Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Infidelity

He told me last night he is going to California to do some work for his buddy for FREE--that is where the OW lives. I am planning a weekend with my kids and he said, well don't plan on me being here because I may have work to do in CA. Well, I saw the plane reservation he made on Sunday night. This is killing me but I am not letting it show. I am acting oblivious. I am sure he will ask me or my son to take him to the airport. Do I just ignore this knowing he is going to see her? Things have been pretty pleasant this week. Yesterday and today he sat in the morning and had coffee at the table with our 6 year old. He has told me to have good days. Does this mean anything? This weekend is just a hard thing to take. What is the right approach?

If I said don't text or call her in front of me he would say too bad. How do I set a boundary with that response. He has already moved to an upstairs bedroom and has not had sex with me since the end of July. I guess he doesn't want to cheat on the OW with his wife. Anyways, I guess that is good, since I don't want to have sex with him now anyways. I know nothing about this OW and really I don't know what good it would do in the long run for ME if I called her. I do have her number from phone records. He refuses to wear his wedding ring so she may not even now he is married I have no idea.

He has no interest in joining us this weekend, well because he is going to CA to see the OW, but before he told me he was going to be gone he said don't count on me being around--although he made his reservations Sunday night because I was standing behind him watching so he already knew he would be gone before I started to make plans. That is why I am making plans and he asked me what my rush was to do it this weekend and I told him I figured he would be gone so I thought I would spend family time with the kids.

I know I need to keep my end goal in mind, however sometimes I think he is just not worth it, but then I look at my little 6 year old who loves her Daddy and think maybe it is all worth it. Please have Puppy Dog Tails explain good boundary setting and any other advice. I am open to anything. thanks a lot for your support.

Please tell me how to handle this weekend knowing he is going of the see the OW. I am letting my emotions run away with themselves and I am getting that deep pit in my stomach and burning in my chest. What do I do?

One of the worst things we all do is mind reading, its a killer to us, but if you can find ways to distract yourself, make a list of all the chores you want to get done, mine is huge but each one probably takes about an hour and thats another hour with H (husband) off my mind. I was a SAHM too and I know realise how much we lived in each others pockets and how much he resents that too, he left seven weeks ago, but he still acts probably the same as your six year old if I ask anything of him. We all know how hard it is on here, go and read lots of our posts and see how we just get through each day a bit at a time. It does get better, you get better and deal with it all better but it does take time!

K,

I think you should look him square in the eye and say "I certainly hope you're not going to visit your girlfriend, and lying to me about it. Because I would find out easily enough, and that would be incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and to our family. I think I deserve the truth, don't you?"

And then see what he says.

If he lies to your face, and you KNOW FOR A FACT he's lying, just shake your head and walk away, or say "Stop it. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful. If you want to have an affair, I can't stop you, but I do insist that you be honest with me, as we've always taught (S6) that families shouldn't lie to one another."

Don't raise your voice, don't make a scene -- just state it very matter-of-factly and while making eye contact with him.

You don't need to beat him over the head with his affair daily, but you don't have to pretend like you're oblivious, either. In fact, you shouldn't.

Puppy

Puppy,
thank you for responding. One question is I thought I was not supposed to talk about the relationship. He shuts me down pretty hard if I do bring anything up and I think it may be helping to not be involved at all. He has had coffee with me and our 6 year old the last two mornings and last night he totally helped me with some computer stuff and my Iphone. He pours us wine at night and we sit and watch tv together. There is just little talking.

You know my dilema about this weekend and now he is going back to CA next weekend for a nephews wedding that I was supposed to go and he told me it was too expensive to get me a ticket. That was a lie, but anyways, I booked a the weekend with my 3 kids to go to the beach next weekend while he is with the family. I am getting a life. this will be the first time I have ever ventured off on a vacation with the kids. It will cost a lot more than a plane ticket to the wedding, but too bad. I am spending quality time with the kids.

