You raise an excellent question "Why can't you just be still, and do nothing" especially since I really want our M/R to work out in the end. I guess it's because of all of the advice and guidance that have been on the Forums. Many of the tough love camp members all say to prepare for the D, and even Christine of Path Partners have advised me to force the choice on her now so that we can at least see where my W's head is really at.
The problem for me is that I haven't been able to detach as much asI would like because I also have codependency issues with my W. I am like the spouse of an alcoholic/addict. I make up excuses for her and I tolerate everything, even to the point of being emotionally abused, and I do this without even knowing that I do this! Some emotional detachment has worked, but it's also changed nothing with her EA.
My S21 and S17 have told me that she has been walking all over me. They have emotionally detached from her themselves already and call her an alien. They told me to "man-up" (today's generation for "stand up and be a man"). If I am to get better, I need time away fromm my W so that I can work on my issues and getting better.
Me:49 W:49 M:26.5 years S21, S17 Bomb: around 2004 ILYBINILWY EA: 07-2009
Tell everyone to shut the F**K up and keep ther opinions to themselves.
Only you can make the "right" choice for yourself, and as it is YOUR marriage, you are the one that has to live wth the choice you make, not anyone else.
What does your gut tell you to do?
Too many answers and solutions from too many people will live you spinning and confused.
IF YOU FORCE YOUR WIFE INTO A CORNER IT WILL BE THE WORST MISTAKE YOU WILL MAKE
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I am glad that you brought up this topic as alot of us wrestle with what is the right decision to make. My husband started his A 9 months ago (MLC about year and a half now). I found this website 2 months in and started Db techniques. He lives at home, is in the same bed, will even snuggle, has said that he loves me. I thought things were moving in a positive direction. Then just last night I found plans for his vacation (planned long time ago) are now going to include OW. We own our own business so taking separate vacations have happened in past. He left out a folder which included what he needed to pack including 'OW sunscreen, etc." I wondered if him leaving out the folder was supposed to get a reaction from me since it was so obvious. I had wondered if he was planning on going with her, but it wasn't out in the open. Now he knows that I know. I surprised myself by calmly keeping my mouth shut. If it hadn't been so blatant, I was going to let it go, not ask him about the vacation and continue DB techniques. But it seems like leaving out the info was a test. So, is it time for tough love? I too have read that it doesn't work for MLC so I'd love to hear anyones opinion. If he was spending 90% of his time with me, do I throw that out the window? Or was I 'winning' since he only gave OW two weekends a month?
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
By tough love I was going to tell him that real life included our marriage, our house and our business. That if he came home from vacation it meant that he wanted to work on the Marriage and not see OW any more. If he wanted his fantasy life, then he needed to find a place to live and a new job. I was thinking of saving my self esteem, but I also feel like I would be throwing him into OW's arms. That is the confusing part! Db techniques seemed to be working, except now he's going to spend an entire week with her.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
I was just going to add that I surprised mostly myself last night by NOT blowing up and throwing him out immidiately. When I first found out about the PA I literally almost killed myself. But eventually this website helped me gain perspective and that I could view this unemotionally was big surprise to me. I can recognize that he is in replay (last knew OW when he was 16yrs old) and even thought of Snodderlys comments of 'make some popcorn and watch the MLC happen." I feel like I want to say "I know what you are doing, I know why you are doing it, even if you don't." In the past he has denied PA to any direct questioning, but finding the folder there was nothing he could say. That's why I wasn't sure if this was the right time to act and take a stand. It bothers me to just leave it with no comment at all, even if I don't end up asking him to leave.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
My gut (as well as my discussions with my W) tells me that without my W wanting to work on the M/R, there is no marriage. As of now, nothing is happening that benefits our M/R. If I leave everything as-is and just do nothing, my gut tells me that she will continue to cake-eat and I will continue to grow on my own through all that I read and my therapy sessions. My W and I will continue to drift apart, and my kids continue to see the destruction that my W is causing on all of us. My gut (and my head) tells me to let her go, the sooner the better, and I am codependent with her and I am addicted to her. My heart tells me to save the M/R because I want my old life with her back, but I know that she isn't coming back now that she's embarked on her MLC process. My gut tells me that I need some time away from her so that I can heal. Just being around her is hindering and slowing my own growth.
I actually haven't forced her into a corner. She is initiating the divorce because of her emotional outbursts. I am simply letting it happen, and even telling her I welcome it. She is choosing the timing of it. It is her decision.
Me:49 W:49 M:26.5 years S21, S17 Bomb: around 2004 ILYBINILWY EA: 07-2009
You're looking to help new LBS to this...that is comendable.
AND hard to do.
While every MLCer is the mostly the same in generalities, the similarities break down in the specifics.
And that is just for an MLCer.
The tactics needed to confront an MLC vary based upon the MLC...yes some things are standard, but the when to use them, when to do them...this is a fine line.
Not to mention the differnce between a mild MLC and a severe MLC, a WAS (Walk away Spouse) in all their variations and that is not even taking into account their history or personality.
There is no one size fits all answer. Newcomers gives you 'tough love' advice...MLC gives you take it as long as you can advice. Seperated is a bit of both...
Do not be afraid to find out from the people giving advice, how their marriage or lack therefore of is working out based on their advice. Truth be told...some of that tough love advice? Someone would be in a lye pit if that was tried on me.
As for trying to convince you to stay married? Screw that. If anyone has to convince you who searched out and found this site to stay married...you aren't going to be able to hack the REALLY hard parts of this.
Planners have the hardest time doing this, the landmarks to progress are few and far between, and most planners need that.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
IF YOU FORCE YOUR WIFE INTO A CORNER IT WILL BE THE WORST MISTAKE YOU WILL MAKE
yes it will backfire big time
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
