Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers wife left, wants divorce, possibly bipolar

He was in a manic phase most likely when he left. He took up with a married woman with kids and got an apt. From what he's said to me, I think reality kind of brought him back. He went to see a lawyer and got the financial details : his wife is a stay-at-home and they'd been married about 20 years by then. With his infidelity and stuff; apparently it wouldn't have been good for him. I think maybe it was reality hitting him. He was in his 40s so maybe MLC a bit too. Sounds unromantic but they've been happily together now for 5-6 years. His bipolar is under control now so that probably helps too.

Hey Ryepatch...

Which books have you been reading? And what have you been doing to start working in yourself? Loving a WAS is exhausting - and can be very distracting - especially in terms of focusing your time and energy on taking care of yourself.

My STBX hasn't been diagnosed with BP - though my T and some doctors I know think that's what she's got - and she's done a lot of what you describe. She makes up stories about our past, tells people that I tried to strangle her when she was pregnant, says that I was an abusive husband - she even managed to convince me that I had an anger issue...though since we separated last Oct I've not felt any anger at all in my life...all of this by way of saying...stop putting so much of your energy into trying to diagnose/figure out what your W is doing..instead start finding out more about how to put that energy into you - and focusing on what you need to do for yourself.

You've got a long journey ahead...start preparing yourself by looking more into what you can do for you now...BTW...if your W is bipolar, I would say that using the DB methods can be very risky...and probably have to be adjusted some - at least in terms of interacting with your W - what the DB stuff does for you, however, remains the same...and that's what I think is most important - finding and rescuing yourself first.

-Carlos.

Hi Ryepatch,

My W has been diagnosed with bi-polar tendencies as well. I have been on here for a couple of months (W can't break EA, don't know how to handle it). We just seperated this week. It's hard; very confusing. I can't tell you much other than if it is bi-polar; she will go through phases. This may be the wrong time to reason with her. You may just need to wait it out till then. I read a book "Loving Bipolar". You may want to pick that up.

Take care.

september 11th, memories

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just wondering if anybody else is thinking about this today. . . a lot of us have been with our partners more than eight years, so i figure we have stories about how we got through that time together. can't help thinking more than usual about my wife today. . .

we were married nine days earlier, a beautiful full moon in a meadow in the woods, tiki torches, potluck, jugs of wine. four mixtapes of "our songs" that we made together playing on a boombox, six hours of music.

we were staying with friends in philadelphia, looking for an apartment. . . our family and friends live in and around new york, and we didn't lose anybody but we knew some people who made it out of the building. all the cell phones were out, and my wife couldn't get in touch with her mother til the next day.

we ended up moving to a small town in new england (long story). my wife and i are pacifists, and really feared for our country and were shocked to witness a war (and all the political changes) unfolding around us. . .

all this as we were adjusting to being "husband" and "wife," and searching for jobs in a small, conservative town where we felt out of place. (we weren't able to afford a place in the liberal college towns on the other side of the mountains).

(i'm not trying to start a political conversation here. . . that time was tough on everybody, no matter their beliefs, but very difficult for those of us on the left.)

we got through that time together, and our marriage was defined by it.
our 8th anniversary was last week, and now is the 8th anniversary of 9/11. . . it'll make me think of her as long as i live.

the world was falling apart and we held on to each other so tightly. . .

sorry if this depresses anyone, or brings up difficult memories. i just needed to share somewhere instead of contacting her. . . i feel overwhelmed with memories, i don't know how to think of my life without thinking of her. i don't know who i am. . . we became who we are together, through so many difficult times for us and the world, i always thought our love would see us through anything. tonight she's off partying, i know, it's her roommate's birthday. she left me for FUN?

that's what it seems like.

Yes Rye, same thing for me. It was my W that called to tell me something was happening. She was watching the news and relaying it to me via phone.

