Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Old "newbie" needs help FAST!!! Please respond!!

Hi everyone...

I am really in a struggle right now and I need help. I am seeing more and more that my husbands behavoir is soo much more about his ADHD/Depression trait and not about me. Yes, my behavior needs to be changed but I am not the cause of him not paying attention to me or him being emotionally unavailable. I have found a terrific website about ADHD and marriages and I’ve been reading it for the past week trying to get more insite about this trait and how this trait affects my daughter and I (the non-adhd’ers) and my marriage. I have to say that I’ve never read anything that clarified my husbands behavior before. Especially the on/off switch. When we were dating the world revolved around me and as soon as we got married….I was tossed aside like an old shoe. I now know he was displaying an ADHD trait called “hyperfocusing” on me, the courtship and the wedding planning. When the triggering event is over, focus changes and that’s that. I’ve been wondering for 5 years what I’d done to illicit this response from him. I now know that it isn’t “him” but his inability to maintain blance and fouce due to the ADHD trait. Our sex life all but stopped after the wedding and it’s been that way for the 5 years. He is completely addicted to computer games and used to spend time watching porn. I have begged, pleaded, cried, calmly explained….everything I could think of to get him to understand my needs in this marriage and also to understand what his needs were. He is unable to state what his needs are and I’m continually left in the dark. I will freely admit that my co-dependance has a great deal to do with how I deal with his emotional seperation, lack of attention, lack of loving gestures, lack of affection and lack of sex. I am working on my issues HARD and doing the best I can do keep learning about myself and to keep growing emotionally.

My husband is not getting adequate help for his issues. I am truly starting to feel like he will never change. Feeling like this is it and it’s not going to get any better. He continually tells me he wants to leave and never does. Tells me the marriage is over but talks about things that are months from now. I love my husband so much and it’s sooo difficult to not touch someone that you love and not want to crawlin bed and wrap your arms around them. He is my husband. I want to feel close to him and share life with him. THAT is not co-dependance. That is what healthy relationships are made of. My co-depencance come in when I start feeling self hatred because of his constant rejection. This is why I as a WAW spouse back in May of this year. I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt that my daughter was not seeing a healthy relationship modeled for her. Instead she was watching the type of relationship that had been modeled for me. Watching two people existing in the same house..no affection, no tenderness, no closeness…..just roommates. He had a EA that turned PA while I was gone and by the time I came back home in June, he wanted the marriage over. I’ve been DB’ing ever since.

My issue is that we have gone to counseling, we have done the Retrouvaille weekend…nothing has phased him. I believe that’s because the problem isn’t with our marriage, it’s with the fact that his ADHD trait (which he is not being treated for except for meds) is really what drives his behavior. He believes that it’s me…all me. He doesn’t love me anymore, he has no desire to try…he just wants to be left alone and not nagged, asked, pushed. He wants to isolte and wants me to leave him that way. He wants to be able to play computer games for 4-5 hours on end and wants me to say nothing about it. That’s not ok with me. Not OK by a LONG shot.

He is behind me right now, headset on, talking and laughing with other gamers while I type this. I am going to have to go to the dump, I will engage our daughter today. Today I am just bitter and so angry at him. I feel completely dooped. Like I was sold a bill of goods that was a lie. I should’ve known better. No one is THAT into anyone but with my co-depdenance I didn’t see his hyperfocus on me as a bad thing. It fed my need to be hyper loved.

As I get more clarity on my issues of needing to be loved and needing validation and practicing self love and care, I’m finding myself wondering if this marriage is worth saving. THEN I think, my daughter needs me to fight and keep this marriage alive. She has one parent who is in their right minds who wants to keep her family alive….I need to do it for her. THEN I think….but what about me…THEN I think…my childs needs come before my needs. It’s so complex and so difficult. It’s just been a REALLY hard few days.

Thanks for listening….Gina B

Just heard the greatest reminder...for all of you in relationships with spouses who are emotionally unavailable and for those who tend to have relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable. (gina jumping up and down...me me me me!!)

here is the quote I saw...."Don't go to the hardware store to buy bread". Translation...if I wouldn't go to the hardware store to buy bread, why would I constantly go to the emotionally unavialable people to meet my emotional needs? WHY WHY WHY...well, I know the reason, I'm co-dependant and still in learning the ins and outs of recovery. At least I recognize what it is that I'm doing when I'm doing it.

