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Anyone got any advice on whether I ask the question above? Its so hard to cope at the moment. Its so fresh and still hurts so much. Each day was starting to get easier, but when i see her every day... it brings back the hurt... even though I just keep our conversations to strictly business (Kids, Money, Dogs)

I would not ask her again. Either she isn't having an A so your repeated questioning will just anger her or she is having an A and she will lie to you about it. What Puppy told you before is true: ALL CHEATERS LIE. So if your gut tells you something is going on you need to decide if you want to gather proof and if so, how much. Not everyone wants to know all the facts.

Thanks Pearlhbr,

To me there seems to be a lot of things that have added up to this break up. I actually have no reason to suspect an affair, so will leave it alone for now.
My W runs her own cleaning business and she has said a number of times of the last few months that she doesn't know whether she should continue with it or not. Alot of stress involved, she has 5 girls working for her also.

Another thing is that we wanted to own a farm by the time the kids were a certain age, and thats not going to happen due to debt. Also back to her self confidence issues, It was one of her goals that by the time she was 30, she could get a boob job to help with the self body image. Those things cannot happen due to our debt levels. I suspect all of these things have also added to the underlying marriage issues. So from her eyes I would think she has added all of these things up and decided it would be easier to seperate for her to get to her goals, by getting rid of the house and alot of debt and start from scratch... Thats why I think its almost like a young version of a mid life crisis. I think its a big no no, but I felt like asking her to read the Walk away wife syndrome article by Michelle, as it describes exactly what has happened to us, plus the other stresses. I am in such a horrible state of mind at the moment. I think its lucky I have the kids, it seems to be the only thing holding me together and not going on a bender!

It's good to figure out what precipitated the bomb, but don't put all your focus on your W and what she's going through. Do not ask her to read anything, it won't do any good. You can only control your own actions so put the focus there.

What were her complaints about you in the marriage? Are they valid concerns? What do you need to do to be the best KiwiClint possible?

You and you alone are responsible for your happiness. Start doing GAL activities by yourself and with the kids. Do you have any hobbies that you've neglected lately? Any new ones you want to start? Try something new and different. Keep yourself busy so you don't have time to dwell on things.

Hey Kiwi,

Sorry that you are hear with us but as you know you are not alone. I'm not sure if I totally agree with the rest of the folks but I do know that the EA/PA is something that always seems to be a factor in many of these sitch's. Just be prepared it can hit you like a ton of bricks. Anyway know that you have folks here that understand what you are going through.

Thanks again Hope and Pearl.

To Pearlhbr - The issues I have had that I know caused the issues are things like when we go out together to events or friends houses she says even when I am talking to other people she notices I am still watching what shes doing and not having fun myself, and not paying much attention to other people because I am too concerned with what she is doing. I guess I got myself into a rut too and used to say that I didn't want to go and do things with our family friends, I would say I would rather stay home and have a few drinks with her... so I guess thats smothering in a way too.

She always used to say to me, I just want you to have fun aswell and cut loose, don't worry about what I am doing.

And the jealosy thing is bad on my part, always asking her if she had received any texts from people and that sort of thing. I guess it was a big paranoia on my behalf.

I am told her last week that all of that can change and I will get help for it. She sort of takes it on board but doesn't respond with much. She has been told by other people that controlling people can't change... which is not true! So when I say those things I don't think she beleives it.

What made my insecurities worse was the fact she is friendly with everyone and even kind of "flirty" when we go out... and she has always assured me that I was the only guy for her etc. But I would let her actions bring out the ugly green jealousy monster.

I am prepared myself for the worst in a way... Its just hard to accept it without knowing if she had given me that last chance... like Michelle says in the WAW article that it could have worked out.. for the sake of her, me and the children.

It would be a lot easier if the children weren't involved.

Of course she doesn't believe you when you say you can change. Have you said it before? And did you follow through?

One of the guidelines we follow here is to believe none of what the WAS says and only half of what they do. Words mean nothing, only action.

Do not tell her what you are doing. Just show her. And do not go out of your way to point out your actions. Just do it. She will notice. She may not say anything but she will notice.

You think it would be easier without children, people without children think it would easier with them to have a bond to their WAS. It's moot. Just be the best father you can be and do not involve them in this.

Have you read DR yet?

Hey Pearl,

Yes, I have said I will try and change before. But when I said I need to go to counseling for the issues she said "Don't be silly you don't need counseling, just relax a bit more"

But after reading the WAW article, its interesting because it is exactly what happened, she bought up the issue and said she thought the behavior would end once we got married, but it didn't, she then let it lie telling me she was still happy with us and everything, when obviously it has brewed to this point of no return in her mind.

I should receive my copy of DR in the next few days. I am overseas, so takes a little while to get here.

So as a typical male, the warning signs were there, but by the time I realised it was make or break... it was too late.

I think it's great you're going to counselling to work on your issues. Again, don't tell her this to point out what you're doing for the M. Just do it for yourself because it's the right thing to do and will help make you the best person possible.

And don't beat yourself up either. Own up to your mistakes, work on positive changes. Acknowledge what you contributed to your problems but understand that she contributed too. Don't take it all on yourself.

Thanks again Pearl, you have been great.

I keep thinking that we didn't talk enough when she actually broke the news to me on the 12th of Sept, and each time she has talked to me she has been really hungover so her attention span is really bad.

Would it be unacceptable to ask for a talk about the breakup in a calm fashion without all of the emotion coming out?

Just trying to understand and explain all the factors that have made her feel this way?