Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Spellfire #4 - Sparks, but no Flames

Yes, sexy lingerie is effort. You sitch sounds so much like mine. I've worked on me to the point where I'm just to the point, "I can do better or what am I trying so hard for." Count your blessings. My LD wife has increased frequency but decreased intimacy. She has reverted to "ewwww, gross" over everything sexual. (She wasn't always like that.) Lingerie is a positive sign.

SF, done so many 180s that I'm a little dizzy

I'm glad she's trying, Mike. That is so great!

Maybe she'll feel so good in lingerie, that she'll start wearing it for herself instead of for you. Which, I think, is when she will start honing her desire. Maybe...

Lucky

Wearing it for her? Pigs might fly!

But yeah, she is actually trying to make me happy for the first time in ages, so it is a step forward.

I am just going through my own stuff now I guess.

Yeah, if she's wearing lingerie, that's gotta be good, right? I wish my wife would wear lingerie.

But I feel like I know where you're at. You get lingerie, which is good, but you really want her to be turned on. You don't want this to just be a duty that she's simply doing for your benefit.

It's good that she's doing it, yes. No argument about that. And you can talk yourself into believing that it's baby steps. She's moving forward a little bit at a time. Eventually, you'll get the whole package. That's the dream anyway.

But it's always something. I try to convince myself that I just need to be patient. That my wife and I are working on improving our marriage (and our sex life). Eventually, she'll be there in all the ways that I want. But the doubts wear away the confidence (and maybe even undermine the progress).

I really need to set aside some time to read all your threads. There are too many similarities.

Yup, you nailed it man. Not long ago, I would have been "grateful" for that, and although I do appreciate the effort, it is not the same as someone showing genuine interest in being with you.

So I'm reading through your first thread ...

I'm going to just start making comments along the way. If I wait until I reach the end, I'll forget what I want to say. I hope this doesn't mean I'm simply rehashing. Maybe. I hope not.

About your daughter in bed with your W ...
Yeah, that was my situation. It was a huge problem. However, that was one of my wife's main concessions when I moved back home. We wrestled with this subject for ... ever since my daughter was born. It absolutely crushed our intimacy. When my W and I sat down and made lists of what we wanted to change in our marriage, this was at the top of my list.

In my wife's defense, though, this was a problem because I wasn't going to bed at the same time as she was. She went to bed at 9pm. I was staying up late (near midnight). I had to totally concede on this issue. I changed my bed time so I went to bed with my wife. I started going into work much earlier. This has made a huge difference. My W and I spoon. We fall asleep together. This seems to set the stage for greater intimacy.

You've already found this out, right? I'm going to get to your more recent threads and found you've already done everything I've suggested.

Sorry.

It's cool, post your thoughts anyway, lets see if they align with mine, and maybe you will hit on something I overlooked.

Like you, I was not closely involved in my daughter's life. This was a big problem. We now spend much more time together as a family (as well as father/daughter time). I'm ashamed to say it, but BEFORE the separation, I felt like I was wasting my time when I spent time with my family. Owch! It hurts to say that now. But now I go to kids' movies. I go to church. I go to kids' birthday parties. I can't say I love doing these things, but I recognize the importance of having fun with my wife and daughter. The recognize that the time we spend together helps make us a functioning family. This is huge.

I'm glad when I read your first thread that you're making a bigger effort to spend time with your daughter. Kids are like sponges. They're waiting to suck up information. Your daughter's likes and dislikes will be formed to a great extent by your own likes and dislikes. This is your time to share your life with your daughter and help forge her interests. No, she won't like everything that you like. But I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how open she is to your interests.

My daughter watches old movies with me. She is now even quite fond of Harold Lloyd silent comedies. And she likes going hiking in the wilderness (she says she wants to be a scientist). No, she refuses to watch Frankenstein movies, and thus far she won't go caving with me. But that's okay. (And I suspect she'll come around eventually!)

And I'm impressed with all the changes you're making.
You're changing your appearance.
Working to be more social.
Being more romantic.
Spending less time on the computer.
Etc.
Excellent.

Thanks Gary. I admit I have backslid a little, but I am refocusing now. Sleep is THE factor for me. One late night and I'm all messed up. It's hard to believe I was getting so few hours of sleep each night for almost 4 years.