Just tried to share something with my husband who shut me down completely which is his norm. Why am I upset? I shouldn't be. I know he is the hardware store and I'm trying to get the bread from it. I love the fact that I have enough recovery to at least recognize it...now to get enough recovery so I STOP doing it.

Just a random thought.. Have a good afternoon everyone.

Gina B

Gina,

I have ADD, my H probably has ADD, my ex-H has ADD. ADD does not make one crazy, it does not make one incapable of love. You might even have ADD (I see hints of it in your prose, have you taken a screening test for women?)

Regardless, H's ADD is not the problem in your M. He has told you very directly what the problem is -- he does not want to be married to you. Take him at his word. That is what he feels. The source of that feeling is not yours to analyze or resolve. Quit trying to work on him.

Lot's of men his age play video games for hours on end. While you hyperfocus on making up back stories for his not wanting to be M, you seethe that he is not hyperfocused on the same thing, but instead on something else. If you don't like it, this is a mismatch in your R. But you don't need to play psychologist and try to cure him. Step out of the doctor role. And run like hell from the mommy role. Your job is to set YOUR boundaries around video gaming, not to cure or parent H.

It is up to you whether or not to wait to see if H's feelings change. It is YOUR CHOICE. So focus on whether or not you want to accept that choice, with all its risks, or not. But OWN that choice.

As for what is best for your daughter, I have NO idea. I will say that as a divorced person who was married for 17 years, there is sense of loss of much of my life as it seems premised now on something that was not real. I am somehow severed from many of my memories as they now seem inauthentic. I've heard adults whose parents get divorced voice the same kind of thing -- they feel that their whole lives were lies. I "lost" some of my time as an adult. I'm grateful that I didn't "lose" my childhood. Of course, none of the time/experiences are really lost, but there is a disconnectedness as sorrow associated with recalling that time. FWIW, and I have no credentials to support this view, nor was I the child of divorced parents, I'd rather have a childhood that I get to "keep" with divorced parents, rather than one I'd "lose" to a later divorce. I certainly believe that a healthy vibrant M is the best thing for kids. But when it comes to staying together just until the kids get older, I'm just not a big fan of that based on my own disconnect with my past. The best thing you can do for your child is to have a wonderful fulfilling life with rich, loving relationships in it. Hopefully one of those will be an M to H, but maybe it won't.

Trust me, spinning backstories and armchair analysis of H will not get you very far. Focus on yourself. Put your energies into reading some books on boundaries.

As for H, OF COURSE anyone trying to figure out what they want from life wants to be left alone, not nagged, asked, or pushed. He needs space to figure out what he wants. Again, work on giving him more space than you think he wants. How could he possibly have any desire to try when you are obsessively doing everyone's R work and then some? Have you ever offered to help some one in the kitchen and then gotten totally turned off on trying to help because the other person is doing everything?

Now, what is due to ADD is over-directness, tactlessness, combined with often laser-like intuition. Which is why I seldom post to Newcomers. I went back to tenderize (lol) my post a bit more than I had already done, but it was too late.

So, here is the tender version:

Don't worry about H. Neither of you has any hope of coming up with a clear idea of where he is and why because he hasn't even settled. Only a LOT of time will make room for you to come up with some kind of objective history. For now, give H his space and focus on you. Get a book on setting boundaries and work on it. The most important thing for you to do, for yourself and your daughter, is to take care of you right now. You don't need to make any long term decisions today. Give H AND yourself space and time when it comes to the R. For now, your emotional well-being day to day is what you must own and protect. You can't accurately predict or control the future, so focus on the present. Have a good day today.

Hey Gina,

Hope things are going better in Pittsburgh this week and you get some rest and time away. I don't think you are asking for much: Mutual respect, love, caring and understanding. I would settle for nice and normal. It is amazing to me how much they rebel like teenagers. I have taken over as part of the mothering role. Getting kids to all practices, managing their schedules. Her excuse, I took care of the kids for 10 years now it's daddy's turn. Everything turns into a competition with her. Now it is all about her self depricating humor. She will say, sorry I am not as smart as daddy in math, I can't cook as good as daddy,I am not as perfect as daddy. I am just trying to keep this household together during this mess.

