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Gina and D1:

Our children are nothing short of miracles for us. Last night my five year old son thanked me for taking him to the Buckeyes football game last weeekend. He also stated "Dad...you're the best...I love you" and then gave me a bear hug. Priceless!!! If you think about it, our spouses can be replaced. The same can not be said in regards to our kids.

Good night,
LFH

LFH:

Thanks for that. Yes, my DD is only 4 but has the wisdom of a 40 year old. She is the reason I get up and breath in and out on some days. Today was the last day of a HUGE country fair that DD, H and I have gone to every year and today I took her alone. It was so hard to do and the first 10 minutes was almost more than I could bare. You look around and see all these people holding hands and kids on daddy's shoulders, etc. I just thought that I was like a blinking yellow sign that said "Marital crisis. Forcing myself to not to cry and have fun for DD's sake" But, I got her on a pony and then the next thing and the next thing and before ya know it, the day was over and I did what I thought I couldn't do and I did it for her.

I am one of those women who only ever wanted to be a mom. I waited until I was 39 to have her. She is my miracle baby. I have struggled with weight issues and have lost over 130 lbs int he past 4 years...with 62 left to go. I always wondered if she deserved to have a momma that couldn't run or pull her sled of a hill, etc. Well, this year I will be able to do all of that and I went on rides with her today and ran around like kid..and I did it with a broken heart just so that she could say that she went to the Big E like all the other kids in her class. I slayed personal dragons because of her today. I'm so proud of myself that no amount of rejection from H tonight can dampen my spirits. I was a mom that my daughter can be proud of have. I earned another notch on my mom belt today.

So, yes, she saves my life every day...in every way a person can be saved.

Thanks for the sweet response.

Gina B

Well Gina B, I am glad you are doing so well with the wight issues. I know your daughter would be proud of you know matter what.

Today was a bad day Gina. I can finally detach. My W was away this weekend. Waiting the whole weekend for answer if she was going to Retrouville. I finally get a text that she sold her first house as a realtor and she needed me to be home by 6 tomorrow. Nothing mentioned about us. I responded with an OK. She responded with I am not going to retrouville and that she wants a divorce. She said you will never support me with anything.

Gina, How many times are they going to be mean to us, then they want us to be happy for them? I just couldn't say congratulations..All I needed was a call to say I want to go to retrouville. Instead I guess I just gave her an excuse to not go. She said that she was going to go if I would have been happy for her. Maybe I knew deep down that she didn't want to go. That I just gave her the out because I didn't want to be led on anymore. I wanted the pain to end. When I went to go pick up the kids tonight after our talk(where she didn't even cry), they saw me sad, they started to cry. So it was a horrible night. They kept asking my wife and I if we were getting a divorce. The pain is just now begining for my children. Their little faces with the pain I saw tonight is almost too much to bear. It is really over. And by the way, she canclled retroville with a text. She couldn't even call me.

Sorry to hear that D1. As a realtor, I can tell you, it's a long way to go before she earns the paycheck on her sale. And the same is true of her decision to divorce. It's not over yet.

I just couldn't be happy for her. I could have responded I am proud of you. Nice job. She knew I have been waiting a week for an answer if she really wanted to go to retrouville. She said such mean things the last two weeks. Then she wants me to be happy for her that she is selling a house(how without a realestates license I have no idea. She is working with a friend that probably is probably giving her something for it??). Anyway, I just said OK. I just wanted her to want to go. She told me last night that before that she was going to say yes that she wanted to go. I guess I knew if she did, it would just perpetuate the inevitable. I can't make her love me again...That weekend wouldn't have changed how she felt about me. She may have stayed awhile longer, but it wouldn't have made her love me again.

Danny:

I cannot tell you how sorry I am that you..and the kids..are going through this. I'm sure that it must have been a very, very bad day for you all. Her response and the way in which she responded showed very little respect for your feelings. The truth is, WAS seem to not care much for our feelings. It's sort of all about them. They just simply can't see past what they think, feel, need, or want.

I just want to understand one thing...your wife has her Real Estate license..or at least passed her test and everything, right? She just sold her first house? That is sort of a big deal. I'm just talking straight and hopefully you can straighten me out if I'm wrong but I think she did deserve a congrats or something along those lines. You didn't have to go overboard or anything...just a "I knew you could do it, congrats" sort of thing. She seems to me like she needs to be validated by you. LIke she believes that you hold all the "strings" and she's got nothing and is nothing and you are the career guy, etc. I"m sure none of this is how you deliberately make her feel but I sense that she feels that way none the less. One thing I've learned is that WAS, it's not about what's real. It's about what they perceive is real.

