Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Do I even care what happens anymore?

Is this the start of detachment? Or some stage in dealing with these MLC-ers or WAS-ers? I'm starting to feel really different about the whole separation and kinda about my whole life in general. I feel like that guy from the Office Space movie who walked around after his hypnosis just letting everything roll off his back - no worries. I'm not sure I really care what happens or if we stay together.

I've made plenty of mistakes in our marriage and I want to keep up the changes in behavior for myself....but also I am beginning to see that the big "Separation" isn't hardly different than the supposed "Marriage" was. H has been building that wall and pushing me away for so, so long....I guess the fact that we still had great sex once in awhile fooled me into thinking that at some point something would improve. It kept me on trying to work on the marriage even though he just sat there with his walls growing ever higher - pushing me away with no affection, masterbating daily but not respecting my high sex drive, some porn of course, treating me like I was constantly on his case even though I'd scaled back on trying to discuss our problems to about once a month, and breaking my trust because he'd say he couldn't read my mind so I'd specifically tell him what I needed...then he would go to use that information against me to do the opposite! (Yes, folks there is more!...but won't drag on - you get the idea.)

Is it any wonder that I found it hard to appreciate him or treat him like the hero that a husband wants to be treated like?!? When was I ever treated as a wife? What I've realized is that so many of my expectations of marriage were very,very normal and pretty basic but he made me feel like I was abnormal and overly demanding.

I wonder if cutting off sex is just some escalation of the game he's been playing with me for years? I don't want to think so negative but maybe he's relying on me trying to go out of my way to fix things ...with me not "on his back" and having no expectations of him, he's been awful happy lately and showing no signs of trying to move out of the house - even stated that he had no specific plans in mind. When we had problems in the past I never left him and always did my part and more to try to make things work even though I was unhappy & lonely and came very close to being a Walk-away-wife myself. But I stayed because of the children and because I loved him.

I have to thank him at least for the lessons I've learned in how men communicate and think if I get married again I'll be a much sweeter wife and also one who won't put up with all I've put up with here....but he's opened a bigger can of worms than he's realized if he thinks I'm going to put all this effort into our relationship anymore. I think there will be some "R" talks coming up in the near future but not ones with the purpose of trying to carefully save anything - if this R is over anyway then I'm going to speak out on my feelings as I feel like it. I'm going to do whatever I feel guided by God to do.

I really feel like no matter what happens God is telling me that I and my kids are going to be okay. I am enjoying the small things in my life, I'm giving up worrying, and I just really don't have any investment anymore in what happens to our marriage.

Sounds like you have being doing some deep and meaningful thinking, Buttercup.

I applaud your position and think it enviable. I wish that I could get to the point at which you are at.

Like you, I am fed up of pussyfooting around H and I feel that I want to speak out about my feelings. Chance would be a fine thing! I am working with C next week on how to channel some of this rage in a way that will work for me ... bring it on! I am like a fizzy bottle ready to explode.

I trust that you will be OK, like us all. What doesn't kill us is supposed to make us stronger and I should be like Ironman with all the sh*t I have had to deal with in my lifetime. I thought that it was plain sailing when I married H but I never knew that the ship would be named the Marie Celeste after 17 years of our voyage ... ha! the irony is not wasted on me there ... seing that it's the tramps name.

You have your faith in God - that must be comforting. It will see you through to better times and I hope that you have others who are here on the earth who will help you too.

God bless.

Thanks Nell for your supportive words! I have been trying to get past my ego and listen to God's guidance (or if you don't believe in God then call it that inner guide that comes from peace & wisdom)...well I got an answer back on what action to take on these feelings and it's very unexpected. But coming from where I'm at with wondering if the marriage should be saved...I have nothing to lose really. The outcome of trying God's guidance will be whatever it needs to be. Afraid that if I type it here I'll think about it too hard and chicken out so will update later.

Looking at my posts I see I'm too negative today. I'm going to try not to do or say anything drastic to H until I'm coming from a more positive attitude!

Hi BC

You definitely have been doing a lot of soul searching and thinking. We all have and have had negative days that is a normal part of the situations we have all found ourselves in. Best to go with the flow of a negative day, but make the decision to not remain that way for longer than a day. It gives you a chance then to see things a bit more clearly in a better frame of mind rather than a negative one.

Thanks OZ! I know I'm not perfect and I'm not going to do everything perfectly everyday...although it's always been one of my problems in realizing that I am allowed to have faults like other people. I almost feel like this is some type of step-by-step process I'm on....maybe some mlc version of the grieving process? Just wish I knew what "step" I'm on and what to expect next! No idea what to expect from H although considering my negative, deep though attitude - I'm glad he offered to pick-up and cook dinner. I'm also glad I've gotten until 9pm and avoided any R talk or other blow-up. Guess I should get to bed soon to ensure it stays that way!

I appreciate your support! It's been a real blessing to me to have joined the board in time to see your crisis and reunion...it helps me understand that I need to take it day by day and things that seem bad might really not be.
I pray I'll eventually be joining you in building a new & better relationship. (And if heaven forbid not...then I will have no regrets!)

Going good so far today-getting better at finding new things to try our that "old me" never or rarely did. It's kinda fun trying to think of new things to do that break my routine! Sometimes just little things but even that can be fun. Hmmm what new little things can I try doing today?...

I'm also surprised that even though I have no OM and H has "rejected" me (he thinks)....I am feeling more & more sexy!
H's long time period of distance in our marriage had soooo eaten up most of my "mojo" over the years....but now it's quickly returning! It's amazingly great to feel like a woman again! (Wonder if this is why some women have affairs?)

The answer to that last question is: yes.

Thanks, I think it's sad that women don't have the knowledge of how to do this in their marriage instead of turning to affairs! Someone should write a book? Not me...I'm not even totally sure what particular new things seem to be working for me....but not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

I think it is very healthy to question whether it is best for you to be with him. I've often been so focused on trying to make the marriage work that I didn't spend enough time considering that it might be better if the marriage ended.

I don't have the link anymore, but a while back I copied this post from Kristi R.