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Feel exactly the same way...

Yeah, leaning towards being done...

Just got off the phone with H b/c D5 left her school folder in his car. He doesn't think its there but will check.

Then, I stupidly asked if he wanted to see his girls tomorrow. Need to run an errand and my mom can't take them. He declined because he has plans....

Of course.

About to be done.

Hope,

Sorry for the hijack... but I have question for Clinging... Just where in Illinois are you?

-AlexEN

"Oh, if I could just get through all the emotions that I apparently still have tied up inside me."

The odd thing is.. this is what keeps us all from "winning". You need to focus this idea.. another direction. Take the emotion of "losing" and direct it at him. What do you really loose here? If I say it simply.. you loose someone who does not "care" about losing you. To a point you should not be chasing him around. In a few simple words.. you need to rebuild the "want".

"I was dressed in a pretty dress that H picked out for me last year. I received many compliments on the dress that day, which was nice. H's reaction (well, no compliments but he did sit closer to me while I rocked youngest D to sleep and he played with my knee for a sec)... of course, later he asked if I was eating better and that he could tell that I was b/c he could see it in my arms. (Thanks, now I have fat arms)."

In reading your posts this keeps coming up. Are you really "all that"? You tell us the story of people talking you up all day. Then getting rejected by H. Why does this matter?

Remember.. he does not care about losing you.

.............. It's the persona he wants to loose.

He wants to loose the "little girl" part of you.

"I have new friends, go out lots and still - the idea of my failing M just tends to bring me down."

I remember this. I think more than a few nights I had to excuse myself and go cry somewhere. Looking back.. it still plays to the "emotion" that I carried with me every day. It also points to the fact this is what you need to change.

"Trying to detach, trying to move on... really, really trying."

Detaching.. and Moving on.. 2 different things. Focus on one or the other.

Rockford -- actually Loves Park

Well, that's the point, isn't it. I'm not "all that". Or at least, I haven't seen myself as "all that" for a long time - maybe never in our R. It matters that I'm rejected by H b/c well, I want H in our lives. I am trying my best to follow the "rules" and nothing seems to impact H (or at least nothing that I know). I have always had self image issues with him b/c he is a pretty unbelievably gorgeous man and I've never felt that I was physically good enough for him. On the other hand, I think he has always felt inferior to other aspects of my personality (ambition, determination, and even perhaps intelligence). Therefore, in my 180s, I'm trying to get out of the Mom mold that I've so successfully created for myself and get back to the fun, young, attractive mode that H first fell in love with. Am I succeeding? Don't know.

The real gem of it is that I need to be doing all of this for me and I can't ... I honestly can't ... everything I do is a calculated move to try and get him to re-discover me....re-discover us and I'm failing miserably and it makes me very, very sad.




I don't know how to detach without moving on. Any insights would be greatly appreciated. I'm still so attached that I think I have confused the two. Thanks for your comments FG, much appreciated.

[quote=hopeinwaiting
The real gem of it is that I need to be doing all of this for me and I can't ... I honestly can't ... everything I do is a calculated move to try and get him to re-discover me....re-discover us and I'm failing miserably and it makes me very, very sad.[quote=Forrest Gump]

Feel not alone in this! I'm with you ... of course, we know that it is wrong and we should be looking out for ourselves but I truly believe that you can only do this when your emotional state is ready to allow it.

I have been peeking through the window of detachment but I never get close to the door. I can see how I want things to be but there's something blocking me each time I make a move. Is that where you are at too? I think that the 'block' is called love.

When you first start out DB'ing, everyone tells you that the techniques feel counter-intuitive and wrong. It goes against what your heart is singing out to do - and even your head. I am constantly battling with both and getting nowhere. After 4 months, I am in a worse boat with my H than when we started out -he has gone and I am alone - he contacts me about once per month nowadays and, whilst I am tired of it, I can not let go. I don't want to and I'm not ready to.

GAL'ing definitely helps, if and when you can. Trouble is, you still have to come back to your home and face up to it. You still have to wake in the mornings with the bowling ball in your stomach and, try as I might, I can find no cure for that one.

I think that we just have to embrace what we know is right from other people's experiences here. Listen to the good advice, throw away the cr@p that some people like to churn out (yes, some do have their own agenda's)!!

When we are ready, I'm sure that we will all find our own way. Meanwhile, protect yourself and be kind to YOU and your kids.

Don't beat up on yourself just because you are not ready for the next step ... you will know when you are but meanwhile, it doesn't hurt to look ahead and try to work out the path that you may like to take ...

"Well, that's the point, isn't it."

"I'm not "all that". Or at least, I haven't seen myself as "all that" for a long time - maybe never in our R. It matters that I'm rejected by H b/c well, I want H in our lives. I am trying my best to follow the "rules" and nothing seems to impact H"

Hmmm.. so what you are saying is that what you are doing.. is not working?

Why?

"I have always had self image issues with him b/c he is a pretty unbelievably gorgeous man and I've never felt that I was physically good enough for him."

I feel you on this to a point. Simple fact remains.. at one point he chose you.

Why?

"The real gem of it is that I need to be doing all of this for me and I can't ... I honestly can't ... everything I do is a calculated move to try and get him to re-discover me....re-discover us and I'm failing miserably and it makes me very, very sad."

Again.. the things we wish for.. are usually not the things that will benefit us the most.

I understand you want him.

He can likely see that he has you on the "line".

So what does he loose from all this.. Miss "ALLTHAT"?

"I don't know how to detach without moving on."

I like simple thoughts. I like thoughts that relate to "life".

"Detach"

I can detach my boat from the dock. There can be "currents" that make it move away. I hope it never "moves on" without me.

A boat will never "MOVE ON" without you.. unless your planning sucks!

"Someone" has to turn the key.. start the motor.. put it in gear.. and wave to the people on the dock.

Do you see the difference?

"I'm still so attached that I think I have confused the two. Thanks for your comments FG, much appreciated."

So you "see" it and don't trust your judgment?

Lemme throw this at you. I am 110% physical LL (Love Language).

Without saying TY.. how can you show me some love?

Now.. you has some "Work".

I really want you to answer the questions. They should be easy to spot. (?)

Have a go at me.. if ya need to. Think about what you are saying.

You can do it. I can "see" it.

The block is actually fear. Don't you think? Love is allowing H to figure out his own mess without allowing my own personal interests to get in the way. At least I think the block for me is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being alone. Fear of giving my daughters the same unfortunate legacy I had growing up in a "broken" home.



Oh yeah, I have that bowling ball as well.

Thanks for the support. So sorry we are all here, but know that we will be "there" eventually : )