Now, she may never have wanted to go to Retrouvaille in the first place and may be using this as her "accuse" as she said. EAsier to blame you than to man up and just say "I dont want to go". In all of this though,I think the one thing I feel about her is that shes trying to find who she is and part of who she believes she is is in your validation of her. Am I making sense? I am not taking her side, I'm not making excuses for her thoughtless, hurtfull behavior. I'm just trying to show you a side that you might not be looking at.

The bottom line to all of this is the kids. Deliberate or not, she is hurting them horribly and that's what is the most difficult and painful as the LB parent. To watch as your spouse destroys the family word by word.

I know that you say it's over and it seems like you mean it. Just remember, if you do feel like you have some fight left, she hasn't actually filed yet. These were just words so far. Nothing more.

I know you have been on the end of your rope for a long, long time. I'm just going to throw this out there. If she wants a divorce, let her reap the consequences for those words. Be cordial yet as removed as possible...detach as much as you can with love and respect and just let it go. By letting go you are fighting for you. You cannot control her and only you so be the father that your children will respect through all of this. I'm not saying not to feel terrible...you have the right to..but do what you can to make those children feel that you are someone that they can count on and respect through this. Just do the best you can to get through each day thinking of them and of yourself.

I wish I had better words to make you hurt less. You are a very strong man and you are trying hard....I am just so terribly sorry that this is happening to you.

We're all here to help you through this..whether you decide to commit to being hopeful until the end...or decide that this is what needs to happen. We're here and I am here to listen.

For the next few days be gentle with yourself. Allow youself to be sad and hurt and angry and then do what you can to focus your energy on the things that you can control and that give you joy...mainly the kids. We sure do love our kids, don't we.

Wishing you peace for the continued journey..wherever it takes you...

Talk soon...Gina B

Hey Gina

She just started studying a couple weeks ago for her realestate license. She is working with an exboyfriend of hers. He is helping her get going, so I believe he is giving her some properties to show.

Gina, I know she deserved a congratulations. I don't disagree with you. I looked at the text that she sent, I thought about my reply. I just couldn't say it. The hurt has been so deep that I replied with simply an OK. I guesss if it has taken 5 months to get to this point and she hasn't decided if she wants to work on it for the kids. Then last monday I asked her she wanted to really go to retrouville, After 7 days she still couldn't give me an answer, I guess I just didn't have it in me to be happy for her. Maybe deep down, I wanted the pain to end so I could detach. That if we did go to retrouville, it would just perpetuate this for another several months until we got to this point again? Did I expect that reaction--no? I just felt if it took her this long to decide, she didn't want to go. She wanted it to end.

I know that she has needed a sense of mission. She has said that she needs to make something of herself. She says that she is doing this for the boys. That I will never be supportive of anything she has done. The fact is that I have been supportive on so many things. She chooses to remember the times I wasn't. Such as:

-When she wanted us to spend $10,000 on an invention she wanted to market. I went to an attorney and the costs were even more than that. I went to a patent website and it was already invented.

-She wanted us to buy a $650,000 house. We could only afford a $450,000 house.

These are a couple of things that I had to make the call on. She started paying the bills finally and she admitted yesterday that I was right, we spend more than I bring in. I said I don't want to be right, I just want you to understand I wasn't this controlling guy. She then accused me of hiding money. I said you have got to be kidding, lets look at my w2.

What if did say congratulations. It wouldn't have made her love me again. I guess I knew that. Nothing I have said and done in the last 5 and 1/2 months has made one bit a difference.

She never tried for the kids. I can never forgive her for that. It has been an emotional day. Last night I just cried and cried. I know that I will make it through. I just look at my sons and they have no idea what pain lies ahead. My W can only see her needs. You are right, she is trying to find out who she is. But she didn't have to throw me out to do that. I would have been 110% supportive. But the only path she ever saw was alone. I just couldn't be happy for someone who has hurt me this bad and said that she doesn't care if she hurt me, love me...

Thanks Gina.

Your friend,

Danny.

