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Hi KiwiMan,

I just read your initial post. And, it still amazes me the similarities in others' situations. My W has said many of the same things your W said to you - esp. not wanting to be in a R with anyone, not wanting to ever be M'd again. Eerily similar.

OK, puppy is great at the breaking up A's issue. I don't know if your W is having an A, but, there are signs/red flags. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't.

My sitch is very similar to yours, and I don't think (don't know for sure) my W is having an A. While the percentage of those here dealing with A's is very high, not every sitch has one. Again, not saying your W is or isn't.

Most important thing for you right now is to read DR or DB, then get to work on you. Identify the things you need to change to improve yourself, then live those changes. Don't talk about them, live them. Be consistent in your behavior in front of your W.

Get busy GAL'ing. It may be hard at first, but it really does help, especially with your self confidence. And self confidence is an attractive quality.

Here's a lsit I stole from another poster named Sandi (who is great) on do's/don'ts when dealing with a WAS:

WAW Do’s/Don’t’s
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through
conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do
things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or
short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just
say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse
happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting
more than ever and are desperate and needy
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

Sandi's list is excellent.

Did you read #3? Do not give her DR, ask her to read it, or mention it at all. This is your tool to use and yours alone.

It may seem like a good idea but to a WAS it just enforces that any change(s) you make are strictly to save the marriage and won't last. She will feel like you're trying to trick her into staying and push her even further away.

Read the book then ask here if you have questions.

I am losing it.... Wife is really going on a bender.

I don't know if I can go on like this, its causing too much pain.

She is going out getting drunk, getting guys numbers (I found it on her PC, synchronised with the phone)

I feel like I need a reason to be able to detach and move on... I need to find something to let go altogether. I don't know if I can hang around waiting for this to sort it out.

Really tough time at the moment. Sigh.

here you answered your own question:



she'll never tell you the truth unless she really wants to stick it to you. and she might.

going out geting drunk and picking up guys isnt reason enough?

Read this on another thread, think it's good for you:

Well, she text me this morning and said she was running late... turned up 3/4 of an hour late,(She is supposed to be at home every morning at 6:30am so i can go to work and she gets the kids ready for school etc) she was hungover as anything. She didn't even want to answer my call last night (Which was because my D8 was crying and upset, wanting to talk to mum. I know where she was because he father told me without me even asking.
I sucked it all up... and when she got home she said "I am really sorry for being late" and her girlfriend said "I forgot to set the alarm right"

All said in response was, "That's ok" and "See you later"

I am fuming inside, but know what I have done is right.

I did feel like going off at her, but that would have ruined all my hard work over the last week.

I actually printed that list out of sandi's and now keep it in my pocket. So i can reference it whenever I feel an outburst is coming.

Thanks for all the support...

I am going out tonight with some friends into town, to have a few drinks and unwind. What you guys have been saying about the possibility of an affair is what is really getting to me at the moment. She went on a bender last night, and I know he friend she went out with is very easy if you know what I mean. My wife used to not have any respect for this friend as she would sleep with different guys all the time. And now my wife decides to go out on the drink with her... and who knows what happened. Its funny what you guys have said... I could start snooping to find out the truth.. but Do i really want to know. Thats the battle I have having in my own mind.... To know or not to know. The problem is that if I do not know, I cannot help that jealous side come out and it eats me up. At least if I knew it would devestate me but give me closure (Anger and other things aswell).

Sigh... its all tough work at the moment.

It is very tough....it will wear you down physically and mentally. Prepare yourself mentally for what you may find if you go looking for it. That way you are ready in case you do find something.

Please keep in mind that this is a marathon, not a sprint. You need to prepare yourself mentally and physically for the long haul. That's why sleeping, eating right and exercising are so important.

As to whether or not your W is having an A, you don't have to decide about snooping right now. Take a day or two off and try to just have fun this weekend. Take the kids to the park or a movie. I know it's very difficult right now, hang in there.