Quote: But then she pushed me away and stared to cry - panic attack. She told me how scared she was, how she didn't want me to hurt her. I held her for a long time, told her that I love her and will never hurt her, will never leave her - she is imprinted on me and will be a part of me even after I die. She says that she has never loved someone so much and it's hard dealing with the emotions - it would have been so much easier to just leave. She said she is much more fragile than she appears. I stayed with her for a long time, held her, comforted her until she said it was time for me to go so she could get some sleep.
Bill, your reaction was wonderful. It nearly made me cry. I am sure it helped her and you guys will finally get where you want to get.
Just one very personal thing that occurred to me while reading about her reaction. And you do not have to answer me or even mention it any further. Again it is very personal. Has she ever had any really bad sexual experience (I mean molestation, near-rape or even rape)or a bad experience of other kind that she may associate with sex (abuse from a former partner). It is not uncommon for people to hide that kind of terrible memory for years, even from themselves. And it resurfaces in various ways...
I do not know how or even if you should explore that. H*ll, I do not even know if it is a good idea to post this, but since we are being so personal, I thought I should.
Sorry if I overstepped the boundaries. I appreciate you a lot and pray that you and your W will live happily together to see the twins have grandchildren (having married when they finish college, BTW)!
Another thing, have you thought of Retrouvaille ? My H and I went last summer and it helped us a lot. I had lost all hope of ever being able to patch my M, and he had also. It is not a panacea, and did not solve all our problems but it taught us we can communicate. Just a thought.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Azure, Opt, Shiney - thanks for responding - yeah, I'm feeling a little out-there still. I appreciate you helping me dig - Opt, yeah, that's an issue. Another big one is her father abondoning her when she was 15 or so, she is still dealing with that in a big way and I know it's part of her fear with abandonment and vunerability. The counciling is really helping with a number of issues.
My W's childhood and early adulthood has been filled with pain and hurt of many kinds. There are deep issues there, some of which I am only vaguely aware, some of which I probably couldn't even fully comprehend. She is a brave, strong, intelligent, sensitive, responsible, special woman. I have so much respect and love for her - she has done so much with her life, and herself. I don't know anyone else like her. I know that under the surface there are still raw, broken things that hurt her every day, and maybe it's been easy for me to forget how much care she needs - how tender she is inside.
Of course intimacy is going to be an issue with her - and I don't mean sex, I mean vunerability. These are the hard, hard issues that she's addressing in therapy - and I'm happy for her. She's right - it would be so much easier for her to run away. It is what she's always done in her prior relationships. I am so, so grateful for her.
We have looked into and have interested in Married Encounter - Retrouvaille appears to be be associated with this - I guess aimed at more troubled married couples? This might be a good thing for us to do.
Yea, Marriage Encounters are for regular couples, to keep things going, etc. Retrouvaille is for couples with very serious trouble, like us. People who are separated, divorcing or even divorced. It may help your W know she is not alone... I know she has you, I mean other people have dealt with horrible problems and survived and thrived.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
It's been a good weekend - W and I have done a lot of good stuff together - some fun, some busy. I'm actually proud of us - we both get high-strung, irritable, stressed out when things get busy, when the boys are fussy, when things get complicated (for example, babysitters cancelling at the last minute, getting lost, etc.) - and we both held it together pretty well this weekend. We each knew what was going on with ourselves, and we each dealt with it well. Good stuff!
W is so impressed I'm reading things like 5LL. I believe hers are (1) acts of service, and (2) gifts and quality time. I think mine are (1) physical touch and (2) quality time. She still expresses that she is so thrilled that I've dug in and have worked on this stuff so hard.
She continues saying how happy she is, how much she loves me, etc. - really cementing in my mind that she's not going anywhere. I still, though, still feel like I'm waiting for something to go wrong. How do you get over this?? I'm happy and all, but I don't feel estatic yet because I'm still a little wary. I guess time will do it.
Anyway, she talks about working up to the sex thing, going forward with increasing intimacy. We kiss a lot, and she thinks that's a good thing - good for where we are right now. She's frustrated that we tried to have sex, but is happy that she did stop it and maintain her boundaries. It's good - this is what she needs to work on, and I want to support that... so no sex.
Well, some day we'll sleep in the same bed again.
We looked at ordering cabinets for the garage today; got paint for the house, painted splotches of color on the walls here and there to see what we like and try to "live with it" for a while before we decide on the colors. W is really excited about decorating (we moved in a year ago, newly-built home). We're working on so many things now - she feels like "nesting" she says - which is good - she's really working on making this house her home.