How would they have to be adjusted? I've been having this problem of not knowing whether to tell her i'm standing by her, waiting (of course, we're not in communication) or doing a 180 and acting like i don't care and am not emotionally devastated.

i've been going to bipolar support groups, with both bipolar people and family members. . .

i don't know if she's bipolar, though, that's a theory that our therapist says "fits with all the information."

i can't believe that the depressive episodes she's gone through in the last year can be accounted for by her wanting to leave me. . . i see it as the other way around, that she wanted to leave me because she was depressed. it would just be day and night. . . and most of the time, she's so loving. . . right up until the end.

i read "bipolar disorder" by mondimore, and have read a lot of stuff online. but i can't find advice on how to deal with a bipolar WAW who's not currently talking to you. . . how long do i wait? i can file a petition for conciliation and get her into one court ordered counseling session. . . also, i may want to leave town and i'll have to drop off the cats with her, which she has said she can't deal with them. . . i know this'll set her off, but it seems like the biggest reason she's cut off contact with me (and doesn't want to see the cats and doesn't want anything that reminds her of her life) is she can't deal with that and also move on at the same time. . . it's been three months, and she can't talk to me?

i'm pretty damn sure she's still in love with me.

as for me, i just started antidepressants, i'm looking for work, trying to meet people online and make new friends, going to the same coffeeshop everyday and sitting on the patio under the orange trees and trying to be alone with my thoughts. . . all progress.

but i would need to leave town to fully heal or move on, i think, and give up the cats. i just don't want the responsibility of giving them away, i don't want to make that decision of turning them over to a shelter. the blood should be on her hands.

Tristan, just got this out of your thread. . .

"The psych believes that she was in a long period of normalcy or hypo-mania when we were dating and first married. Everything was great for her. The psych then believes she went through the depressive stage during the times I was acting selfishly. You could see how all this would cause a severe doubting of the marriage. Throw in my behavior and the fact that her subconcious is telling her that men will always let her down. I can understand why she would begin to psychologically detach and protect herself.

She is getting promotions and moving up in the workplace; she enters a new state of hypomania (hypomaniacs make very productive employees).

However, hypomania also brings impulsivity. This was great when W and I were dating. It makes life interesting and fun.

. . .rapid-cycle; this is when their moods swing from one extreme to another in very short periods of time (hours to days; and I swear I somtimes saw it change 3 or 4 times in one conversation). I was ignorant, I had no idea what was going on for 4 months. I think both her and I thought she might be schizophrenic at one time. She was seeing illusions and at times quite paranoid.

During this time, she has quit her job, planned to move (primarilly to get away from other man), got scared, asked for her job back, and decided to stay.

We have not had a really long stable period of time to work on things."

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wow, this is all the same with my wife. she insisted all year she hated her job and didn't want to go back and wanted to leave town, quit her job april 20 effective the end of the school year (she's a teacher at a little hippy charter school), and though i pleaded with her to hang on to it in case we didn't end up leaving town, she refused to even talk about it! then she leaves may 31, they're on the verge of hiring someone else, then suddenly she wants her job back!

i think that all the fun, crazy stuff we did when we first got together coould have been her being hypomanic, too, and our therapist agrees.

and yes, i've seen her mood shift a couple times in an hour, this happens especially when she's tired and we have to make a decision.

as far as i can tell, she's doing ok at her job. . . i don't know what that means, though. she tells everyone she's happy, but i don't believe it.

how much longer should i go with NC? i still have heard nothing from here in the last three weeks, have no idea what's going through her head. there was a knock on the door 6:30 am on saturday, unless i dreamed it, but it was only the screen door and wasn't repeated.

so i don't know if she's trying to serve me or not. it's almost eight weeks now since she filed.

pretty soon i'm gonna break, have to contact her somehow. i just feel like she's slipping away.

one of these days, i'm just going to drop the cats off at her house and maybe leave town. i'm just so pissed she's acting like they're my responsibility.

god, i can't take this. why do i have no survival instinct?
i just don't have a single thread left of my life, everything i've worked on for years has been destroyed.

i don't want to start my life over from scratch.

i'm still married, damnit! i don't want to have to live like i'm single. i have no idea how to do that! i still say "we" to people that i meet, like if someone asks me where i live, i say "we" live in midtown. i just can't make the transition!

who the hell am i?

Ryepatch,

I am sorry you are going through this. It definitely sounds like we may be in the same boat. I too have been left with 3 cats and wonderng what the hell to do with them. All I can say is we need to detach. We can still love them, but we have make it our choice to love them. They will always be bipolar and we need to be able to step back and let things go when it gets crazy; that is the only way to stay sane ourselves.

I wish I had a recomendation on the NC, but I don't. Do you know if she is taking meds? Is she on a mood stabilizer? That did help my W.

Take care,
-t

no,

she won't even see a therapist. all summer acted like she was having the time of her life, nothing was wrong with her.

now (or 3 wks ago, last i heard) she's just full of anger and doesn't know why. i think she might be crashing, but i don't know.

i'm trying to emotionally detach, upped my dose of antidepressants today. but i'm pretty far away from detaching.