Good morning Danny:

I have a friend whos husband has been in and out of every "business plan" known to man. He has wasted their money,his parents money, her parents money....with nothing but HUGE debt to show for it. This guy always tells my friend that "she doesn't support him" and I know that he knows that isn't true. I think he's just so guilty that, again, it's easier to blame this on my friend than for him to take a look at himself.

My husband comes from a very,very poor family and, by their standards, we are rich. By my standards, we are hanging on by our finger tips and I lay awake and wonder every day how I'm going to pay for things we desperately need. My husband always is unhappy with what he has and always wants newer, better, faster, etc. He is never just content with what he has. He has ADHD and that's a HUGE symptom of that. I'm not suggesting your wife has that, I"m just saying that I really relate to having to sort of "parent" the financial stability of your lives together. I know for a fact that the parental aspect of our lives has led my H to be very angry with me...as if I'm controlling him. But he also admits that one of the things that attracted him to me was that I was a go-getter and really good with money. We have gone through ATV's and cars and techno-gadgets galore. Money has just been squandered and wasted on me trying to get him to the next "happy" place.

I don't do that anymore. I'm really, really doing my best to detach and let him face the consequences of his actions. He has a seperate checking account which is always overdrawn and then I find him taping into our joint account to cover the money he's overspent. So, I want to ask him to separate the accounts so that he cannot be covered. I don't quite have the strength to have that talk yet, but I know I"m getting there quickly.

I am sick of living as cordial friends and not getting anything in return. It's sooooo hard to be this strong when you want so much to be loved and cared for. I want to be valued. I know that I'm not supposed to base my value on how others value me but, ya know, it would really be nice to get a hug in the kitchen and know that my H feels a connection with me. I feel nothing from him right now....and I"m really not sure if he'll ever be able to give it to me. The words from our M therapist (which we no longer go to) ring in my ear very loud and clear...."Gina, I don't believe that he has the emotional maturity to engage in any type of mature, healthy, loving relationship. I suspect even friendships are difficult for him. Not now, maybe not ever. Especially if he's not willing to work on himself instensly. So you need to decided if you can live like this or not".

You and I have our kids so we have tolerated sooo much for their sakes, trying to keep the family unit together. Sometimes, I think that I'm actually doing more harm than good. I wonder if my daughter is being more damaged by seeing a marriage that isn't a marriage. She doesn't see us be affectionate anymore, she rarely experiences times where both of us are engaging with her, etc. By seeing this, I'm teaching her how relationships with men, work. I'm afraid I'm not modeling the most healthy relationship for her. I watched my parents (married 55 years) live a marriage where they stayed for the kids and had a horrible relationship. They argure constantly and I knew that the relationship was horrible. When I WAW in May, I said "this for my daughter. The line of women in my family who aren't shown love and respected ends with me. My daugther will not see what I've seen". I came back because I knew there was a lot of selfishness in my act even though I "thought" it was for her. Days like the other day when she wanted Daddy so badly to go with us to the fair and he wouldn't...those are the days that I really wonder what the heck I'm doing. But, right now, I'm in it and I guess I'll know when I'm at the end of my rope. I guess I just wish, once in my life, I had a man who self sacrificed for me and slayed dragons for me. I know that's Cinderella kind of stuff but every once in a blue moon would be awesome.

I'm sort of glad that you've been crying. Many men wouldn't and you really need to. This sucks and you need to feel the pain to get through on the other side. Going around something is easier sometimes but going through it is what builds character and heals you from the inside out. Whatever the outcome, you will emerge from this stronger, wiser, better...

I'm praying for you and the kids. Try and have a good day and know we/I are thinking of you and here for you.

Take care of yourself Danny...really...take good care.

{{{hugs}}} Gina B

Hey Gina,

I know what you are saying that you are sick of living as cordial friends. The only "value" I get right now is from my sons. I feel nothing from my wife as well and you know what, I am starting to feel nothing for her right now. Since she said she really wants a divorce sunday, I am starting to feel better. No more watching what I say or do. Trying to be this person she wants me to be. No more "I can hug you as a friend stuff" "I don't love you" Fine--I don't care anymore...

Last night, she wanted to start a fight with me saying the same crap she always says....I said you know what, I am watching a new show "hank" the one with Kelsey Grammar and it's funny. Why don't you just sit down and laugh with me instead of yelling...Then she went up stairs and locked the door. The me of three days ago would have followed her up to try and defend and talk to her. I just didn't care last night.