We've spent so much time together, going out now - I think the effects of the "M-trouble crash diet" are reversed now from all the meals out. We've been having a good time - talking about parties and company for the holidays. Seems like we're cutting lose, really - much of the time since July seems like a bad dream, almost. I mentioned today that anyone that's known what's going on, seeing us now, kissing in public and all, would think we're just nuts. She agreed. She actually ran up and jumped on me in the movie theatre today - I caught her and hugged her - he he he. It's like a new lease on life!
I'm really happy y'all - I just recognize that there's still a ways to go.
Talking about my W in the past few posts - this passage made me think of her, I went back and found it. This is from Dr. Phil McGraw's Relationship Rescue
...At our next meeting Bob, typically a man of few words, asked for a few minutes to tell us about his spot in the southern Rocky Mountains. It is a place he visits every year, without fail, although it's a challenging three-hour hike from the nearest navigable road. Twelve thousand feet above sea level, tucked between two jagged ridges, is a forest clearing that nobody knows about but Bob. He described it for us as a "pocket of peace," not more than two hundred feet in diameter, surrounded by white-trunked aspen trees. The handful of boulders that are sprinked about are covered in moss, and the grass, though plentiful, gets such limited sunlight that it grows only a quarter of an inch every year. He told us that the turf is so delicate that he has found his boot prints there years after he made them. In telling us of this idyllic place, Bob spoke with a passion that charmed the entire assembly; it was as if we had each taken a seat on one of those green boulders and were trying not to disrupt the calm. Clearly, Bob's "spot" afforded him a sense of tranquility and utter contentment. All of us understoof how fragile and beautiful a place it must be.
Bob then announced that he recognized there was another such place in his world, one just as fragile and precious. The second, he said, was the intimate and private world of the woman he loved. He said that it had dawned on him, as she disclosed certain details about herself to him, that he needed to treat her private world with the same gentleness and respect with which he entered his private retreat every year. He said he was determined to afford her world as much reverence as he gave his Rocky Mountain paradise. At the time of his participation in the seminar, Bob was married to his fifth wife. I can assure you that this shift in sensitivity forever changed his perspective on that relationship. He has now been married to the same woman for twelve years, and they are happier than they've ever been. I wonder why.
Hey, Bill! Well, it sounds like things are going just the way they are supposed to be going for you and your wife! Right on! You are making such great progress! I've moved to piecing, too! So, now, I'll try to visit your thread a bit more often...keep taking care of yourself and paying attention to your marriage...I just know that you will get your heart's desire!
Hey Bill I can feel you bubbling over w/joy! GREAT
Not that this is my area of expertise but could a joint sleeping arrangement make you and your wife feel a little more comfortable moving forward on things? Just coz you sleep in the same bed doesn't mean anything has to happen, right?
Don't want to push your boundaries here just thought I'd throw it out to you.
Hi Bill, Just catching up and wow! You two are doing so well! And thanks for your openness and honesty in your posts. I really think that intimacy is a huge issue for many of us and to have a forum to share the questions and concerns is great.
Caution - don't proceed is sexually squeamish!
So along that line, I too rarely have an O during sex with my H. [I think that my body's response to three pregnancies has affected that even more - I can't relax and enjoy because my body is too relaxed to enjoy - other women may know what I am talking about and I have talked to my OB about this.] Many times we'll use mechanical assistance to get me there. The difference is that he has bought our "toys" or encouraged me to. And being on top along with assistance makes everything happen all at once - if you get my meaning! But if you've caught up with my thread of late, my H and I have reconnected sexually after several months apart - even though he isn't home yet. But I have great hopes that it will help in bringing him home!
So if you weren't embarassed about being so open before, I probably put you over the top. Sorry. But, your W shouldn't feel guilty about not having an O, I have assured my H that it isn't his fault and I still love having sex with him and am completely satisfied even without an O every time. Besides, I'm with you - the lead up to the act is so enjoyable. Luckily my H is the same way!
Okay - back to normal stuff. Glad to see that your W is getting into the decorating. I have been doing a great deal of it around here while H has kids and it is making a difference in our R too. I even took down a wall and he helped complete the demolition. Now I have to run to Home Depot and return some carpet samples before they close.
Keep up the great work! You make me dream of the day that I will join piecing. You have made such great strides in yourself and in your R. Be proud of yourself!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
We've been having a good time - talking about parties and company for the holidays. Seems like we're cutting lose, really - much of the time since July seems like a bad dream, almost. I mentioned today that anyone that's known what's going on, seeing us now, kissing in public and all, would think we're just nuts. She agreed. She actually ran up and jumped on me in the movie theatre today - I caught her and hugged her - he he he. It's like a new lease on life!