Tonight my son comes down and asks me why I sleep on the couch. Is it because of me and mommy fighting. I hate to keep lying to him. It just kills me knowing the pain he will go through. How he will now be "different" when we divorce. I am using the term when now, because that is what gets me through. Just trying to accept she is gone. Gina, I really don't know who this person is that I married. She is searching for this identity and destroying everything at all costs. Just like your husband, it is only about them and no one elses feelings. Certainly not yours or your daughters.

I had to tell her tonight that beauty is only skin deep. I asked her to just stop being mean. She can be just evil sometimes. I said that I am saddened if this is part of the person she is trying to become.

The one thing Gina that keeps ringing over and over in my head is that you can't make them love us again. We can't change them. How long can you and I hold on? It isn't fair to us. It isn't fair to our kids. I don't know Gina about your husband and his adhd. I know we want to look for all these excuses for their behavior. They are who they are now. We can love them from afar for only so long. I know you and I are not calling it yet, but we can't just let this go on for years. Our kids and us deserve to see love.

My wife takes the strongest dosage of effexor. I wanted to blame it on her depression, her temper. She drinks 3 to 4 glasses of wine a night, with a sleeping pill and her antidepressants. I wanted to think it was because she is becoming an alcoholic as well. I can see how her demeanor changes as soon as she has that second glass of wine. She all of a sudden will get happy. Then something I did, said, etc..will bring that change. Like she has been waiting all day for the evilness to come out. I do walk away sometimes. Tonight I couldn't. The things she accused me of were so vulgar, I had to question her stability.

I just think that it is who they are now. Selfish, mean, uncaring. I do see it now that the person she is now is something that has been trying to come out of her for a long time. I can see she was holding it down for years. This person is ugly inside.

Tomorrow is another day. Another day to show my kids I love them. That is a gift we do have. I know you are doing the same.

Hang in there Gina. You are strong. You have made it this far.

Take Care,

Danny.

Oldtimer:

Thanks as always for your response. I have been tested for ADD but a LONG time ago. I was told that I didn't have it. I tend to "overthink" things. LOL Like I needed to tell you that. I do everyones work but my own. I am really starting to see that through my CoDA program.

After events of this weekend and last night, I really have been left with little choice except to focus on myself. It becomes clearer and clearer to me that I have not a clue what my H is thinking. And, truthfully, it isn't my job to know.

I am challenged where boundries are concerned and I'll tell you why. I confuse boundries with ultimatums. That might not be the right way to put it so I will explain a bit. My husband is on the computer non stop. This isn't just lately, since our marital woes started...it's been like this for a long time. I have a serious issue with this. I would actually like to spend some alone time with him at least every so often. That rarely happens. So, when we talked about "trying" to save the marriage he put boundries in place around specific people in my life and behaviors taht I have that he wouldnt tolerate. I put one contrecte boundries on him which was that he couldn't see the OW or he needed to move out. Other than that, I stated needs such as, cutting down the gaming/computer time and perhaps a date night once a week to watch a movie, play a game, etc. This has happened once or twice in the past two months. I tried to make my needs known.

I have been able to set boundries with my brother who has abused me in the past and I've stuck with them. I have even managed boundries at work. With my husband, it's another matter entirely. I'm not sure how I set boundries around the gaming. I agree that the mothering and armchair psycho analysis has to end. It's a poisen in our relationship and effects us both very negatively.

It's very hard to concentrate on myself when I'm laying in bed waiting for a car to drive in the driveway because he's 4 hours past the time he said he would be home......but I"m trying. I'm just struggeling right now....and that's ok. At least I'm trying and I'm committed to doing what I can to allow enough light in for a healthy marriage to grow.

Thanks again,

Gina B

Hi there Danny:

I leave for PIT in the morning and it's a whirlwind tour. In and out the same day. I have to get to BDL by 5:30..YIKES. That means I have to get up at 4am. UGH. I'm going to watch some of the Biggest Loser and get myself to bed.

