Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers PLEASE HELP! - About to completely LOSE IT!!!

Or am I crazy to think maybe I should let him start talking to me about OW and I can get some insight on what she is giving him that I'm not/wasn't? In DR it says we need to do some investigative work to find out what the spouse was lacking and is filling in the new R. There's absolutely no freaking way that I am/would be willing to meet her/have to see her, that would totally just push my self-control levels beyond their maximum threshold. What I did gather from the pics that I saw, was that he is proud of her. I think proud of the way she looks. He has never taken pics of me by myself or with us together. But, he also never made me feel that he wasn't attracted to me in the past. He was very affectionate with me at home and out in public. But I always felt bad in the back of my mind that maybe he was embarassed by me and my weight problem, even though he would always reassure me that he wasn't and told me that I was beautiful and still very attractive to him, never berated or belittled me about my weight. Now, though I am a new person, with new clothes, a sexy new attitude and self-confidence about myself -45 lbs lighter and still on track to lose the rest of my weight. That's what I am gathering from the physical aspect of things.

From the emotional/mental standpoint of what she is giving to him is what I am lacking and need more clarity on. I am sure it is her feeding his ego with compliments and enthusiasm and reassurance about himself. I always had a hard time with that because of my pent up anger and resentment towards him from all the past hurts in our R. I always wanted to break down my wall and tell him that I still thought he was sexy and fun and compliment him, but wouldn't allow myself to do so for fear of being hurt again.

Great post! I swear your writing would make a brillant scene in a movie or play - It was a long post but I was so hooked on reading it! I think like you said about my situation - he is noticing the changes in you. There does sound to be some guilt and fear in there too. It sounds like you guys have repaired your communication to the point where he is remembering that you are someone he respects. If he's looking at you (for the moment) from a "good friend" point of view then if you were his good friend he likely would run OW by you for your approval. (Crazy, horrible idea to met OW I agree - but think that is how he meant it?) Heaven forbid if something happens where you end up meeting or talking to this OW - be prepared to be very nice & kind to her. Wanting to run his "choice" by you could also be that he's getting some glimpse that maybe you are not the source of all his problems - that his happiness might not depend on divorcing you and getting a OW in his life?

I think it sounds like you guys are making tons of progress but agree that keep going on with making the changes that you want to make a lasting part of you. But this does seem like confusing, very new territory for you guys, right? So even if this is a good change - it's still hard to know how to react or if there are little things you should be modifying. Trust your gut!

Wish I could see my own situation clearer...but guess that's the value of sounding off our situations to each other here!

Could be guilt, could be cake eating - maybe he just doesn't want to make that "leap" until he is "certain" she will accept him.

It's a marathon, not a print.

I wouls not meet OW nor would I give him advice what to do about her. He's a big boy, and he has to make the decision he thinks is the right onw.

Sunday 9/27 - H went to work all day. Told me he was only a phone call away if I needed anything. I was in my bedroom and went out to living room to watch a movie after he got home that night. He was in his room with door closed which means he was on phone for quite a while. Did come out and say good-night to me and went to bed.

Monday 9/28 - H came home from work, sat in kitchen and talked to me while I made dinner. Ate "together" across from each other in kitchen. Told me he was going to the gym and I was welcome to come with him and ride in truck with him, which I did. Worked out together. Got home, H says he is going to pool, I say I'm going to hot tub. Walk there together, go in hot tub and pool together, walk back together. Watch tv in living room together when we get home. I leave and go to bed first. Exchange good-nights.

Tuesday 9/29 - H came home for quick dinner, chatted for few mins. H had a side-job to do that evening and was going back to work. I went to bed around midnight and heard him get home a little later.

Wednesday 9/30 - Lunchtime - Waved at H as he was getting in his truck and I was pulling out of driveway to leave for my Dr.'s appt. H got home around 5:30. I was in kitchen making dinner. He sat at bar and we talked, told me about his day. Then H went and showered and packed up to leave. Came in kitchen & asked me for a favor. His laundry had been sitting on kitchen table for many days. Asked if I could help him fold it. I said no problem, told him I had considered folding it for him a couple days before because he had been busy with work so much, but didn't want to overstep my bounds. H went and got his stuff to leave, stopped in kitchen, asked if he could take a bowl of dinner to go, then changed his mind, said good-bye and left.

I folded all his laundry. While doing, I had to deal with seeing two new pairs of underwear that I know he wouldn't have bought himself. Which made me think "What the heck am I doing sitting here folding his laundry while he is off with OW?" Then I made mistake of going in bathroom and looking at my surgical wound/scar and started feeling so ugly, rejected, hurt, angry, jealous, depressed, and scared. Called my SisIL and was able to pull myself back up a little but still felt more negative than I have in a long time. I had been trying to prep myself for a few days that having H at home was going to come to an end. My surgery was over and in his mind I'm sure he was thinking he had played his supportive role in getting me through it and was ready to get back to OW. I knew he would be gone again soon and back off to his other life. It was the longest stretch he had been at home in months, a week and a half straight. But it seems like no matter how hard you try you can just never prepare to "feel" the feelings in the moment even though you know they will be coming - the sadness and loneliness still just plain SUCK.

