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Sandi,

I agree. I haven't had luck finding one. :-( The kids' counselor is disappointing me and this is the C my H will see next week.

I've decided after lots of consideration, I'm stopping with the NC. It doesn't work in my situation. I've seen H responds immediately to any message I send. And it's a 180 from how I deal with conflict in my life. I remember him telling me he doesn't like that about me and how I dealt with a problem with my sister. I just shut down and quit talking and don't initiate any contact. But I won't initiate any R talk. It could also be that I was too angry and hurt to talk with him before and now I can, so he's dropping his wall a little.

I'm dealing pretty well with detaching. Sure takes a lot of practice. This GAL I know is dealing with a lot of the complaints my H had about me. I really didn't have many friends and socializing was always with his friends. I had pretty much given up control of my life and didn't have much direction. I realized that in the couple months before he left though. I was also going through depression and very unhappy with turning 40.

Positive things now, I've made more friends, gotten better at socializing and being happy with myself, keeping myself busy and hearing my own voice... my likes and dislikes. I felt like I had lost my "voice". I know I must be exuding more confidence and happiness. I feel it! I know I want these changes to become permanent. He may not notice it, but the reward is to myself.

I initiated contact with a simple question. First I greeted him telling him I hoped he had a safe trip back, that I wish him luck today as I imagine he has a long day today. Then I simply asked, if he wanted to continue with the joint sessions. His response:

"Hello W. Yes, I am ok with joint sessions.

I will stop by the house today at 6 pm to see the kids.

Regards, H"

That was it. Now I don't want to return to the same counselor we have for the kids. I would like to try Retrouvaille and it starts this weekend. I want to ask carefully but don't feel I have the right approach. Anyone?? Or should I drop it. This feels like such a delicate dance.

I think it's a good sign he said he's ok with it. I'm afraid to push it. Now what?

Day by Day

Update... Mondays H comes to visit the kids. He said he was coming at 6 and arrived at 6:30. I don't know if he was avoiding me or just happened to be running late for work. I'll think positive and believe he had lots of work today and couldn't leave earlier. So, I didn't see him before I left the house.

Well, when I got home, he was still in the house. Don't know if that was planned. I really don't know. But I acted like it was normal for him to be there. He stayed a couple minutes after and then packed up his things to go. He tried to make a little small talk and I was friendly and happy--not about him, about my day. Then he quickly made his escape.

I still don't know what to do about MC. And this new progress that he managed to stay in my presence a few minutes has me wondering what my next move should be.

Anybody? Am I seeing positive progress? I don't want to fool myself.

Sure. It's progress. Positive, negative, who knows?
If you don't like your marriage counselor options, yes suggest Retro. He said yes to MC so get it done.

You're doing great.

Stronger, one of the books you recommended arrived today, Getting Through to the Man You Love. I started reading it. Thank you for the recommendation.

Journaling:
I haven't asked H to go to Retro with me yet. I'm writing my email to him and going to send it tomorrow. I don't want to be too pushy and have him run away further. I want to mention more on his visit yesterday.

He told me of how he will be meeting some VIPs at work and will have to go out of town for the meeting. Whenever he tries to make small talk with me, it seems like he's trying to impress me with his work accomplishments. So, today I updated him on S who has flu and told him I wished him a safe trip and good luck and that it was nice to see him yesterday. H repeated what a good opportunity it was for him and bragged a little. It's like he wants praise from me. I gave it to him and he thanked me. Just saying the same I'd tell a friend. But no R talk from me.

I know I acted self-confident, strong and happy when he saw me last night. I just know he was surprised at my cool composure. I was proud of myself! I had just come from my co-dependency class and was feeling lifted up. I'm seeing him as a coward running away from his conflicting feelings. And he looks tired and awful with bags under his eyes. I feel sorry for him. I think I've let go of my anger.

I feel confident about my own life, but not about dealing with him because I can't understand this MLC spirit that's taken over him. I really don't like how our kids can't stand him and don't want to be around him. This is not of my doing and I'm trying to have them be understanding of him. I also don't think it helps that they reject him. In the past he mentioned that he had nothing more to lose if his kids hate him. Makes me so sad to see our family destroyed like this. I'm over the anger, just sad. So hopefully like my IC said, he'll move closer when he sees I am not angry.

Day by Day

Hi I'm newly checking out your thread, but I totally relate to losing your "voice", feeling depressed over turning 40, etc. I too am working on feeling better being with myself, being in touch with myself, and with knowing what I want and don't want.

I think the little contact you have had lately sounds positive. I know with my H, when we were first breaking the silence, any minute he stayed in the room with me in it was a positive sign. Keep at it - check out where you guys are in a month - I'll bet you'll be a lot closer.

We were there too - but now we actually sit and talk, watch tv, hang out with S5 together - it takes a looooong time. Keep it up.

Hope,

Thanks so much for stopping by my thread. I appreciate your support and am part way through reading your thread. I agree that our sitchs are very similar.

Thanks for the confidence boost!

Day by Day

I am very impatient = but one of the best pieces of advice I get from the folks here is that DB is a long term commitment and it requires patience, patience, patience.

Keep doing exactly what you're doing if it works - if the GAL and the texts get a response, then keep doing it. You will probably only see small baby steps (like lingering a few minutes before he leaves) but note them. Write them down. Keep track of them. These are the baby steps that will hopefully increase if you keep up your current actions. It's easy to jump ahead to the big reunion you dream of (well that's what I do anyhow) but remember they only inch their way toward us.

My IC told me to see H as a feral cat. You sit still with a plate of food (your love, your willingness to work on R, whatever that symbolizes to you) and don't approach them too suddenly or they will retreat in fear.

Your H sounds to me like he is more afraid of looking at himself than you - but if you stay detached and calm and upbeat, he cannot blame you for his feelings ( you're in CODA - so you know this). Getting close to you means getting close to his responsibility for his actions and feelings - sounds like he doesn't want to do this. Just remember it's not about you.