So that being said, should I just let it rest this weekend and deal with it later if he comes around? At what point is it ok to tell the kids if ever? It may not be beneficial to tell the kids, but my son is 18 and not stupid. My H has been telling the kids that this will be hard but they will get through. This kinda makes me angry and scared a bit because he is making it a reality to them, or maybe he is just blowing smoke because he himself is so very confused from losing a high powered job and not being able to find work and now he is doing this thing with this OW saying he is communicating with her. I guess my fear is this weekend he may do more than communicate, if he hasn't already. anyways, I have been really upbeat and making coffee in the morning and making great dinners and now this beach trip next weekend. I am feeling better about myself thinking I could do it on my own if I had to. I just need to get the job I applied for to support myself and kids. Any other advice is always greatly welcomed. thank you all for your continued support.

My DB coach said yesterday, this is a classic DB case that can so easily be turned around. I thought to myself, she has not met my H. their whole family of 9 kids have all been divorced and they can shut their feelings and emotions off like a switch and move on. I always thought my husband is different, but I am not sure. I really want to turn this around. Anyways I am babbling. Keep the support coming. It is very helpful and let me know if I am messing up. Thanks. K

If it were me, I would have to tell him that I refuse to do anything that enables his A with the OW. That includes driving him to the airport so he can go be with her. Now, I could get down with the best of them and even refuse to do his laundry to enable him to have clean shorts for his "weekend" with OW.......see what I'm trying to say? Anything........ANYTHING at all that is helping him, or to make it nicer to have an A with OW, I would refuse to aid the situation.

I don't think you should "help him" by covering up his adulterous affair. I wouldn't say anything in front of the children, but I don't think you should feel as if you could not call it what it is.....and let him deal with the effects. If he doesn't like it.....then too bad!

He told you not to count on him being around, so that is exactly how I would live. Go about your business and living life as if he wasn't going to be around. How would you live your life if that were true? Think about it and then drop the emotional rope that you have tied to him and set him free. Treat him as if he is no more special (or worse) to you than anyone else. I think he is making a very obvious statement to you and he has already gone over any marital "lines", but as Puppy said, call his hand on things when he openly disrespects you. Don't get into an argument or a R talk.....simply leave the room or walk away. That makes a statement to him!

You should not feel that you have to explain your "plans" when he has clearly let it be known that he has no interest in joining his family. Be vague and say as few words as possible. Get out of that habit of giving a play by play of everything you do or plan to do.

Different people have different points of view about contacting the OW and busting the affair. If you do decide to do this, don't expect your H to quietly accept you contacting "his" OW. I can't tell you what the outcome would be about the A, but I can tell you that he will not be ready to fall into your arms. Think long and hard before you do any action about contacting OW.

K,

Where in the above did I advocate talking about the relationship? Drawing and enforcing your own boundaries of personal integrity is NOT relationship talk.

There are obviously different views on how to best to go about this. You asked me how to draw a boundary, so that's what I laid out for you. If you want to go the "be his best friend" route, you can do that, but I've personally never seen it work.

Puppy

Hi everyone, I have been doing pretty good for the past couple of days with being strong and getting advice on how to GAL and how to unavailable. today however, I feel week. The pain is back in my chest and I just want to hug my H and tell him I love him. I am sure this is because the weekend is getting closer and he is going to CA to "work" and I know see the OW. It is killing me. I just want my marriage back. This is where I get totally stuck with grief and pain and don't know how to get out of this. I am not letting him see me like this, but I wish I could turn this off for myself, but I still want him and love him. I just want his DB system to work for me in the worst way. Maybe I want it too much. Today is just a bad day and I feel very week.

If you want the DB system to work for you, then you have GOT to fight the urge to pursue him, and go all "needy/grabby" on him, because that will categorically NOT work!!!

Try to stir up some righteous indignation within you, if you can. He's going to see his girlfriend and CHEAT on you, for goshsakes!

You deserve better than that, K. You are God's creation, and worthy of love and fidelity.

Puppy