Thursday 10/1 - Saw H had been home for lunch, but had a feeling he wouldn't be home that evening because he had told me previous weekend he had "somewhere" to go on Thursday night. H didn't come home and NC.

Friday 10/2 - I got home from work and could tell that H had not been there all day. Also, his work shoes were in garage, so think that he must have taken day off work as well. Pisses me off, because now all of the sudden he can take so much time off of work to go and do things with OW. But when I had asked him to take a day off here and there to do something/spend time together, it was always "I have to work" & would never do it. And now he has also said a few times "Everyone deserves a day off now and then." In GAL, I had plans to be gone for the weekend anyways regardless if he was going to be there or not. Made myself look smokin hot and was off for a night out and a weekend of fun. NC from H.

Saturday 10/3 - Around 6:30pm I get a text from H - "Hey! Do you remember where the home depot design center is in (city)? I can't remember exactly....." a) This is somewhere that we had been on some fun outings together b) Why does he need to ask me?, can't he find other resources for finding stuff? c) I hadn't seen him/talked to him since Wed evening, was this really him just trying to find something to be able to have contact with me?

I waited an hour later and responded with "Hey - closed down - went bankrupt" Wondering if I should have been more enthusiastic back to him and/or more friendly toned?

Then later I get another text from him "That sucks. I drove by the building it was in, but wasn't sure if that was actually it. Hows your weekend going? Your shoulder ok?" a) Ok - so he did know where it was. b) What/Why does he care how my weekend is going while he is off with OW?!?!

I waited another hour or so and replied "Weekend is great - Shoulder is feeling/doing good" Again, was this to passe', wondering if I needed to implore more emotion/enthusiasm?

No other contact from H.

Sunday 10/4 - I got home from my weekend around 11:00pm. H not home, could tell he had not been there since he last left on Wed evening.

Monday 10/5 - Heard H come home this morning a little after 8 and leave for work about 15 mins later. I stayed in my bedroom with door closed.

Really struggling with feeling like I am just the biggest idiot on the planet right now. Wondering why I still love him/want to be with him?????? Ugh.

H came home for lunch. I went out and said Hey! like I was thrilled to see him. He responded with a Hey! back. Before he left to go back to work, I was in kitchen folding some laundry. He stopped to tell me a couple things about work and then asked if I would be home later tonight. I said Probably, I should be. Then he asked if I wanted to go to the gym with him. I told him that Yeah, I should be available to do that.

Am I just his gym buddy now?????

Another thing that I remembered that happened last week that really irked me. He came to me asked me where this really nice and expensive watch that I had given him as an anniversary present about 5 years ago was. He has never worn it because right after I gave it to him, he tried it on and a pin fell out of it and couldn't be found. So it needed to be replaced and also sized and he had never made the attempts to get it taken care of. He doesn't even wear a regular watch, so why all of a sudden is he willing to get this really nice watch repaired and wear it now after all this time??? Why can he be and do all of these things now for himself and this OW, but he wouldn't do them during our R?

I feel like he is being the person that I had put him in position to be during our R, but he is just doing it all with and for someone else now though. The new clothing, the new hairstyle, the courtesy of opening doors, wearing his seatbelt now, going out to nice places and dinners, shopping (which he has abhorred since I met him), going to movies and fun attractions, weekend getaways, taking time off from work, keeping his truck clean, buying a camera and taking pictures, going to the gym with physique obsession, and now will be wearing the watch that I bought him as an anniversary present to top it all off!!!!!

I just want to know what the OW has done/is doing to deserve all of this attention and money being spent on her when that's all I ever wanted from him was quality time having fun and doing things together. Besides being younger and hotter, what else is drawing him to OW and how do I find out/figure it out what is???

Hi Sweetie!

Sorry to hear about your sitch. HUGS

Bottom line, she has sex appeal. You have sex appeal also. During the R, you may have turned it off. This is your chance to turn it back on.

Here is what I understand as sex appeal:

Good grooming, dressing nice, acting calm, relaxed and happy.

Self confidence is very sexy. Being needy is NOT.

With that said, you H believes he knows you and wants something unknown and exciting.

The self help section of the book store is one of my regular stops after the bomb.

Two good books:
"Teach yourself flirting"
"The Art of seduction"

The first post of my thread has a link to the flirting book as well as other books I highly recommend reading.


Long story short, become the most sexually attractive woman you can. Figure out what works. What worked with him in the past does not work now. I know I have sex appeal, it just took lots of reading and practice to find it again.....

