know this but doesnt want to accept it?
Any thought?
Yeah, I would let him know that you did not make her leave. I would let him know that you love his mother, and that you did not want her to leave.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I agree with Ant about talking to your s12. He's old enough to have that honest explanation. S10 is a different story. He's hurting badly from his mother's actions and needs to express it. Obviously, in her selfish haze, she is not able to respond appropriately to him. That is horrible, but then again I think all WAS's are horrible so no surprise.
Do you have counseling set up for the kids? If not, why not? Get them into counseling ASAP. They need to deal with their emotions in a non-threatening environment.
I can't really relate to how your kids are reacting because my son is autistic and didn't react in the way most kids would. I didn't really have to deal with all of that. I've talked with him at length but he doesn't have anything to say other than his dad wanted someone else and left. The end.
I hope you are able to get your kids some help ASAP.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
GReek, you will love this. So W calls today (she was dark until this afternnon much to the disappointment of S10 who she had promised to call this morning (but right on script). Anyway, she asks what I am doing and I tell her I am busy painting the Bathroom. She says why? I say, because I feel like it needs a change. She makes no more comment.
She calls back 2 hours later and says - so what color is it? I say the color of the hallway, she says "I bet it looks nice" in this tone of I wish I could be there to help. Well, all the while I am thinking how proud I am of doing it. Not because she cares, but because I like it. ITs not perfect, but for a Sunday afternoon job, I am pretty happy with it. Tomorrow I will put in new hardware, and voila, a brand new bathroom. A bathroom that I like. In a way, painting over the old wallpaper with new paint felt somewhat symbolic. Oh I also replaced a door mat. I know, silly, but hey, its what I wanted.....
Now..... what else needs my "manly" touch... Oh, I have to fix the toilet. Thats not too much fun.
More tomorrow on the kid situation. Watching this one very closely.
I will see W on Tuesday for the first time since she bolted Friday. She mentioned something about us all going out to dinner. Because I have the kids, I will do it if they want. If it was just me, the answer would be "love to, but i have have something going on."
As you can tell from this post, my attitude today is much better. Not sure what will happen when I see her Tuesday, but, its got happen so I will keep my emotions in check. If i sense problems, I will posting them instead of talking to her about it.
Anyway, we shall see how Tuesday goes. I feel like I am 2 minutes into the first quarter of a very long ballgame.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
I too am working on projects around the house. Have been for awhile now. Doors trimmed at the bottom so they don't drag the carpet, hall closet cleaned and painted, finally chose hardware for the kitchen cabinets, and this weekend I cleaned the front flower beds, mulched and planted mums. The house is so damn clean and organized you'd never know my wife had stopped helping out a long time ago. But I'm stealing your thread.
Keep it up. Even those little things around the house are healthy and are helping you detach and GAL. Keep an eye on the kids, and try to be soft and reassuring.
I'll also be seeing my wife for the first time on Tuesday after she leaves tomorrow. She'll be dropping my son off after having picked him up from school. He'll be coming home to a house decorated for Halloween, and something sweet baking in the oven.
); great time to put a pot of mums on the kitchen table; what have y'all been thinking of replacing for awhile but haven't gotten to? Replace it now. Those are little ideas. What about your house would make it more comfortable/enjoyable for You? That's really the objective. I've got lots of ideas but that's me. What about YOU???? Make it about YOU now. Example: does it bother you that you don't have a place to put your briefcase and jacket when you walk in the door? Buy a halltree. See what I mean? What about YOUR house can you make suit YOU better? Do it.