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Mongoose, why not start your thread over in Newcomers and then we can post to you. The more you can tell us about your stitch, the better we may be able to help. You are doing the right thing by reaching out to others and that will help build up your support.....but you need a home thread.

LFH, compare 23 days to eternity and that may help you deal a little better. Couldn't even consider that to be one grain of sand on a beach....could ya? We're here for you. Don't give up when you are so close.

Hello Sandi and GIMA…your words may have come too late.

Well, I may have rocked the boat this morning…but I just can’t sit here and let my W continue with her behavior. Here’s how it went:

W: Did you see your son’ classroom assignment…the teacher said that it wasn’t completed due to our son talking during class. YOU need to reinforce discipline in him.

As background: My W doesn’t think I ever discipline the kids. She’s wrong, it’s just that the kids behave very well in my presence. It’s my kids when they misbehave…our kids when they’re good…I’m really tired of this. All of my kids’ bad traits are attributable to me.

Me: That’s enough. I’ll talk to him, but do not blame me for his misbehavior. It’s bad enough that you paint me as some ogre that emotionally abused you, but now you’re blaming me for our son’s misbehavior. You say that I emotionally abused you by being blameful, controlling, and critical of everything you do…well right back at you. I’m just as miserable as you are. Why haven’t you filed for divorce yet? What are you waiting for? If it’s sooo bad to be with me under this roof, why are you still here? We can split time with the kids. It is painful for me to stay in the same house with a woman who doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to be my wife? I am ready for a new life…I am done with this old life…I want a new life. You walk around this house without saying a word except for random critical words…making me feel one foot tall. No more. I have tried my best in being as nice as I can towards you during this time.

I kissed my kids goodbye and off I went to work. Ten minutes later my W calls me to make sure I bring home my daughter’s teddy bear from school. What? She hasn’t called me once in almost seven days.

We’ll see what lies in store for me this evening…but tough. I am not a doormat. I will no longer be de-valued by my W. I have made a lot of good changes in my live and I will not let anyone ever lower my self esteem again. I may have blown my chances with Retrouvaille, and I may definitely regret what I’ve done, but no more. I'm standing up for myself...it's long overdue.

-LFH

So I come home today from work expecting Mrs. Sourpuss in a foul mood after this morning's discussion. Well, I guessed wrong. She invited me to go to dinner with her and the kids. This hasn't happended since my W was "trying to work on our marriage" 4-5 weeks ago. She was actually pleasant at dinner. She told me her plans for the weekend...my son and I are heading to Columbus tomorrow to catch the Buckeye's football game. I actually had a nice time at dinner.

Looking back at this morning, I unknowingly pulled a Gucci. I pulled away from my W which drew her back into me. I set a new boundary. She may be starting to worry again that she's going to lose me if this situation continues on its current track. Who knows? Maybe she's just thinking about the kids. Anyways, this morning definitely had an impact on my W. It's now 22 days to Retrouvaille. I'm pooped.

-LFH

Does sound like you made an impression and that it was a good one for you. Get some rest. And DON'T WORRY.

I never understand when a LBH is surprised at his WAW drawing closer when he pulls back. Isn't that what we've been trying to tell ya?

LFH, I don't think you get something here. Nobody ever suggested (I don't think) that you are suppose to be a doormat. Nobody has said that you should ever feel devalued. If that has happened....then guess who is responsible? You are not DBing correctly if you feel that your self-esteem has been torn down.

If I recall, your W warmed up to you the last time you called her hand on the way she was acting. I believe that women want a man who will not tollerate bad behavior from them. The trick is knowing how to approach her about her behavior without sounding like an orge. I think you let things build up inside you until it is like something about to explode. Don't allow your emotions to get to that point. Deal with situations as they happen. Frankly, I am suprised that she was not in a bad mood or ready to leave. (Isn't it rather odd that she was in a bad mood when the women were flirting with you, but she wasn't after you exploded on her? I think she wants to hang onto you.)

I believe it is a very good sign that she warmed up to you and wanted to have dinner. I don't think she is ready to walk out as much as you thought or she would have taken advantage of your sounding off. I believe the retreat will really be great for the two of you if you can just hang on a little longer. Try to get this in perspective and stop feeling like you are laying down for her to walk on when you are DBing.

Hey Sandi and GIMA,

My self-esteem was torn down when my W dropped the original bomb this past April. I have spent the last six months rebuilding it. It's that just in the last 2-3 weeks I have been trying to be as nice as possible so as not to do anything to jeopardize Retrouvaille. It was in these last 2-3 weeks that I felt like a doormat with my W being cold and distant towards me...so I revolted this morning.

About my W wanting to hang on to me...I don't think my W knows what she wants. I'm too good to throw away and not good enough to keep...if that makes any sense. Maybe she's just playing me.

Thanks again for your support. Listen for the bells ringing GIMA and Sandi...they'll be for your wings (It's a Wonderful Life)

-LFH

I understand, I really do. I, too, have spent the time since being bombed in April regaining my self esteem. And I think my lack of it before had a lot to do with why W and I are in this sitch. Now that I
have that back (and 2 dangling, ahem, appendages), I'm not ever going back to the old me, not matter what happens.

BUT, it sounds like you set yourself up here by having an expectation that she should/would respond positively to you.

All in all, don't think you did any big damage. Just keep you emotions in check. When you start having those negative feelings, search for the real reason(s) for them. Then, deal with the cause.

Hey looking for help: I am going to retrouville on Oct. 23rd. I hope we make it till then as well. Last night was horrible. My kids heard us(my wife) talking and they cried for an hour about us getting a divorce..The W could care less what I think or feel. I sometimes wonder if she can see the pain in our son's eyes.

My W says she shakes, gets anxiety if I touch her or she thinks about trying. I sometimes think Retrouville is part of her checklist to say that I tried..didn't work. Well then lets get divorced. It is hard that your wife of 15 years doesn't even want me to touch her arm. I continually get the I can forgive, but not forget..

I do hope it turns around for you at retrouville. I understand it is about putting the past behind you to move forward. I hope for both our sakes our Wives can do that..

Wow. I got this EXACT quote the noght everything hit the fan at my house.

Is this line in some therapy manual?