This past weekend really shaped up quite nicely. He went to a fair with us and we literally spent a whole day doing as a family what DD and I usually do alone each weekend. We picked our her Halloween costume and actually ended up making love on Sunday night. Very passionate and steamy. He even went to a family event with me Sunday. I didn't ask him to do any of this. This was all intiated by him. THEN...Monday comes and I take the day off of work because DD's daycare is closed. He ends up going bowling and coming home in teh wee hours of this morning. No explaination...jsut out with the guys. He's smelling of cologne and wearing his "watch out ladies, here I come" shirt. This morning he never even said goodmorning and now kiss/hug goodbye which has been standard. Freeze out completely. I text him two things about insurance and DD today with no response. So.....I come home expecting Mr. freeze but it's instead just a small cold front. I'm back to the roommate that helps pay the mortgage. LOL

This makes me realize that Oldtimer is so right. I really need to concentrate on my needs and what I want and getting my self respect and self love back. These last 7 months have taken a great deal out of me and I need to get my head back on straight and I have to do that if I stay married or not.

So, today, even though I had very little sleep from staying up laying in bed staring at the ceiling, I kicked butt at work and came home, ate a good dinner and played with my girl. I just put her to bed and tucked her in. I really didn't want to face today...but I did and I managed to get through in pretty darn good style. Now, I'm off to PIT tomorrow for a bit of a change of scenery.

You hang in there too sweetie. We're doing the best we can and we are in really horrible situations. We need to give ourselves a bit of a break and say "Hey, this really sucks" but then we have to get back up and get back to doing he work on us that still needs doing.

I'm doing something sort of crazy this week. I"m submitting a tape to Oprah for her Karoke contest. I sing...not like I sing in the shower but I really can sing. So, a bunch of my friends want me to submit and are all cheering me on. I'm sure nothing will come of it but I'm excited none the less.

That's my challenge for each week. To find one thing that excites and challenges me. You in???

Take care buddy...have a good rest of the week and I'll talk to you on the flip side of PIT.

{{{HUGS}}} Gina B

Hmmmm.... Well, if you wondered enough to be tested before, you might want to google about the difficulty of diagnosing ADD (especially without the hyperactive component) in gifted women.

Mine wasn't diagnosed until I had to get my dissertation done, other coping mechanisms had sufficed until a certain level of challenge. But, once I was diagnosed, it made a huge difference, I mean HUGE, and explained a lot about my life. So, I'm just sayin, might be worth another look...

Consider this quote, for instance: "Because people with ADD (ADHD) tend to be "reactive" to their environment, women with ADD (ADHD) may face a particularly difficult challenge when they try to stop focusing on the expectations of others and focus more on their own needs and desires." from one of the pages here: http://www.addvance.com/help/women/index.html

Here's a quick quiz: http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/adhd-asrs/index.html

BTW, things like doodling, writing grocery lists, planning vactions, etc... while in meetings count as "can't keep still" even if you aren't shaking your leg, lol.

Oldtimer:

I'm definately going to look at the test and the site. Thanks for the information. I wasn't aware of the difficulity in diagnosing...maybe because I don't think of myself as gifted.

I was always looking around my AP classes thinging "Somebodys going to realize the mistake they've made and yank me out of here." LOL...no one did but there were days when I was certain they would.

The statement about the meeting was so funny because I was in PIT at an all day training session and I'm allowed to keep my computer on and had to sit on my hands at one point so that I didn't start IM'ing other coworkers or answer emails. I always have to be "in motion". Or I should say that my brain always has to be engaged. Very interesting stuff.

Thanks, really. Gosh, wouldn't it be great if I was and I got help and it helped me cope with the issues in my marriage without wanting to dig my eyeballs out of my skull? Although I would be a popular Halloween attraction if it came to that. Sorry, couldn't resist a little holiday humor.

Take good care...

Gina B

"I was always looking around my AP classes thinging "Somebodys going to realize the mistake they've made and yank me out of here." LOL...no one did but there were days when I was certain they would."

The FRAUD feeling is classic, classic, classic ADD. Oh yes, I know the fraud feeling.

So is being perhaps overly direct and tactless, some might say.

And, I think I was in my late 30s when my C mentioned to me that not everyone thinks all the time. I HAD NO IDEA. Truly. What do you do if you don't think all the time?? Some people spend significant amounts of time not really thinking about stuff. WHO KNEW? It struck me as bizarre and probably untrue until I started checking with people. Turns out my C was right, lol.

I fear I can already see ADD with DD3. She can't fall asleep at night because she is so creative and can't stop thinking about the next chapter in whatever story we're making up, thinking ahead to what will happen next...