They don't have the emotional maturity to deal with things. To deal with lifes challanges, love, everything. So they run and run.

My wife says she married me because I was a safe choice, stable, good with money, etc...She was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. We didn't have alot of money growing up. My dad made 35k per year and my mom cleaned houses. I paid for my own college, gradschool, everything. I have been on my own since I was 17.

When I met my W, she had crashed two of the cars her dad bought her and all her credit cards were maxed out. So we defintely have the same situation. We are both viewed as the parent. Our spouses are the teenagers rebelling. They are not getting what they want--We are standing in their way of happiness and freedom. Not sure how she will handle it on her own if it goes that way. Sounds like your husband will have the same challenges. I am still using that term if. I am OK either way now.

I do agree with you that our kids seeing a loveless marriage is not good for them in the long run. My sons think just because we don't fight, everything is ok. But deep down they know that things are not like they used to be. They don't see the love between us. The make suggestions about us doing things togther. Ask why does mommy always go out. Why does she go out all the time without daddy. I did tell my wife staying together for the kids is not the right solution. When I was out with the boys a couple weeks ago, my 9 year old got sick and said he wanted to go home. I had him call his mom and he got better all of a sudden. So they feel it when we are not together as a family. I don't know how they are going to deal with it if/when we divorce. I made an appointment next week with a therapist for my wife and I to learn how to tell the kids. I don't think she wants to tell them until after xmas. Whatever..I will be ready either way.

I don't think it is a cinderella story. I am looking for the same thing. I want to bring the best out in somebody and have them bring the best out in me. You want to be needed, loved...It something that has been missing in my life for a long time. We will find it Gina. We will.

Thanks for your prayers and i will do the same.

Danny.

Hi Danny:

I , at times, feel a little something coming off of my husband but it’s usually surrounding moments with our daughter. When she is saying something really funny and we look at each other in that way parents do when your kid just melted your heart. Those moments are hard for me because I KNOW he is feeling something at least for her and to know that he could leave us and change her world forever is very painful.

I’m glad that you did not take her bait and engage in a fight. Don’t give her any reason to say “See, this is why I’m leaving”. Be the person that takes the high road even when you don’t want to. It’s what’s best for you and for your children. Be the example and conduct yourself with honor. Don’t be a doormat but don’t be baited either.

Our spouses are like rebelling teenagers. We have helped to create the dynamic whether good intentioned or not. I have had a hand in enabeling the immaturity. Yes, my H will have a very hard time. He already struggles with stuff and he’s not even out of the house yet. I say yet because I believe, from what he tells me that’s his plan but he’s made no attempt to make that a reality.

My H and I don’t fight either. Even when we are discussing something and relaying how someone we know was heated and are “acting” out the situation, my daughter will come in and says “Momma and Daddy, are you fighting???” It’s foreign to her to hear us raise our voices with each other. I know that staying together for her isn’t the right solution but divorcing is the wrong solution so I don’t know where that leaves me.

Our 5 year anniversary was yesterday. He in no way wanted to celebrate but did wish me a Happy Anniversary and I got a quick I love you. NOT what I wanted but I’m trying to take the blessing out it anyway. Last night I said to my mom….I deserve more than I got and I don’t know how much longer I can do this. Truth is, what I want is not a fairy tale. It’s my vision of what a healthy marriage is made of. We had this read at our wedding:

“At the end of this ceremony, legally you will be husband and wife, but you still must decide each and every day that stretches before you, that you want to be married. Make such a decision and keep on making it, for the most important thing in life is to love and be loved.
May you always need one another, not so much to fill the emptiness as to help each other know your fullness. May you want one another, but not out of lack. May you embrace one another, but not encircle one another. May you succeed in all important ways with each other, and not fail in the little graces. Look for things to praise, often say 'I love you' and take no notice of small faults. May you have happiness, and may you find it in making one another happy. May you have love, and may you find it in loving one another.”

That’s the dream in a nutshell for me. Tough to do but not impossible. Now man on a white horse, no slipper. Just mutual respect, love, understanding and care. I’ve never had that. Not ever. And I long for it.

Have a good weekend. Falls in full swing here in Mass. Traveling to Pittsburgh this week for business which will be a nice break for the day.

Keep in touch, chin up….

Be the love,
Gina B.