Thanks for checking in on me, and thanks for the support. It means more than you know to hear your words.
I have been peeking over my shoulder and I don't want to do that anymore......
Just one thing though. I know you will probably 2 x 4 me, but I really want to put a letter on her car windshield. I wrote it if only for therapeutic purposes but would like to give it to her.
It's not mean or nasty, just basically saying that I don't understand how she can be having a relationship with a married man, as a Christian, woman, and human being how she can be disrespecting me like that. And also telling her that i hope when she is married someday and has problems with her H, another woman doesn't step in and try to replace her. And that I hope that she has really thought about what she is doing in this messed up situation. And that I can't imagine that this situation gives her good feelings or peace in her heart....
I don't know if I've really lost my mind so I'm not doing anything for a couple of weeks. But I will contemplate it.
Thoughts???
Yeah: DON'T DO IT. It only elevates her in importance, and makes you look weak, sad to say.
Funny thing, H just called and left a message. He said he saw that I called last night and "I didn't have my phone on, uh, I mean the ringer on" and then proceeded to tell me about watching the Bachelor on Jimmy Kimmel (he knows I like that crazy show).
What slime.
He forgot to mention that he was cuddled up with OW while watching Jimmy Kimmel.
How do you suggest I plan this talk. Approach it nonchalantly and ask him to grab some dinner? Then bring it up? I don't think I want to sit around and chit chat after that convo.
But I don't want to call him and forewarn him by saying "Can you come over so we can talk?" Then he will be all paranoid. I want to catch him by surprise.......
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
Nah, I say LET the paranoia get work on him! In fact, tell him "there's something we need to talk about," and then don't set it up until a DAY AFTER TOMORROW. If he asks what it's about, just say "We can get into it then."
Don't send it. I have written a ton of these letters, and (almost) always deleted or shredded them. Looking back with more clarity and a saner mind, I am always glad when I did not send them.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
H is calling again - I never called him back from this AM's message from him.
He's used to me responding right away....
I need to call him back to set up the discussion.....I will tell him that I want to talk to him but that I'm going to be stuck at work late - how about tomorrow?
He called to say he wants to take the dog for a walk and he says he's bored out of his mind....(he's on a week break from school)
If he's so bored, why doesn't he just call his GF?????
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
I did talk to H, told him I wanted to talk this week - maybe tomorrow night. Of course he asked 3 times what I wanted to talk about and I told him "just some things" and after the 3rd time I said "If I wanted to talk about it on the phone, I would" To which he said Ok.
Now on to what to say-
I want to start with something like, "It's been 8 months since we split up and I have given you your space. You told me that you would be clearing your head. I now know that you are having an intimate relationship with OW and I don't feel that this has anything to do with clearing your head. It doesn't matter how I know, I just know. I have been trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, and giving you your space. I no longer see your actions as honorable, I see them as unacceptable as a married man. I am finished being your friend, because even friends don't disrespect each other like that. Don't call me anymore, don't ask to see our dog, etc. I am finished enabling your actions."
Anyone have any advice???? Am I missing something? I want to say something like, "you need to file," or "as much as you would like, we are not going to live like this forever"....
Any thoughts would be great.
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
I think what you've got here is spot-on PERFECT. I wouldn't change a word of it.
Furthermore, I would not feel obligated to address filing one way or another. If he asks you "Do you want a divorce?" just say "No, but I'm no longer willing to live with a third person in our marriage." If he asks you what you're going to DO about it, just say "I'm not sure yet. Right now, I'm just letting you know what my boundaries are, and telling you that the deceit has to stop, because it's incredibly disrespectful to me and our marriage."
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Whatever you do, do NOT reveal ANY of your sources of intel. If he asks you how you know, just say "I'm not going to say -- but I do know," or some such. If he asks you why you won't tell him, just say "Because I don't want to."
Try not to come across as angry or vindictive. Be matter-of-fact, and if at any point you tear up and become upset, that's OK too, so long as you can get it back together. You can tell him you love him, but only do it ONCE if you can.
Really, the tone and content you've struck above is perfect. "Less is more" when it comes to these things. You're better off repeating the above two or three times over than you are expanding upon it.
Finally, if he asks you something you can't answer, just say "I'm not prepared to answer that right now," or even "I'm not sure.
Make sure to be the one to end the conversation. The whole thing shouldn't go on for more than 20 minutes or so.