Hi R2C - I think you hit the nail on the head as far as my turning off my sex appeal. I know for sure that I did that through the years. I started getting/bringing my MOJO back during our last separation period 2 years ago, but started feeling myself slip back into old patterns/habits especially at the beginning of this year. Since the Bomb in May I have taken the initiative to dress sexy, look my best all the time. I can tell he has noticed by little comments and looks now and then, but for the most part, it seems like OW still has the upper hand in that dept, which I know is the way it is going to be right now, but still sucks. I haven't read those two books and will be finding them asap!! I am willing to try anything I can at this point and definitely need help with learning how to flirt and be seductive!!!

Monday 10/5 Evening - H and I went to gym together (again, lol). Just told me about his work day and little tidbits of his weekend. I also shared a funny story from my weekend that entailed one of his best friends (this friend still seems to be a strong connection point for us which is a good thing). Before we left H says "We can go to the gym and then go to the grocery store tonight." Then, as we were leaving, H saw it was later than he had expected and said "Well, maybe we won't make the grocery store tonight." I pipe up "Well, I can just drive myself to the gym and still go to grocery store after if you're not up for it?" H - "No, we'll see if we have enough time and we can just go together." hmmmm? During the course of the evening he also asked me about a band that will be in concert in our area soon that I had mentioned previously that I wanted to go see. Not really sure what to make of that or what that was all about either? I took as many opportunities throughout the evening to compliment him, express appreciation, and ask for his advice on a few things - seemed like positive responses each time I did.

Later, we did get to grocery store. He did walk off to text for a little bit, but I didn't let it get to me - just kept up my happy, sexy little swagger I had going on. Must have been working because, while H was off texting on another aisle, this one grocery manager who is HOT, walked past me, checked me out and turned around to come back and ask me how my evening was going...lol! I even pushed my comfort zone to flirt with H a little in the store, and surprise, surprise he kinda flirted back. At home, H helped bring in all the groceries and even helped put them away which was nice. We watched TV in LR for a while and then off to our bedrooms.

Tuesday 10/7 - Got text from H "Gym tonight? Or are you going to meeting tonight?" I have a regular church meeting that I go to on Tuesday evenings. I replied with "I can meet you there at 5:45 and bring clothes with me to go to meeting after if you can make it that early." H texted back "No, can't go that early. Still at work." Me - "Ok, have a good workout! I'm off to make dinner, meeting, and then hot tub/pool after if I'm not too whipped." H - "Ok, see ya later then. I feel like crap today btw, stupid cold." (Funny, because I had wanted to ask him how he was feeling.) Me - "Awww that sux. No chicken soup tonight, just boring tacos - i will try for tomorrow - might help you get/feel better faster."

When I got home from meeting later, H was in office on phone (female voice could be heard). I just smiled and waved as I walked by and he waved back. Then I went in kitchen to clean up dishes and put away food. Kitchen is in full earshot of office. H still in conversation got up and went in his bedroom and closed the door. Feel like this was a good thing because he was respecting my boundaries in not staying out there and me having to overhear his conversation (not have to feel like he was shoving OW down my throat). After I cleaned up kitchen, I went to hot tub/pool by myself. H was still in his bedroom with door closed when I left and when I came back. I stayed in my room with door closed for rest of evening.

Saw H briefly this morning in kitchen before he left for work. Said Good Mornings. H commented that he didn't go to gym this morning (and I've noticed that he hasn't done an early morning gym since last Monday or Tuesday?). Said one guy's knee is out, other guy cancelled and he is sick with cold. Then he said something about gym tonight, but not sure if it was I can't go tonight or I will go tonight? hmmm?

Wondering if I should have skipped out on my meeting last night and gone to gym with him instead. It was the first time I declined an invitation to go with him and I came home to him on phone with OW having a conversation for who knows how long. ????

You have a choice to make: Do you want H or not? I assume you do.

Next choice, do you want to have fun with the process or not? I will assume you want to have fun.

So the BIG question is, How do you draw him away from OW?

First step, set your intentions:
"Draw H away from OW and have fun doing it!"

Second step, commit to personal growth.
Learn as much as you can about relationships, sex, affairs, etc...(Check out the books I listed in first post of my thread)

Third step, become sexy and seductive.
(Hint: Do not be predictable, needy, unhappy, or a doormat)
Read the two books I recommended ASAP.


The big rule: Do more of what works. Stop doing what is not working.

FG,

If you want to find out how one gets their MOJO back, then look up a poster name SmileyPerson's threads.

Block out several WEEKS -- there's that much in there (he's an extraordinary writer, and chronicled in detail all of his interactions with his wife). So far, they have not reconciled, but that's more HIS choice than hers at this point, and I personally wouldn't bet against them. The important thing is HE got his mojo back, BIG time, and he used that word a lot in his posts.

DBing is all about making yourself the more attractive option. Establish boundaries, and don't be a doormat, but yeah -- BE that better option, and shine a light back towards your marriage.

Puppy