MLCers have what I referred to as "pockets of sanity". Fleeting moments when they know something serious is going on with them and that they are behaving very badly and making very bad decisions that they might not be able to undo. Those moments don't come in the beginning of a MLC though. They begin well into the ride, when the consequences start raining down. Still, denial remains the strongest player in the MLC. And keeping the mirror on everyone and everything but themselves allows the MLCer to blame everyone and/or everything BUT themselves.
It's the emotional stuff that they can't even explain to themselves that causes the withdrawal. The other person enters as a distraction, a band-aid if you will. Something, anything, to make them "feel" better. Most of the time, those people end up to be collateral damage. Innocent bystanders (although of questionable morals many times) that get swept up in the storm. They are not the root of the problem. They are a symptom.
Amy40, your posts really resonate with me. I'm relatively new in the S and DB process, but because I'm older than most here, I think my perspective is a bit less emotional or reactive, and more reflective. What you've said on this thread is so true to my experience with, and my gut understanding of, this process. I look forward to hearing more of your wisdom.
J3B weighed in early on my thread that I seemed really well grounded. Now that I've seen more of him here and on recent threads, I realize what a compliment that was. Thanks, J, but don't abandon me yet!
Sorry for the hijack, drewnole. You do seem to be doing really well. Keep moving forward. There is so much help here.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
For me one of the biggest blessings from this MLC journey is the much stronger bond I have formed with my kids and the much deeper appreciation I have for them. Just that alone makes it worth it . . .
Drew, you are getting some great advice and seem to be doing so well so far!
Since today is Friday, I have to sit and wait for my ex to text me and let me know when she will pick up our S on Saturday.
Friday's should be fun days. Unfortunately, waiting for texts makes me anxious. She never comes to pick up our son at the same time each week. I feel like she is trying to control me in some way. I feel like I can't make any plans in advance.
Is that a MLC trait? She tells me that she is not coming back, but yet I feel like she is trying to control me by not being consistent.
drew The mlcer os so self absorbed and it gets worse as they travel the tunel from my experience with my xh he was more consistant in the start of this than now they want to be free..no control,,no schedules their time is their own..just like a carefree teen my xh does not appear on the outside to be bothered by his inconsistancy to our kids they rationalize it in some way and of course his ow wife has totally abandoned her child --so its all normal in a mlc world
enjoy your son my R is also stronger with my kids it is hard in the begining all the hurt the MLC causes us it gets easier as time travels peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I have asked myself the same question a million times. I do thing they try in subtle ways to control us and I think that we allow it because we don't want to make too many waves.
Could you either tell her you need an established time, and choose one that works for you, or text her first simply asking when she is coming instead of waiting on pins and needles?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
