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This is all pursuit. You can't run her down and catch her by pursuing harder - it will just make her run faster.

Stopping the pursuit is HARD - but it is all inside of you. The only reason it is hard is that you have to stop doing what you want to do. You know it is not working - just look at her reactions - but you still want to do it because it is what you want.

So you have to push back on yourself and stop.

I was where you are earlier this year. I also have 4 kids. W and I are 'separated' in our own house, but I am feeling much better these days than the despair and desperation I had earlier, and know that if she is ever going to become interested in M again I needed to evolve like I have.

Coach and Thinker are right on with the advice. Stop Pursuing. Forget about her and focus on yourself. She needs to choose to want you again out of her own free will and coersion will just push her away.

What if she disappeared and you were in a position to go forward alone and find someone else? How would you carry yourself, what would you do? I am not saying that you go and find someone else, but how would you attract a woman? That is what you need to start thinking about and doing now. Show her she would be crazy to walk away from you.

Your whole focus right now is getting her to turn around and return to you I realize, and she might if you can focus on yourself and leave her alone, but if she doesn't then you will value yourself more and be in a better position if she hits the road.

This will be the hardest thing you have faced down most likely, but it gets easier.

I am still struggling but I feel much better now than I did earlier this year due to the recommendations you see in DB/DR and from people on this site. My W also had an EA going on to varying degrees so I have been dealing with that as well.

Another good book is "Love Must Be Tough" - it helps you gain perspective on how to attract your spouse again. I know it seems 'unfair' that we have to win their affection all over again, but it is the cards we have been dealt.

Keep posting.

You have a WAW. Even if she hasn't actually walked away....it is in her heart. I felt the same about my H as your W feels about you. She does not find you attractive by the way you are acting. I know that it doesn't make sense to you, but the more you pursue her, the farther away she will get. If you will pull back and act as if you are happy-go-lucky and enjoy life......and not be this weak, needy/clingy person....then she will start moving closer toward you. You need to be fun and interesting. You need to become more like the man she fell in love with.

There is a chance that your W is suffering from the proper amount of hormones. The problem is getting her to go to a doctor who will run the appropriate tests. I went for years trying to get help and nobody would tell me anything. At last I found a doctor who would run all the hormone test and found out that everything was extremely low. Guess what sex hormones were? Zero! No wonder I felt like I did! I'm not trying to make all women like me, but there are so many out there who have these problems and have grown used to it and don't realize there is something adnormal. Anyway, I try to tell H's b/c so many of them don't have a clue about that sort of thing.

If it isn't physical, then she could be depressed. If it is clinical depression, then she can't do much about that except taking medication for it. Has she been to a doctor at all? Depression can do a lot of harm to R's and in a person's life. It seems to me that something is going on that would cause her to leave her faith and stop going to church. Did you notice if she stopped doing any other things that she normally liked to do? Has anyone else noticed a change in her?

There doesn't have to be something physical or mentally out of sorts with a W to cause her to feel like you've described your W, but it would make sense that "if" there was something physical, to get that fixed, first.

It would help you to read other posts here on the board. Reach out to others and it will help build your support group.

Is she a WAW or having MLC. A few years ago she told me I had been "holding her back" for years, she later went and got tattoos, knowing I did not like them, and other things. What do you think?

To let you know, I have been doing great at my 180's (not calling her, not trying to touch her, kiss her, etc.). The thing I keep wondering is, does she wonders if I am not feeling love for her? Does she wonder about my feelings for her? Is that the whole intent? I am doing the behavior, struggling with the thoughts because it feels "uncomfortable". Any advice appreciated.

Often times it is very difficult to tell the difference between a WAW/MLC. If she is dressing too young or sexy, that can be a symptom of MLC. If she is trying to behave like a teenager, then that's another sign. It seems that everyone I've read about on the board who has been in MLC has also been involved in an A. A WAW does not "have" to do any of these things to want to leave her H.



No



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But it is the right thing to do. If you try to get close to her, she'll pull back. If you will pull back, she'll get closer.

Thanks so much Sandi.

I want to be prepared, so I do not respond out of emotion, so I am looking for some advice.

If as a result of my 180's my WAW asks me why I have been so distant with her, what is an appropriate response? Would it be:

Because you are not in love with me anymore?

Because I am giving you your space?

Because you suggested that maybe we just be friendly roommates?

???

I do not know if she will ask or blame the distancing on me but I want to be mentally ready to respond. These may seem like basic questions to you but I do not want to make things worse at this point.

"I've been real busy lately. I understand it would make me look like I'm distant. Is there something I could help you with?"

If she says no then you gotta go, if she says yes then really listen and if it's a request that is unacceptable say, "I have decided that I won't do things like that anymore." If you can honor her request just say, "I can handle that."

You end the conversation first.

You are very busy aren't you?

Decoy,

In answer to your questions, it can't be about her. You aren't doing anything on account of her. It's a decent sign that she's asking, but your actions from now on have to be about YOU. For starters, you have been needy and co-dependent. I know how you feel...I seek those reassurances also, but you also need to temper any of that with realizing that your life doesn't begin and end with her.

There is only one person that is going to look out for you..and that's you. Start getting active outside the home. Give yourself permission to have fun. Hook up with old friends. Throw yourself into being a good father to your kids. Keep active with them.

You worry that your wife will think you don't love her. That isn't a bad thing. She should wonder, "what's up with this. He should be crushed but he doesn't even seem unhappy about this. Why is he so fine without me?" I'll bet you that before the bomb was dropped that you didn't yearn for your wife this much. I'll bet you didn't feel like she was your world. It's when you couldn't have her anymore that suddenly you can't imagine a life without her. Isn't that about right? Would it hurt for her to get the feeling that maybe she doesn't have you anymore?

My answer to her question is: "I'm sorry if it feels I'm being cold. I've realized that I'm responsible for my own happiness and want to start focusing on improving the person I am and focusing on the kids. I've been codependent, needing validation from you for happiness and it wasn't fair to you or to me. This is probably what I needed to jump-start my life." But you can't just say it. Do it. You WILL be okay. Let her see the other side of you...the confident side that KNOWS he can have a good life without her. Put that doubt in her mind.

P.S. Cold isn't what you are shooting for. You can still be friendly, just don't be focused on her. Continue not to seek kisses, hugs, or other gestures of that sort. At this point she probably gives them more out of pity than anything anyway. You don't want pity attention do you?